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Friday, April 15, 2011

Movie Review # 46 Urban Menace (1999)

Release: 1999
Director: Albert Pyun
Hannah Blue
Andrew Markell
 Tim Story
Ice T
Snoop Dogg
Fat Joe

Rotten Tomatoes: 31% Audience
IMDb: 2.1/10
Netflix: 2.2 Stars

I do not know what it is about The Asylum or in this case just the director Albert Pyun that makes me want to drive a rusty drill bit through my skull. But these two some how fucking do. What would make it worse is if these forces of shit movies joined together and made a full length feature film. Thankfully they have not and I sure as hell hope they never do.

Unfortunately both are still making movies and I am stuck watching them. It is as if my own little Hell has come up from Hades and sat itself in my living room. As I torture myself through each of these films. It is sickening it is damning and it is painful beyond anything I have had to endure. By now I am sure you are wondering why I am bitching so much. Well let's just say that my lower bar movie Kung Fu Mummy is no more the lowest movie on my list is, this piece of work by Albert Pyun has taken the cake.

As this movie has no story, has no art direction, sound editing, oh hell it is a failure among failures. No movie in my 25 years of really watching movies have I seen a movie this shitty. Now I know you are wondering why is this movie getting this classifaction and I will explain in detail. But here is a teaser! The movie was shot with the white filter on. So everything was washed out and I mean everything you couldn't see faces you couldn't see detail. It was as if you walked outside from a movie and you have that entire white halo effect on your eyes for 80 minutes.

That is in excusable, blatant and fucking damning to all that is Holy. Which this movie also plays up as Snoop Dogg who plays Caleb is a Angel of Death come back to kill all those that wronged and killed him. Yep theres your story and you do not find that out till the last two minutes. The rest of the movie is spent with people following a ghost who they never name till the end. Again thats Snoop Dogg. Seriously how did Ice T or Snoop Dogg ever make any more films after this piece of shit.

Especially Ice T who has become a household name because of the tv series Law and Order: SVU. I say that because if I was a casting director I would have made him watch this trash. Then explain to me why he did it. I would do the same for all that are here. Hell let's take it a step further and make this movie part of the torture services they do at Guantanamo Bay. Instead of water boarding lets make them watch this.

I think they would get more answers as people will want to scratch their eyes out and shove pencils in their ears. Just after 20 minutes much as I was. Sadly I think my cat was abused in the watching of this film as she might have got pet tad to hard as I grimaced through this. Even though it tested me but my streak of never walking out of a movie I have seen for the first time is still in tact. That is one feat that by years end I have a feeling will be broken.

Just because I do not know how many more bad films I can stand. Hell in this run of movies so far I have seen several. When I think I have seen the bottom of the shit barrel a new one comes along. It is tiresome and it is getting extremely painful. What I thought was a joke has become something more. As I watch movie after movie. This week alone I will have watched I believe 8 films in 4 days.

Which is a lot of hours of movies. Let's say 20 hours of movies 10 hours of writing and thats 30 hours. 10 hours less than a typical job. But I get paid in pennies instead of dollars. I am not out to make money and I wish I could. I am mainly here for entertainment. Sadly though it is becoming obvious that I am not even here for that. Which I do apologize for. I just wish that someone out there would leave a comment.

Saying something so that I have the heart to see out this year. But as it stands right now I think the bad movies will end up killing me. That or I should just movie my reviews to youtube and keep written one's here. Either which way I just wish I had support from you folks. As days and movies like this rip me apart and make me question my humanity as I torture myself for your reading pleasure.

My Rating: NEGATIVE 6 out of 5 Stars

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