Saturday, June 4, 2011
Movie Review # 96 Skeleton Key 2:667 Neighbor of the Beast (2008)
Director: John Johnson
Writer: John Johnson
Cast: John Johnson, Liam Smith, David Simmons
Rotten Tomatoes: 27% Audience
Netflix: 1.5 Stars
I feel abused, molested and assaulted from this movie. Never in my lifetime have I felt this distraught, hurt, sickened or wanting to gouge my brains out more than I have right now. Everyone knows there are bad movies and BAD MOVIES! This one goes so far off this beaten path that it has it's own little island of Hell that it calls home. It is a island that loves to torture the souls of hapless viewers that think this is a sequel to the Kate Hudson film Skeleton key.
When it is a sequel to the horrible B-Film by Jack Johnson called appropriately Skeleton Key. Granted this movie was made to cash in on that craze and boy does it ever. With legions of fans wanting a sequel to a good horror movie flocking to this vile piece of crap. Then turning and running with their tails between their legs and a hand gun to their temple. In hopes of blowing what ever memory they have of this movie out of their heads.
Which is something I honestly wish I could do. At times I prayed for death, I prayed for my eyes and ears to stop working. Which is even more damning to me as I do not pray. I do not believe in the word of prayer yet this movie forced me into it. It is so over the top bad that it actually tells you not to finish it with 45 minutes left. Hell it even tells you the end of the movie so you can get up walk away and hopefully have a happy day. I didn't listen and I finished it.
Which makes me a fucking saint! I say that because no one person can watch this from beginning to end and not be afterwards. As it questions your faith, you life and why you want to live. It was a attrition of fortitude that I passed and I know now that if I can watch this movie. I can watch anything. Especially since this move is over two hours long. It shows that anyone that finishes this has a stomach for pain and a eye on a prize.
For which I give kudos for. Sadly I also have to give out the dumbass award for anyone that does finish it and I get that first reward. As I am the first of my friends and family to see this movie and if they are smart which some might not be. They will read this review and steer as clear of this movie as possible. Hell if any movie is touching this in a video case steer clear of those.
As the suckitude of this film will ruin both those films that its touching. It is just that bad. I know some of you out there say no movie can be that awful. Just trust me please it is for your own good and health that I am saying this. It is not like Troll 2 or Urban Menace or even Zombie Nation. Where they suck so bad they are funny. This one sucks so bad it hurts and you wish for something to stop the pain. But it never stops it is a torture device on film and should be used as such.
As that is the only play value this movie has. Even then it would be deemed cruel and unusual punishment for use on humans. Which to me is even more haunting as I can not think of a reason to even torture someone with this. Sadly some poor souls out there will come along and dive into this movie and get caught in a shit storm so vile that they will bitch and complain and then say no one warned them.
Well folks I am warning you and I am saying stay the Hell away. But do some of you not listen? Yea we know some of you don't and you will cue this with a group of friends and say it can't be that bad. So if you are that person and think that it is fun to hurt your friends. Then you might just be the sadistic type to enjoy this. I am not and I never will be again as this movie taught me one great lesson.
DO NOT JUDGE A MOVIE ON TITLE ALONE!!!!
My Rating Negative Infinite out of 5 [Yes you read that right Negative Infinite out of 5]