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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Movie Review # 61 Good Dick (2008)

Release: 2008
Director: Marianna Palka
Writer: Marianna Palka
Jason Ritter
Marianna Palka
Tom Arnold

Rotten Tomatoes: 53% Critics 49% Audience
IMDb: 6.4/10 Stars
Netflix: 3 Stars

Do not let the title of this movie fool you. It is not a raunchy movie or a disgusting movie. Instead what we have is one of the best films I have seen in recent memory. Which is part comedy, part drama and part therapy. Good Dick has all the makings for a classic movie that people will talk about hours, days if not weeks afterwards. As it rips at your heartstrings and ultimately on your soul.

I say that with the greatest of pleasure as I fell in with love with Jason Ritter's character who just goes by the name man and his woman played by Marianna Palka. Which was so magical and amazing that names would have ruined it. As the story revolves around Marianna Palka's character as she is a recluse who has a porn addiction and hates humanity. That all changes when a hapless clerk at the video store falls in love with her at first sight and must get to know her.

It was this simple premise that made this movie wonderful. As Jason Ritter and Marianna Palka played off each other in what was not only a believe able and eye opening experience but also a touching one. Which honestly was easy for them to do as they are dating in real life. I just won't hold that against them as it was this closeness that made this movie magical. As Man broke down the walls put up by woman and eventually tore then all down and woman became free.

Which you do see coming just not in the way that it happened and that is what makes this brilliant. As the movie leads you one way and then abruptly turns and goes another. As if the carrot you where following was jerked out from in front of you. As it leaves you wanting more as it is presented again. This taking and giving pace is what makes movies like this stand out. As there are no special effects, fights or car chases. It is just the actors and their acting.

Which is all I needed as this movie has left me with a glowing feeling and warm heart. Which does not happen often anymore. Well not since I started this movie madness. So it is nice to have that refreshing feeling. Especially when it is brought on by a magical and love able movie like this one.

My Rating: 4.25/5 Stars

Friday, April 29, 2011

Movie Review # 60 Highball (1997

Release: 1997
Director: Noah Baumbach
 Noah Baumbach
Carlos Jacott
Christopher Reed

Justine Bateman
Peter Bogdanovich

Rotten Tomatoes: 67% Audience
Has a second listing on Rotten Tomatoes: 57% Audience
IMDb: 6.2/10 Stars
Netflix: 2.5 Stars

There are movies that people just hate and it's for no good reason other than they just hate them. Well Highball is a movie I just hate. It is not because of bad acting, cheesy lines or simple plots. It just that I felt like a fly on a wall watching a group of people party. Who had nothing to say and where as boring as a white piece of paper. I know some might find this movie enjoyable, funny and love able. I just am not one of those people. So be warned this review will be short and harsh.

You made it past the warning sentence and you dearly want to know why I have such a disgust for a art film like this? Let me just put it simply. I do not enjoy movies that puts the audience in a fixed position where it is clearly shot with one camera at all times with no dynamic angles or even good editing. It is as if I am a transfixed fly on a wall that can't get away from bad dialogue and even worse bad characters.

At no point in this movie did I feel part of it or did I ever want to. The people are all whiny brats. Especially the two leads who are so self inclusive and in need of social acceptance. That they through parties so that people will like them. Seriously that is all this movie is. Three set pieces one being a birthday party, second a Halloween Party and thirdly a New Years Party.That all play out the same and have the same jokes.

It as if the writers chose to copy and paste their script through out. So I just damn them for that. Even with the damning I know the history of this movie. Which was shot over six days on a tiny budget. Which still does not excuse the bad writing. As many Youtubers out there can produce amazing movies that are engaging and entertaining in that same amount of time. Which somehow this one fails at least in my eyes.

Even then I question the fools that love this movie or even like it. Do you all have that particular gene in your system that makes you want to be a fly on a wall? That you must eavesdrop on a hapless soul and get enjoyment out of how pathetic they are? Is that why you like this movie? Because if that is who you are as a person I fear for you children as they will grow up to be snotty little shits. Sorta like how the people in this movie all seem to be.

Damn! I am just calling it. If you are fan of fly on the wall movie making and have no life. Then feel free to enjoy this movie. If you are someone who wants characters to have more than cookie cutter persona's and blank white sheet of paper lines. Then just skip this movie completely and enjoy a good episode of the Office or Two and Half Men instead.

My Rating: .25/5 Stars

Trailer is available on click the link to see it.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Movie Review # 59 Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Release: 2009
Warren Speed
Steve O'Brien
Warren Speed
Steve O'Brien
Seymour Leon Mace
Warren Speed
Victoria Hopkins
Victoria Broom

Rotten Tomatoes: 24% Audience
IMDb: 3.3/10
Netflix: 2 Stars

Satan oh do I love you! Yes this movie is so delightfully awful that it deserves praise aplenty! Zombie Women of Satan has to be single handily the dumbest, craziest and most outlandish Zombie film ever made. Seriously I am not joking. Yes it sucks but it sucks in that you have to see me and love me kind of way. I am just going to be honest I loved it and hated it all at once.

So what does this delectiable turd offer us for our viewing pleasure? Well its part all zombie movie, part House of 1000 Corpses and part Cult following. All of which have no real reason to be together but work out wonderfully in this campy thriller. Our main cast is Pervo the Clown, Skye Brannigan, Rachel Brannigan and Harmony Starr. As they are the only one's who live in the end. But for every protagonist there is a antagonist. These people are all nuts.

One runs a cult/brothel of women who are drugged and his name is Tycho Zander, then are his sisters Red and Blue. As well as his crazy scientist father and sociopath mother who is bound in chains through out the movie. So what makes these people all special? Father created the Zombie serum which got into the normal girls drugged drink for the day. Red is a first class slut that is all into women.

Tycho is a perv among pervs who has sex with a zombie and films it for his mother. Blue she doesn't say anything at all. So we really don't know her all that well. So that is your basic cast of characters. But how did they all come together? Well Pervo and all his friends show  up for a internet interview with Tycho. When all hell breaks loose at the whore house.

As they all become zombies. Which would have been fine if Red did not bring down Skye sister Rachel. It was that one short scene that split the camps. As they fought each other and the zombies all the while Rachel was being wanted by both sides. So thats the majority premise of the film for the most part. The other is freaky BDSM porn, pain porn and lots of naked and topless women running around.

Who happen to be zombies and for some reason it turns on Pervo and he keeps stepping out to go rub one out. It is sickening and kind fitting to the character as a whole. But nothing beats one 10 minute scene in the movie. Yes I timed it. It involves a side character named Zeus who happens to be a dwarf and him having to take a shit. Granted there where cut scenes intertwined but the scene seriously took 10 minutes.

Once it was done and over they zoom in on a pile of crap the size of a watermelon that is not only steaming it is moist and absolutely disgusting. Right afterwards a zombie chick runs past stops and looks around. Then grants and waves her hand in front of her face then holds her nose. Talk about a pointless and brilliant shit joke. A zombie who hates poop. Hell you could almost expect her fainting from the smell from the build up to it.

But it didn't end there. It ended with Pervo saying that must have been some shit or something to that affect. When Zeus states "Yes relative the size of me it was." cue the drums and moving on. The movie depends on fart and gag jokes through out. With this one being the longest and silliest. But where this one succeeded most fail miserably in execution and ultimately in he laugh department.

Which is fine as this movie has more cheese in it than the state of Wisconsin does and that does say something. So with all this cheese what is the biggest highlight? Oh it is the music which is brilliant, catchy and will stay with you once the credits role. With simple melodies that bring back classic horror soundtracks of the past. These songs fall in line with them. Which says a lot for how they affected me.

So whats the conclusion of this? Music is amazing, the movie as a whole is a cheesy mess and the jokes are simple and stupid. Which makes for a wonderful film to watch with friends and drink beer to. I honestly do not hate this movie and would watch again. So if anything this re-watchable even in that sadistic got to ruin a friends day kind of way.

My Rating: 3/5 Stars

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Movie Review # 58 Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Release: 2008
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Darren Smith
Terrance Zdunich
Paul Sorvino
Anthony Head
Alexa Vega

Rotten Tomatoes: 33% Critics 73% Audience 
IMDb: 6.4/10
Netflix: 3.4 Stars

I just want to say give me a second to wipe the drool from my face. Alright that's better. Wow Repo! The Genetic Opera is an amazing musical. Which deserves a place on the mantle next to movie musicals like Rent, Across the Universe and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which this movie has a lot in common with. With the dark overtones, Goth humor and Neo-Steam-punk feel.

Which gives it a dark, technical feel that just shouts watch me and fear me. Which it does and it is brilliant! Repo! The Genetic Opera is set in a not so distant future where Science Fiction meet's reality when the Medical Company Gene-Co turns the organ donor cards into a business. Where if you can't pay for it then you don't get it. But that is where this get's creepy and follows along with another movie RepoMen which starred Jude Law.

Where the company makes a deal with you in blood. We will give you what you need or what you want. But if you miss a payment we will repossess what ever it is we gave you. You can't hide, you can't run because our Repo Man will find you at your weakest moment and kill you to take what is ours. But make your payments and your life will be fine. Yep sounds like corporate America at it's finest there. Especially during the housing collapse.

So that is the basis of the story and the least interesting bit. The other part is a sick and twisted love story involving the owner of Gene-Co Rotti Largo (Paul Sorvino) and Nathan the Repo Man (Anthony Head). Which in all honesty is so twisted that it is brilliant. Rotti loved Marni who fell in love with Nathan. While Marni was engaged to Rotti. Then she called off the engagement and married Nathan. In order to get back at them Rotti tricked Nathan into thinking he poisoned and killed his wife.

When it was Rotti who did it which set up Nathan. As Rotti blackmailed him to do what ever he wanted or face the police. Talk about a twisted tail all the while there is Marni and Nathan's daughter Shilo played by Alexa Vega who is most notably known for her roles in Spy Kids as Carmen Cortez. She will even be reprising that role in Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World set to Release this Summer. Whom Rotti love's as she looks just like her mother and whom Nathan as been overly protective of.

I say that in the most sinister means as she has been poisoned her entire life by her father. Who had lied to her and told he she had a rare blood diese and she didn't. Which she finds out in the most damning fashion and is told that for the cure she must kill her father and also inherit Gene-Co. Which she scoffs at and yea. I won't ruin anymore of this movie. As it is brilliant and deserves to be seen by anyone who loves musicals, that are into BDSM or just like Steam-Punk in general.

I know you wonder what are the drawbacks? Well some of the singing is spoken verse which at times doesn't fit into the movie. Another detractor is people will see Paris Hilton as a credited character in this movie. I just want to tell you folks she is in it all of 10 minutes at most. Where she plays a drug loving, surgery addicted, spoiled rich twat. So she plays herself and she plays it with enough gusto that you would think that she wasn't acting but being who she is. Which is fine and dandy if you ask me.

Because the last thing we need is another bad film where she stars in. Which this one is not and she should just resort to doing these roles as we don't have to look at her vacant mug for an hour and a half. So outside of Paris and the spoken word verses. There is no downside to this. It is just brilliantly dark and amazing. But I do have one recommendation. If you can find this at a local art house go see it there. As I can see this taking the Rocky Horror route. Where people dress up for the movie and act out the scenes.

It is just one of those musicals where the audience can become part of the greater picture and it is something that I would love to experience. So I hope you give this a shot and enjoy it as much as I do as I sit back and get ready for a second viewing tonight with my best friend.

My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Full Movie!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Movie Review # 57 Adventures of a Teenage Dragonslayer (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Andrew Lauer
Writer: Jamie Nash
Lea Thompson
Amy Pietz
Wendie Malick

Rotten Tomatoes: 8% Audience
IMDb: 3.2/10 Stars
Netflix: 2.9 Stars

Silly, comical, cute and pop culture are all references that suit this film. But so do these ugly, childish, simple and Goosebumps. So what does a movie that has so many adjectives that are polar opposites hold? Well the best way to put it is this. If you have children or you still have a inner child at hand, love trade able card games or Dungeon and Dragons. Then you will love this movie.

If  you are the opposite of those steer clear as this movie most likely will have nothing for you at all. So on to the rest of the review for Adventures of a Teenage Dragonslayer. This movie is loosely based on popular games of  our times those being Dungeon and Dragon's and Magic: The Gathering or maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. As the kids in the opening are living out their card game Elixir Master.

By exploring the sewers in and around the local Middle School. So as the story continues Arthur who is the main protagonist meets up with a troll named Tim who they also call Bart at times. Who happens to be a character from the game Elixirs Master. Which sparks the kids interest slightly at first but more so once he starts making potions and elixirs in Arthur's bedroom.

So they set out to find the creator of Elixir Master who happens to be at a local Comic-con/ Game Expo. Yes I know by know this is a paint by numbers children's film and I am fine with it honestly. So just to wrap this up the evil step mother is the flunky for the school principal who is a evil witch who is working on bringing back the worlds most evil and vile dragon ever. Whose name I will not divulge as it is simply to stupid to and makes for the silly factor that this movie offers.

In short Arthur defeats the evil dragon and the troll is freed and all is happily ever after. All of which could have been done in a 30 minute episode of Goosebumps. Which honestly this movie played out like. As a teenager I read the Goosebump's books and watched the tv series. So this movie held a little of that nostalgia factor just not enough for me to ever watch again. Unless I am sitting down with a group of kids and even then I will more than likely be reading a book or playing a game on my DS.

As this movie really has no appeal after one viewing to most adults. To children I can see this becoming a movie that they would would want to watch again. Especially those children that are into fantasy games, books and movies. As this movie fills that void for a good clean children fantasy film. So in conclusion this a good film to watch with kids or if you enjoy seeing family friend fantasy movies or just a fan of Goosebumps.
If you are not it best to skip over this movie as this is clearly not made for you.

My Rating 2.25/5 Stars

Monday, April 25, 2011

Movie Review # 56 Alien Trespass (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: R.W. Goodwin
Steven P. Fisher
James Swift
Eric McCormack
Jennie Baird
Robert Patrick
Dan Lauria

Rotten Tomatoes: 35% Audience/Critics
IMDb: 5.7/10
Netflix: 2.8 Stars

Nostalgia comes to mind when this movie starts and it is the main reason I loved this Alien Trespass. Growing up I used to watch the Horror and Sci-Fi movies of the 50's and 60's with my grandfather and my parents. As a child they scared me but they never where enough to emotionally scar me. But enough to make me jumpy and this movie brought back those movies. As it pure purpose was to pay homage to a forgotten era of movie magic.

That being the campy silly Alien movies of the 50's. Complete with a opening newsreel which is how most people back in the day got their news. Was going to the movies on Friday's and seeing a news clip a few short cartoons and ultimately the movie. Times where a lot simpler then and honestly I wish they where that way today. Sadly this movie is blasted across many mediums as being this or that as they miss what this movie really is which is just a homage to bygone genre of movie making.

Which just proves that art sometimes is miss understood. I throughly enjoyed this movie. Unfortunately a good populace will not. As it goes back to basics of not using a big budget and the alien can be just foam rubber. Which really made me laugh as I saw the Ed Wood parody here. It was brilliant and if you are ill informed viewer you would just scoff and get mad at the insult.

I was not insulted in the least. So I see where the other side is coming from and I just think back to how I was a few years ago. I would have been the same way. So in time some will change others they will not. As this movie is not the senseless action we have come to expect from Hollywood. Where action and no story carry the movie. Where this one is the opposite the story carries it forward.

With a crashed Alien ship and escaped criminal aliens that absorb all the nutrients from our body turning us into a muddy watery mess. While the Intergalactic Space Marshall possesses a humans body to corral and ultimately stop the Alien invasion. All the while being misunderstood and hunted down as the killer. Yep classic 50's Sci-Fi or just great B-Film movie making here.

So if you want a movie that is not main stream and one that you can watch with your kids. This might be the one do it. As it is a good opening to Sci-Fi and also very entertaining and silly. That is if you are into that sort of thing. Which I am.

My Rating 3.5/5 Stars

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Movie Review # 55 MILF [The Asylum] (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Scott Wheeler
Jonathan Haug
Mark Estenberg
Jack Cullison
Phillip Marlatt
Joseph Booton
Ramon Camacho

Rotten Tomatoes: No rating yet
IMDb: 3.9/10
Netflix: 2.9 Stars

MILF or as I am going to put it Movie I Like to Forget. Is a soft core porn comedy that has no real story and  is strictly insulting to any and all that watch it. Sadly it will find a home in the spank collection of teens and young men across the nation and world. As all this movie has is old women showing off their breasts at an alarming rate.

Seriously I think we have a nipple or full breast every 5 minutes or less. Which as a female is just horrendous. It does nothing for the story other than objectify these pathetic excuses for actresses. Damn it I am sounding like a bitter feminist and I am not. I do not mind nudity in the least when it propels a story forward. In this one it doesn't at all. It just uses it to make up for what is a stupid plot. I know you are asking what is that plot?

Well here it is! Four college freshmen decide to start a challenge on who can bag the most MILF's by the end of term. In the process one of them ends up having sex with his best friends mother and decides he is not part of the bet. While the other three become male gigolos who go out night after night to screw a new MILF. Yep that is all the story and it is as flimsy as a pair of lace thong panties that just got ripped off one of these MILF's.

Pull to hard or look to deep and its either ripped or its so transparent that you swore this was just a porno. Which honestly this movie and one that deserves a Midnight showing on Skinamax I mean Cinemax. I know what movies they stole from and seeing how Revenge of the Nerds and American Pie so bastardized in this movie is revolting and sickening.

Which is unfortunate till you see who the company that made this movie is. That being none other than The Asylum who has made such priceless crap films as Sherlock Holmes and Princess of Mars. As well as a myriad of  mockbusters that have graced our televisions on Sy-Fy and via Netflix. But this one does not fall into that category at all and it is till not worth viewing.

Unless you are desperate for an over abundance of fake breasts and somewhat attractive older woman acting out as if they are sex deprived horny housewives. Well this reviewer isn't the core audience this movie was made for nor do I feel it is for 90% of the populace out there. Despite everything there is some humor involved that will make most laugh. Sadly it is not enough for me admit to people that they should watch this at all. As there are vastly greater films out there than this one.

My Rating 1/ 5 Stars

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Movie Review # 54 Blood Sucking Babes From Burbank (2006)

Release: 2006
Director: Kirk Bowman
Writer: Kirk Bowman
Danilo Mancinelli
Heidi Brucker
Mira Rayson

Rotten Tomatoes: Not Listed!!!!
IMDb: 3.4/10
Netflix: 1.7 Stars

There are bad movies then there are terrible movies. Then you have movies like Blood Sucking Babes From Burbank that deserve their own category of distinction. Movies like these that are so awful you can not finish (Which I did) or you feel as if your brains went from a solid to a hot soupy mess (Which mine did.). Deserve no kindness at all. All they deserve is to be roasted by critics and viewers alike.

But herein lies the problem. 99% of the populace could never finish this movie to give it a proper roast with friends. As it's bad acting and soft core porn story makes you want to shoot yourself to end not only your misery but your friends as well. All the while you wonder why this even made it to dvd let alone onto Netflix. Which where I unfortunate to find it in my year long calamity of 365 B movies in 365 days. So why is it so bad? It is simple and so here I go.

The movie is shot in and around Burbank, California just as the name implies. Which is fine and dandy except for the script is about a fictional magical box that turns women into man hungry cannibal nympho's. Who strip down to their bra and panties and eat the first man that they see. Yep you read that right. This cliche filled, erotic mess is brought to us by the Writer, director and produce of this movie Kirk Bowman. Who is a talentless hack that has nothing to bring to the world of cinema.

I know this is harsh and I do not care. I am a fan of bad film directors. As I have a collection of Ed Wood, John Waters and even a few Uwe Boll Films in my collection. Even the great Peter Jackson was an amazing B-Film director. But what makes these men vastly superior to Kirk Bowman is they knew how to shoot a movie, how to write a movie even if it sucks. They are enjoyable for the most part. This one is not in the least as its visually unpleasing and the actors are not well trained at all.

It is if there was an add in a paper for this movie and who ever showed up first got the parts. I can see the add now. "Want to be in a movie? Then come on down to 1234 Blow Me Drive. We are currently looking for men 19-25 with tattoos and piercings. Women 18-25 who are willing to strip down to bra and panties and are comfortable at points going topless. If you bring fake blood, plastic gems and Halloween prop fangs and severed limbs you will be in this picture."

That is just how I imagine it and I am not even kidding about plastic gems, fake fangs and severed limbs. Hell one scene comes to mind with a rope as an intestine and a squirt of Hershey Chocolate Syrup on a guys stomach. It was so completely awful that it was one of two scenes that made me erupt in laughter. The other is a guy who has two girls eating him. As he never struggles and just lays there and lets them have their way with him.

Hell it was that way for all of the men who where in peril. They all where lifeless ragdoll's as not a single one ever put up a fight. Which who could blame them with a script this awful. Oh hell I might as well spill all the beans on this misery. The premise of the movie surrounds two competing Archaeology student teams that are vying for a trip to Taiwan. One is doing it on ancient sex devices from the Roman Empire. The other is out in search of the long lost artifact named Angela's Box.

Which is just a dig at Pandora's Box. But unlike that box this one is lost in the foothills of Burbank and any woman who comes in contact with the jewels inside becomes a sex craved cannibal. Yep went over that already. So one of the teams finds it a boy friend and girl friend have a fight he takes the box and starts losing jewels all across the city. So woman left and right start stripping and having orgasms as they have contact with any jewel and eventually they eat any man around.

That is the entire movie folks. No need to watch it. But since I am generous and this movie is available on Youtube for free. I am going to provide it to you for your viewing displeasure. Just so that some of you can see what I put myself through. The smart folks will just watch the trailer that I will also provide and leave it at at that. So if you are sadistic feel free to waste 90 minutes of your life if you can,

Either which way I can care less.  I do this for fun and pleasure. But I do have a confession to make. I want to thank you readers. Especially who ever helped me get in contact with the Writer/Director of Ultrachrist! and who ever put up my first review on IMDb. You opened doors that I never knew existed and opened my eyes that maybe that all these reviews I am doing is not a joke. But something I should take pride in and enjoy more than I was recently.

So from now on this web review page is dedicated to all of you my readers out there. So if you want to follow me on twitter here is my info.

@aikira21 I would have done thebflickchick but it was taken along time ago by a person who only does weight loss. Oh well anyways I hope to link a follow me button soon enough.

My Rating: Negative -3/ 5 Stars

Full Movie:

Friday, April 22, 2011

Movie Review # 53 Titanic II (Titanic 2) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Shane Van Dyke
Writer: Shane Van Dyke
Shane Van Dyke
Brooke Burns
Bruce Davison

Rotten Tomatoes: 16% Audience
IMDb: 1.9/10
Netflix: 2.5 Stars

Another day and another Asylum picture. I am starting to wonder if any reviewer out there has seen every one of these travesties? I am just going to say and who knows I might be the first to watch each of these films and put type to page and it will not be something I am proud of. As The Asylum makes films for no one but themselves and helpless sap's who are non-informed people.

Well that and for the Sy-Fy Channel which is where all of their movies show up. This one included and it makes me question more and more the Sy-Fy Channel if they are serious about movies or do they just put these up to fill dead spots in a otherwise strongly weekly line up of programming? I would say it is the later and not the former. Which is sad because there are some great B-Film Sci-Fi movies out there that could go in these places like Hunter Prey or Monsters.

But alas Sy-fy chose this bed to sleep in and we are stuck watching terrible movies that deserve to be on the mantle of shame. None more so than Titanic II which is by far one of the dumbest movies ever written. The unfortunate part of this travesty is the lineage Shane Van Dyke comes from. His grandfather is Dick Van Dyke and his Great Uncle is Jerry Van Dyke. Two of the greatest comedians of the 1950's through the early 1990's. But unlike them he chose the path of his father Barry which is B-Film mediocrity at best.

Mediocrity is a stretch for Shane as he has paired with The Asylum on more than on occasion. Those movies being Paranormal Entity and Transmorphers: Fall of Man just to name a few. Both of which will be reviewed in the near future and both I am dreading as a reviewer. As both are mockbuster's of Transformers and Paranormal Activity respectively. It is as if Shane has decided to be a hack instead of branch out and make a name for himself in a good way.

He chooses to put in the least effort and stamp his name all over it. From acting, writing to even directing he has chosen to be the laughing stock of Hollywood and totally crap on his family name. It is sickening to see such a hallowed name run through the mud. But alas it has and this movie is a prime example of it. From the time it starts to the time it ends it is a joke. Taking cues from the movie Day After Tomorrow where a father comes to the rescue of his kid.

To the fact that they have no real sense of ocean science as the tsunami they put in is 100 ft tall in the middle of the Atlantic ocean it makes you want to throw your remote through your tv. It is insulting, it is degrading and it is just not worth viewing. I know these are made to be made fun of but when the movie is so terrible and has no fun bits to really chew on for bad movie buffs. All it leaves is a bad taste in your mouth and a headache to follow.

I for one love B-films and bad films in general. The Asylum pushes my buttons as they are just knocks on established franchises that need to stop. Which they never will and since I am the glutton for visual punishment I will watch each successive film they release. As I must become the reviewer to have seen all The Asylum productions and ultimately be crowned the historian of the Asylum. If and when that day comes I fear that I will be brain dead. But hopefully you the reader enjoyed it as these movies put me to a early grave.

My Rating: 1.25/5 Stars

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Movie Review # 52 The Comic Book Diaries (2006)

Release: 2006
Director: Clif Campbell
Clif Campbell
Marty Ketola
Clif Campbell
J.J. Baker
William A. Bazell

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% Audience
IMDb: 5.1/10
Netflix: 1.5 Stars

It is hard for me to review movies like this one. I say that because this movie is not really a movie. But more of a group of guys who shot a film for themselves over several weekends and it somehow got out. It is honestly the kind of movie that you have a showing at a local tavern and it is seen once and never again. Where all you friends pat you on the back and say "Hey great job! Hope this takes you somewhere."

Well I can proudly say this movie found a place on Netflix Streaming and I can honestly say I wish it hadn't. I am not wanting to be overly harsh. It is just that this movie is terrible. The entire plot or lack there of is about a pair of comic book shop owners who have a struggling business. That hate's Magic the Gathering and a dysfunctional ex-employee who likes to moon and piss on the front of the store. That is not story even at the end when the failed comic book artist comes in and ultimately dies in the store.

Brings nothing to the table. I know that Marty Ketola and Clif Campbell tried their best. But is strongly apparent that neither of them know what good set up or lines are. With 90% of the humor being the lowest bit of humor out there. With lines "Do you need to change you diaper?" or even over stated fart jokes where they act terribly and say that they can taste it. I know a certain part of the populace will enjoy this. I do on occasion when it deserves it.

Sadly these scenes are so out of place and forced that they lose what little comedic value they have. Yet as a whole this movie is just fair and soul less. Despite that it can find a  home in a certain sect of society and that is  the comic book fan-boys. Who live and breathe comics to the fullest. Even then they might find more discomfort in this movie than any like able aspect.

As it drills home how mundane, boring and hopeless it is to run a comic book store. That and just how bad life is when you have to film what is typical day in the life of losers as most of the world see's them. I just do not I see my people suffering and as such I wish I could just put this movie to rest and not complain about it as the fan-boys failed in their attempt at proper cinema.

My Rating: 1.25/5 Stars

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Movie Review # 51 Ultrachrist! (2003)

Release: 2003
Director: Kerry Douglas Dye
Kerry Douglas Dye
Jordan Hoffman
Jonathan C. Green
Celia A. Montgomery
Samuel Bruce Campbell

Rotten Tomatoes: 39% Audience
IMDb: 4.5/10
Netflix: 2.2 Stars

I want to open with this. If you are of the Christian mindset that Christ can not be made fun of or someone who agrees with the teaching of Westboro Baptist Church or just one who chooses to not have fun at your Lord and Saviors Expense then this movie is not for you and you should stop reading right now.

So you made it past the exclaimer good! I say that because this movie is a freaking treat for people who are Atheist's or just questioning religion and want a good silly fun movie. So what is the story about? Jesus has come back to Earth to start his rule and in the process he is finding that he can no longer associate with society. When he see's that he can no longer communicate he accepts the advice of a Marketing Agent and don's a spandex costume and become Ultrachrist!

Yes you read that right. Jesus is now a superhero and a freaking hilarious one at that. Through out the movie he scares people into believing in him. Kind like church does to its patrons. You repent or your going to HELL!! Which I never agreed with and this movie does touch on that with a steel hammer. It is not the only thing they touch on either. The biggest is acceptance of love no matter what it is. Be it a man and a woman, man and man, woman and woman or anything in between.

Christ in this movie even says "All Love is Holy in they eyes of God." you know I agree with that completely. It was what made me really enjoy this movie as its message is more about understanding and accepting of everyone. Not just shoving your religion down someones throat. But the best part of this movie is it's message at the end. That being that sex is not bad and that we should enjoy our bodies and enjoy it with others.

Talk about a brilliant line. If all sex was Holy then more people would be inclined to join up in Christianity. So you love men and you a man. Come on down we accept your lifestyle! Do you want it circumcised or non? We have all shapes and sizes! So your are into vagina's and your a lady! Come on down we have virgins and if your not into that we have some well used models as well. Drooping is not extra as it add's class and vintage to the model.

I just wish that was the message that Christianity put forth. Instead we have ultra strict groups that say. Sex can only be done if you are to bring a child into the world. You must be a man and a woman and everything else is evil. Yeah fuck that. I am not into those strict norms and neither is this movie. So if you can handle Christ being portrayed as a goofy superhero and the acceptance of sex as the savior of humanity then this is your movie. If not go fucking back to church you hypocrite and pray that this never comes to happen.

My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Movie Review # 50 Raptor Island (2004)

Release: 2004
Director: Stanley Isaacs
Writer: Dean Widenmann
Lorenzo Lamas
Steven Bauer
Haley DuMond

Rotten Tomatoes: 13% Audience
IMDb: 2.4/10
Netflix: 2.5 Stars 

If there is one gleaming light about this movie blog. It is that Sy-Fy formally Sci Fi Movies. Will always give me at least two to three new films a month for me to review. Not that a single one of them will be enjoyable beyond the fact that they themselves are torture devices or prime pickings for your own Mystery Science Theater 3000 night of enjoyment. Even then if you are that depraved of a life and have to resort to these movies for enjoyment you are missing something in your life.

Hell I am missing something as I am watching these. It is called a brain as I had to shut it off just to make it through. In a cumulative onslaught bad acting, worse writing and special effects that deserve a mantle as some of the worst in history. It is up to the individual on what is the most heinous. I just can not pick just one as they are all equally awful. The story alone is something where you must shut your brain down. A airplane from China goes down with American nuclear waste.

Which causes a chain reaction on the island. As the animals mutate into dinosaurs in less than forty years. Brought on by the incubation of volcano. This sounds more like a video game than a movie doesn't it? Honestly it would have been a better game as the movie plays out like one. Complete with cheesy set pieces of the raptors surrounding the main cast. Only for them to shoot their way out. But never really seem to run out of ammo. Hell they can't even shoot straight as they spray bullets all across the screen and barely hit anything.

None of these moments is more heinous than the end of the film. Where a trained Navy Seal can not shoot a man who is 15 feet away. Seriously? Well it is Lorenzo Lamas I am sure that man shoots blanks in bed as well. If he can even get it up with out the help of Viagra. Even as I say that this movie could have used Viagra from start to finish it is plagued by slowdowns, bad editing and even worse transitioning.

I know it was made for tv. But seriously there is no excuse for hard cuts and having action that leads to nothing. That or even scenes that have no rhythmic reason to follow each other. As if you missed a transitional scene all because you had to make sure it fit into your block time. That 30 seconds of footage would have been more beneficial than what you presented us. Which is a a how to guide bad film making.

I harp and harp on these things. It is just that movies are art and when you see art abused you feel bad for it. Just like video games you see where it could have been and gone. Sadly they just go the opposite and make a awful autricity of a film. Sadly this is Hollywood and this is Sy Fy. Who in all intent and purposes has lost their way. As they push for more reality television and wrestling.

But that is just how life is these days. When you can fill your coffers with cheap entertainment and not have to worry about television shows or making bad films like this. Then you should jump on it. Sadly though they still make these and for every Tin Man or Alice there are a Sherlock Holmes and a Raptor Island. But that is just a stretch I would say its a 10 to 1 bad movies to good movies for Sy Fy.

My Rating: .5/5 Stars

Monday, April 18, 2011

Movie Review # 49 The Gunfighter's Pledge (2008)

Release: 2008
Director: Armand Mastroianni
Writer: Jim Byrnes
Luke Perry
C. Thomas Howell
Kim Coates

Rotten Tomatoes: 17% Audience
IMDb: 5.4/10
Netflix: 3.2 Stars

The Gunfighter's Pledge or as it is found most often The Pledge. Is a made for TV Western for the Hallmark Channel. But unlike most made for TV movies this one surprised me by not being totally worthless and showed that on occasion no matter the cookie cutter movie. That they can have a heart and soul even it is barely registrable which this film is.

For what this movie is worth. The acting wasn't bad and had enough cheese on it make you smile. The writing could have come from a country song. Sheriff loses his family, set's out for revenge. Accidently kills a man looking for help and returns the body to the ranch. Then decides to stay and falls in love. Yep that sounds like a country song or at the very least a daytime serial for a made for TV movie which this. I honestly can not complain about this at all.

It was not entirely entertaining and the end of the movie is a huge let down. But that is just how TV movies go. Well I need say that is how westerns go as they usually either have a giant climatic scene or they choose to wimp out. Then one wimped out and fizzled. Not enough though for fans of westerns to skip. Which I am and with the lack of real westerns coming to the big screen finding even a half way decent one like this is a God send.

Now my only wish is that more westerns where made. I just do not see it happening and as such when I get to whet my appetite on films like these. I should and shall and never hope for the best. At least everything was shot properly and they had a wonderful set. So all in all it is just decent and fun. Long live those cowboys of the wild wild west.

My Rating: 2.5/5 Stars

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Movie Review # 48 The Superhero

Director: Adam Simcox
Writer: Adam Simcox
Damien Hannaway
David Platt
Ana Rose De Eizaguirre Butler

Rotten Tomatoes: 28% Audience
IMDb: 3.0/10
Netflix: 1.6 Stars

Yuck! Fucking yuck! I think that I am in the lowest parts of Hell right now. Day in and day out I watch movies like this one. Films that are so bad that they deserve to not be mentioned in the same line of speech of good movies like Avatar or Lord of the Rings. But alas they are films and part of the greater brotherhood of films. So I am left reviewing and watching shitastic films like this one The Superhero.

I do not loathe this film like I loathed movies like Kung Fu Mummy or even the latest worst of the crop Urban Menace. Because as bad as this movie is and it is fucking terrible. It has some great comic stills in it. Which is where most of the action takes place. So consider it a R rated Reading Rainbow skit with cussing and animated blood tossed in and you get the picture of what this is like.

But outside of this one bright spot this movie is just unwatchable. The acting is stiff and the story is ripped straight from two movies one being John Travolta's Phenomenon but instead of cancer giving him super powers. It is a brain hemorage and the movie Unbreakable with Bruce Willis where he can not feel pain. Yep two completely different movies joined together. As for the villain he is just the Needler a man who goes out and injects people with dirty heroin needles.

In hopes of giving them HIV all because he contracted it somehow. Which they never explain. So now you have the villains terrible name and are you guys ready for the heroes name? The Boxer! Yep the fucking Boxer couldn't the writer come up with better villain and hero names? Seriously how do you go in to a studio executive's office and sell this fucking crap?

You don't so you find a low budget company willing to front you money to make a travesty of a film. One that no human should have to be tortured with. But to them it is probably the greatest thing on Earth. Hell I knew a  guy who wanted to make it into Hollywood. He wrote a script about Vampires and Zombies who fought a epic battle for control over the human race.

That is just as stupid as this fucking film. Seriously folks if you want to do a God damn movie. Do it right if you do not have a budget for a fighting scene do not write one in. If you do not have a budget for special effects do not write one in. I say this because this fucking film used comic book stills in both of these places. Which is in excusable and sadly was done in a A-List movie that being Tank Girl with Lori Petty.

But even then that movie had heart and soul and was enjoyable. This just isn't. I know I am ripping on it I just can not help it. It might be bad movie overload or maybe I am just growing tired of watching movies. Either which way. I am glad that I got a break this weekend from watching these shit storm films. So stay tuned for a update on what I did this weekend on Monday or Sunday. But for now I am outta here and I am in need of a drink.

My Rating: .25/5 Stars

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Movie Review # 47 Silent Trigger (1996)

Release: 1996
Director: Russell Mulcahy
Writer: Sergio Altieri
Dolph Lundgren
Gina Bellman
Conrad Dunn

Rotten Tomatoes: 35% Audience
IMDb: 5.3/10
Netflix: 3.1 Stars

Dolph Lundgren oh have I avoided your ilk till today. Sadly though this challenge I have put forth on my self of 365 reviews in 365 days has brought me into one of your B-Film action movies. Which was just I thought it would be slow, boring and just enough action to keep a simpleton interested. It as if this movie was a paint by number action film. No names for anyone except Eagle 1 and Eagle 2 or as they known in the credits as Shooter and Spotter.

Really? Come on now these are your main characters give them names for goodness sake. But no instead we are stuck with Eagle 1 and Eagle 2 and you know this tedium of monotony and lack of story telling. Brought this movie down to the point of wanting to shoot yourself. Well at least it did for me. I am not saying that it is unbearable it just was that boring and slow. The entire movie is paced like a old fart race. The quickest to a heart attack wins as that is your lone level of excitement.

As each old fart falls it is time for an action scene to bring back a sense of the movie having life. Which are about every 5 to 10 minutes. Where they last 2-3 minutes or at tops 5 minutes for the ending. Which is so stupid that I swore it was written on a piece of used toilet paper. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and suck on my thumb. I am seriously wondering why I am torture myself daily with these movies?

This one its entire story is this. An assassin fails to do his job and his partner is supposed to kill him. Which she doesn't so they have flashbacks on why she didn't as they are grouped together again in another assassination which he fails to complete. But she falls in love with him and thats your story. It is simple pathetic and not worth watching. Seriously when I said this is paint by numbers I really meant it.

You can give a camera to a teen and tell him or her to go film a movie and they could come up with this movie. Complete with the crappy names. But this is a $10 million dollar film that looks like it cost less than that to shoot. Gah! Damn it!! Why am I still talking about this crap. Oh I know why it is because I chose to do this. Seriously I have to wonder if The Angry Video Game Nerd goes through this with playing all the bad video games?

Does he dread it? Does he wish they would all burn in the pits of Hell? I would say yes because I do as well. With Yesterdays film and then todays. I wonder if there are more no talent hacks out in Hollywood than people with talent. Hell I wonder who I have to fuck or give a hummer to get my movie made. I would call Queen of Shit and Crap. It would be a love story of a turd and a piece of corn.

As their union culminates in the bowels of a humans rectum! That might be a better movie than a majority of these that I have seen. So my goal is get my shit movie made by some shit company. So that I to can be considered a shit writer and director. So that others can make fun of me. On second thought I rather not. I much rather just sit back and know that my idea is safer away from public viewing or just on here. For your reading pleasure.

My Rating: 1.5/5 Stars

Not the trailer just a scene from the movie.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Movie Review # 46 Urban Menace (1999)

Release: 1999
Director: Albert Pyun
Hannah Blue
Andrew Markell
 Tim Story
Ice T
Snoop Dogg
Fat Joe

Rotten Tomatoes: 31% Audience
IMDb: 2.1/10
Netflix: 2.2 Stars

I do not know what it is about The Asylum or in this case just the director Albert Pyun that makes me want to drive a rusty drill bit through my skull. But these two some how fucking do. What would make it worse is if these forces of shit movies joined together and made a full length feature film. Thankfully they have not and I sure as hell hope they never do.

Unfortunately both are still making movies and I am stuck watching them. It is as if my own little Hell has come up from Hades and sat itself in my living room. As I torture myself through each of these films. It is sickening it is damning and it is painful beyond anything I have had to endure. By now I am sure you are wondering why I am bitching so much. Well let's just say that my lower bar movie Kung Fu Mummy is no more the lowest movie on my list is, this piece of work by Albert Pyun has taken the cake.

As this movie has no story, has no art direction, sound editing, oh hell it is a failure among failures. No movie in my 25 years of really watching movies have I seen a movie this shitty. Now I know you are wondering why is this movie getting this classifaction and I will explain in detail. But here is a teaser! The movie was shot with the white filter on. So everything was washed out and I mean everything you couldn't see faces you couldn't see detail. It was as if you walked outside from a movie and you have that entire white halo effect on your eyes for 80 minutes.

That is in excusable, blatant and fucking damning to all that is Holy. Which this movie also plays up as Snoop Dogg who plays Caleb is a Angel of Death come back to kill all those that wronged and killed him. Yep theres your story and you do not find that out till the last two minutes. The rest of the movie is spent with people following a ghost who they never name till the end. Again thats Snoop Dogg. Seriously how did Ice T or Snoop Dogg ever make any more films after this piece of shit.

Especially Ice T who has become a household name because of the tv series Law and Order: SVU. I say that because if I was a casting director I would have made him watch this trash. Then explain to me why he did it. I would do the same for all that are here. Hell let's take it a step further and make this movie part of the torture services they do at Guantanamo Bay. Instead of water boarding lets make them watch this.

I think they would get more answers as people will want to scratch their eyes out and shove pencils in their ears. Just after 20 minutes much as I was. Sadly I think my cat was abused in the watching of this film as she might have got pet tad to hard as I grimaced through this. Even though it tested me but my streak of never walking out of a movie I have seen for the first time is still in tact. That is one feat that by years end I have a feeling will be broken.

Just because I do not know how many more bad films I can stand. Hell in this run of movies so far I have seen several. When I think I have seen the bottom of the shit barrel a new one comes along. It is tiresome and it is getting extremely painful. What I thought was a joke has become something more. As I watch movie after movie. This week alone I will have watched I believe 8 films in 4 days.

Which is a lot of hours of movies. Let's say 20 hours of movies 10 hours of writing and thats 30 hours. 10 hours less than a typical job. But I get paid in pennies instead of dollars. I am not out to make money and I wish I could. I am mainly here for entertainment. Sadly though it is becoming obvious that I am not even here for that. Which I do apologize for. I just wish that someone out there would leave a comment.

Saying something so that I have the heart to see out this year. But as it stands right now I think the bad movies will end up killing me. That or I should just movie my reviews to youtube and keep written one's here. Either which way I just wish I had support from you folks. As days and movies like this rip me apart and make me question my humanity as I torture myself for your reading pleasure.

My Rating: NEGATIVE 6 out of 5 Stars

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Movie Review # 45 Art School Confidential (2006)

Release: 2006
Director: Terry Zwigoff
Writer: Daniel Clowes
Max Minghella
John Malkovich
Jim Broadbent
Sophia Myles
Joel Moore

Rotten Tomaotes: 36% Critics 48% Audience
IMDb: 6.3/10
Netflix: 3 Stars

If there was a movie that every art student should see. It would be this movie. As a art student myself and one much like one of the side characters of the movie has dropped out several times. It makes this movie a little more real and a little more personal. Which to some in the reviewing community will come as a kick in the pants. As this movie squarely puts those who have made it in the cross hairs.

Or in many movie reviewers case they are failed directors, actors and writers. So the only way for them to make a name for themselves is be a bigoted ego driven douche-bag. Well I would say that about a lot of them but not all of them. Now back to the movie it centers around a young starving artist named Jerome. Who has great talent but lacks the it factor for his work to get noticed. Much the same as Picasso, Van Gogh and to some greater extent Daly.

Each of whom became something bigger near or at death. Jerome did not want to be this way and sought out ways to make himself more known. Only to be squashed by a artist whose minimalist paintings screamed inner child. Which drove a wedge not only into the heart of Jerome but between him and woman of his dreams. Who happens to be the only reason he came to Stratford College. This right here is a prime movie magic as the movie Rushmore took this and ran with it.

But this is not Rushmore as this movie has a dark side side if I must say. That being the Stratford Strangler. Who Jerome had never heard of and one of his dorm mates is infatuated with.  This plot twist alone is what made this movie brilliant and altogether extremely sad. I want to say what this twist is but it would ruin the movie. Sadly though if watch it you will see the twist coming as it is not hidden at all and that is fine.

Anyone who watches films will see the plot twist. Which is all fine and dandy as the rest of the movie carries this one little fall. Like the actors who are well known if not by name by voice, face or in some cases just one movie like Bardo who is played by Joel Moore who played Norm Spellman in Avatar to Jim Broadbent who plays Proffesor Horace Slughorn in Harry Potter.

The biggest name would fall to John Malkovich. Whom is one of this generations greatest actors and usually does only good films which this one is. Sadly the reviews on this do not generally agree with my assessment. Which I found odd. Except for the fact that I stated earlier. That this movie puts critics, hacks and failures squarely in the cross-hairs. Then never let's go and that might be one reason this movie gets the wrath of the critics and the love of the art community.

Either which way I am neither a critic or a art student anymore. I am just a purveyor of good music, movies and art. I hold no bounds on what makes art, music or movies. I enjoy it all as it is all art and if you have that kind of passion. Then you might find this movie as enjoyable if not more so. If you do not then you might be out of luck as this movie is not one that you will find a grey line with. It is just simply black or white.

My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Movie Review # 44 Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Tom Whitus
Writer: Tom Whitus
Luke Perry
M. Emmet Walsh
Katherine McNamara
Jacob Hayes

Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
IMDb: 5.3/10
Netflix: 2.9 Stars

Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency or as it is on Netflix just Jr. Detective agency. Is a youngster twist on the 40's Noir Detective movies. Complete with a running gag on inner monologues that at first is funny then it just gets annoying. Maybe it was the fact that Sam Steele Jr. played by Jacob Hayes seems almost monotone in his reflection as he speaks during these scenes which is way to often.

So what's the story? A burglar played named "The Cat" played by Luke Perry is going around stealing artifacts, jewelery and expensive jewels in middle of no where Iowa. Oh I mean Des Moines still middle of no where. His M.O. is he never wears gloves, never leaves prints and always knows the weak points of every security system. Yep sounds like the perfect cat burglar does is not? Well he isn't to perfect as on the first case we see he leaves a foot print.

Which like the story has no meaning what so ever. As they never talk about it again. So let's get pasted "The Cat" and focus instead on Sam Steel Junior. Whom the movie is named after he runs a Junior Detective Agency with the help of his trusty dame and secretary Lenore Case played by Holly Reimer. Who is aloof and in love with Sammy (Sam Steele Jr.) up until she moves out of the neighborhood leaving him her clubhouse. Which he can rent all for a kiss. Which is one very awkward moment. Way to awkward honestly.

So after she moves a new girl named Emma Marsh (Katherine McNamara) moves into the neighborhood and Sammy falls head over heels for her. But unlike Lenore she wants to be equals and not just the secretary and puts Sammy in a odd situation. But seeing how he doesn't want to be alone he agrees to it. That is the majority of the story except for Sammy Steele Sr. the head detective for the Des Moines PD. Who is trying to crack the case of "The Cat" and with the help of his stupid and inept partner loses the case.

So that is the cast of characters and brief into's for each. So now the verdicts on everything. The writing is spot on for a child of 12 or younger as they will empathize with Sammy and Emma. As they go on their adventures. Which is a good thing since this movie is not written on any level for anyone over that age bracket. As an adult I found this movie kiddie, silly and often times horrible. Which is understandable as I am not the core audience for this movie what so ever.

So I have to take it for what it is worth. Which is a kid's film and I just wish Hollywood would do a better job of making children's movies. Just like I wish video game makers would do the same for children's video games. They just do not care as if the kids want to see it and it sounds cute enough. The parents will cave in and buy it. Then once the dust of the game of movie settles they go online and in many cases of these children films blast the living crud out of it online.

Which these movie does not deserve. It is something I would show my kids for a good afternoon movie. I would not make my beer drinking friends watch it. But for children this movie is great as it keeps the kids engaged and does not insult them or resort to toilet humor at any point. Which is refreshing as most kids movies now days have one poop or fart joke in them. Thankfully this one does not. But what it does have is a heart and not such a believable story.

Not like kids will care as they watch two kids save the day. Then become heroes and you know what? I can honestly think of far worse things than this movie that kids watch these days. So yea so what if your sour about kids films. This is for them not us as parents or critics.

My Rating 2.75/5 Stars

Trailer only available on Vimeo

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Movie Review # 43 Sherlock Holmes (The Asylum) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Rachel Goldenberg
Writer: Paul Bales
Ben Syder
Gareth David-Lloyd
Dominic Keating

Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience
IMDb: 4.0/10
Netflix: 3.1 Stars

Again with The Asylum productions movies. I swear I am becoming a vast advocate against these Mockbusters. So here I am again loathing another movie and saying just how craptastic it is. So let's just get into in to it. Instead of focusing on me just hating these movies.

This fucked up version of Sherlock Holmes takes place in the 1882. Which is all fine and dandy except for the fact that this movie plays more like a bad episode of Dr. Who than a Sherlock Holmes movie teamed with an excerpt from Pirates of the Caribbean when the Kraken takes down the Black Pearl. This is all just the opening folks and it just gets dumber from here.

Alright so a Kraken type monster takes down a Royal ship carrying gold and jewels. Then no one believes a helmsmen as he talks about it. So cut to a few scenes later and the T-Rex shows up all 6 feet tall of him and he eats a young man for no reason and appears out of thin air. So Holmes goes to investigate and gets chased for a few minutes. Only for Watson and him to be split up and they end up in a watershed that is missing the pump. So Holmes deducts that the dinosaur was used to steal the pump and the kraken was used to steal the gold. So obviously they are connected.

Seriously!? What the fuck! But I am only half done here. Skip ahead a few scenes later and they are at a foundry and guess what shows up again. The T-Rex and this time he kills another person and can shoot fire out of his mouth! Yea! This just hit the shit sandwhiche wall and made a giant splatter across it. So instead of checking the hands of the guy Holmes again deducts from a stone which came from out of thin air. That the only place it could have come from was Hells Mouth so they are off yet again.

Now at Hells Mouth and to the castle Holmes breaks in and right after they do they follow foot steps. So yay! More Tom Foolery that we have to deal with. So they get caught in a trap Holmes breaks out and then they come upon the T-Rex and Kraken both standing still in a room. Yep they are not real and are animatronic. Who knew they had that kind of technology back then! Only in these writers minds thats who. I am just not done it gets fucking dumber.

As they are looking at the monsters you see a golden man. That looks like a Cyberman from Dr. Who and guess what he is just like one. Was once human and now is more machine than man. But here is the best part he is Sherlock Holmes brother and one who has never existed before! Named Thorpe Holmes. Damn if they wanted to fucking kill what they had they just did with this. Who the Hell is Thorpe Holmes?! So once that is shown Thorpe keeps calling Sherlock Robert.

So now they have gone and written more into Holmes that never existed. Yea Neo-Steam Punk meets Dr. Who as Sherlock Holmes. Once this the pleasantries are done. Holmes runs to stop his brother and is shot dead. Cut away as if it never happened and Dr. Watson is on a table being tortured as Thorpe show cases the woman that Dr. Watson has the hots for. Oh yea I forgot about that part Dr. Watson tries to go on a date with a woman from Hells Mouth who happens to be the mechincal maid of Thorpe Holmes.

Might as well add that in. So Thorpe admits that it is because of Lestrad that he is the way he is and sets up to frame Lestrad. As they the keep talking he shows a small bomb that he then puts in his maid. As they talk he plans out everything and sends her on her way. Then Thorpe jumps into a black Neo-Steam Punk Dragon and flies of with Lestrad in tow.

Cut a few scenes later and Holmes is alive and rescuing Watson and then they are off to stop everyone. Needless say this is how it ends so you do not have to watch it. Holmes shoots his brother, Watson stops the mechanical bitch and Lestrad takes all the credit. There you go a shit movie in a few paragraphs! So what about the actors and every thing else?

I will just start with the actors as the poor sap who took on the role of Sherlock Holmes in this movie committed career suicide. As Dr. Holmes is up there with Dr. Who and the Queen of England you just do not screw with them. Sadly this poor fellow did and as such. I see Ben Syder being blackballed and only given scripts for horrible B-Films for years to come. As he partook in this travesty of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's work.

Top it off he wasn't even a good Holmes. He was whiny, snotty and competely unlikable as the astute Dr. Holmes. Watson faired no better as he was more comic relief than anything. Thankfully Watson has been portrayed like this and this is not career suicide for Gareth David-Lloyd who is best known for his role as Ianto Jones in the hit British TV Series Torchwood. So he is safe for the most part. I do wonder though if he thought he was in a badly acted Dr. Who movie?

Eh who cares if he did or didn't none of the acting was good. Neither was the special effects. Including one that was stolen straight up from another Asylum movie. That being the T-Rex from the movie The Land that Time Forgot. Honestly I wish they had forgot they had this cached as a dinosaur, kraken and Sherlock Holmes does not mix. Then again Holmes having a brother who was never there is also fucking weird as well. Grr this is really giving me a severe migraine.

This movie is just complete crap and one that people will find enjoyment in as they drink. Just not if your a fan of Sherlock Holmes or Dr. Who as this movie will piss you right off. Which did for me. If you can avoid this completely. Both on the Sy-Fy channel, the dvd rack and the Netflix Cue. This movie is not worth your time, my time and especially the mediums it is housed on. It is simply just a pile of T-Rex shit stuffed in a kraken calamari served on a hot plate of bad Sherlock Holmes cum and piss. Fuck this movie I am going to go watch a real Sherlock Holmes now.

Rating: .5/5 Stars