Friday, August 26, 2011
Director(s): D.A. Jackson, Jean-Luc Syndikas
Writer(s): D.A. Jackson, Jean-Luc Syndikas
Cast: Donkey Punch Disco, Secret Mango, Amos Phillips
Rotten Tomatoes: No ratings just 0% want to see it.
Netflix: 1.6 Stars
I can think of tons of adjectives to describe this movie. But I will stick to just one word and it is just "Shit". Yes folks this movie is SHIT! There is just way around it and seeing that is a relative unknown in the world of movies I can see where this movie is heading. if you have not guessed where that direction is. It is down into the bowls of the worst films in movie history.
I say that with no grain of salt or remorse. This is simply a painful movie to watch and not in the "Human Centipede" way. But in the "Oh my god this is terrible!" way nor is it in the I am so terrible I am awesome way. As the movie goes on juvenile extremes from poop, vomit and piss jokes to just being overly the top insulting. All the while never entertaining. As the movie and its three stories have no real plots.
The first one is a mash up of drugs, a girl getting stuck in a fridge, suicide and a old woman dying after being run over by a car. None of the stories make any sense or even work together. But for some reason they are the first tale. The second one is about doppelgangers and guy who torments his doppelganger, only to find out he is one of three. With one being a mass murderer, another being a deformed version of himself.
In this one he ends up saving his deformed self and killing the mass murderer. The third one is a vignette to snuff films as a guy is knocked out, then tortured by a sadistic girl.and it is the only one that actually reminds me of a real film. As it is gritty, obnoxious and down right chilling as it is all to real. Especially the further into the torture you get as it leans towards to most sadistic sides of humanity.
The sad part as good as these scenes are. The acting is down right horrible and this entire segment is just there to gross you out. As you have fingers, and his penis being cut off. Hot water being used to burn him and power drills to kill him. It is as if they wanted to be "Hostel" or "Saw" and completely failed. Now there is a forth set and it deals witht he narrator of the movie.
As he takes care of his dog human friend and tells him stories. All the while he has hostage in his backyard that he pisses on, beats and ultimately kills. But no scene is more disgusting that watching the man dog shit on the corpses face at the end. It is down right vile and so unneeded and was totally put in for pure gross out measures as where so many other scenes in the movie.
Now as a while picture this movie is a disjointed mess with no purpose or plot. Unlike other movies in this genre like "Trick 'R' Treat" and 'Creepshow" which have a moral behind the stories. This does not and it is because of this vacant plot points of each story. You are left with a feeling of longing as there is no closer to anything in this movie. With the lone exception maybe being story number two.
But even then that one left you with questions and was far from perfect. Which is a good summation of this total movie far from perfect. But and there always his this movie might find a home on many horror shelves and ques because it is easily digestible and easily toss able if nothing else. It also is a great popcorn and beer movie to make fun of with your friends. So in the end might be its lonely redeeming quality it is so bad you bring friends along to make fun of it.
My Rating: 0 out of 5 Stars
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six
Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Critics Fresh 28% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
I seriously can not understand how anyone can watch this movie. I have watched "Hostel" and "Saw". Believe me when I say this. They have nothing on this movie what so ever. It is simply the most perverse, disgusting and vile film ever made. Till well "Human Centipede 2" which has been banned in Great Britain. But I am getting ahead of myself. I just watched the first one and I wish I had not.
As this movie not only made me puke in my mouth eight times and dry heave countless others. It will sit with me ever and cause to have nightmares. Why any one person would ever want to see this is beyond me. But if I was given a choice this or say one of my most hated films. "Skeleton Key 2: Mark of the Beast 666" I would chose 'Skeleton Key 2" any day of the week as bad as it is. I can hold my lunch down.
Now if I want to look at a brighter side of this sick film. It can single handily help me lose weight as I will surely vomit up what ever I had prior to watching. Which I did I just held back and swallowed it down. I do not why maybe stupidity? Maybe because no movie has ever made me run to a trash can or a toilet. Either which way I am scarred for life because this was the number one film people wanted me to review.
So for all of you sick little fucks that thought that this movie should be seen. I hate you and I really really mean HATE! You are not friends you are sadistic little shits that want to torture those who you like. You have a mean streak and want me as the middle piece in your "Human Centipede" you want me eating your shit and then shitting it out for the back end. I so do not like being in the middle and as a reviewer I am. I am the middle fucking piece between sanity and all of those who might want to watch this horrible movie.
Which none of you do believe me. This is reserved for the sickest of sickest minds and even then I would doubt many would love it. But some how and some way this movie carries nearly a 50% rating on IMDb. Which I honestly believe is a lot of 1's and 10's being posted by people so it figures out as a 5 roughly. Now for all of you that liked this movie. Shame on you!
But before I go any farther I will give this movie a 3 out of 5. But I did not like it. I give it completely on story, acting and its art direction. I in no way condone this film. I can not say that enough. JUST NO! Now that my bitchfest is over. Lets get to the real review. "Human Centipede" is a psychological thriller about a mad doctor. Who hates humanity and wants to create instead of destroy as he has done over his career.
His career was the forth most leading doctor of Siamese Twins separation. Which you can tell he once loved but when he retired he wanted to be different. So he created a Siamese dog which was three rottweilers linked ass to mouth. Now the good old doc was not impressed enough with this invention. So he went out and decided lets do this with humans. So he first got himself a Dutch trucker. Then two hapless American tourists showed up on his doorstep.
Because they had blown a tire going to a club. But in the process got lost and ended up at the good old docs house. Now that they had arrived the poor old Dutch man did not fit into the equation and was killed. Because his fat ass did not match the two skinny pretty girls. So the doc offed the poor guy and said he was sorry. Only to go out and find another tourist this time a Japanese man who he thought was a better fit. From there we get the human centipede. Where ass meets mouth and shit enters throats!
As the lead part eats normal food. The middle gets the first passed shit and on down. It is totally disgusting and fucking hideous. But some reason the writer/director Tom Six had to show us this scene. He had to show us it in a long drawn out scene. Now I should be thankful it was only one scene and no more of them happened like this. But then he came later in the film about feeding him a laxative. So that next time he can not hold back.
Again it is just not right. Which is all this movie is. Is scene after scene of torture, pain and agony. There is nothing pleasurable about this film. Even the 'Saw" and "Hostel" movies as disgusting as they are have moments where they lighten the mood. This movie just pushes down the throttle of gross out horror and never lets up. Which is not only draining it is vomit inducing. Which you have read I had my issues with. If through all of this and you are still interested in seeing this movie.
All I can say is have at it. I will never ask someone to watch this. Nor will I ever sit through this again. I know that in some future review. I will end up watching the sequel to this and from what I hear. It cranked up the fucked up meter. Which not only scares me it makes think that it alone. Will be the first movie I stop watching and turn off. As well making me vomit. Now that might be something for me to look forward to. So "Human Centipede 2" I hope you bring your 'A Game" because your big brother didn't make me quit.
My Rating: 3 out 5 Stars
Director: Sol Tryon
Writer(s): Peter Kline, Mike O'Connell
Cast: Mike O'Connell, Jesse Eisenberg, Jim Gaffigan
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Critics Fresh, 71% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 3.1 Stars
I honestly do not know where to start on this review. As this is the strangest movie I have seen in a long time. As it is about a man celebrating his last day of life. All the while being the most obnoxious person he can be but it is just who he is. He is egotistical, self serving and cocky man. Who believes that he is the best and most important thing in his town and in the world.
It is this attitude that makes H. Roth Binew (Mike O'Connell) possibly the most repulsive man in film making history. As bad as all this sounds he is so very entertaining as not a loser but a man who must lose everything. In order to find out who he is. Just getting to that point is filled with calamity, despair and oh yes comedy. Now the comedy is dark, insulting, and disturbing. As H. Roth Binew stresses on completing his list of things do on his last day of life.
It is also this list that makes you either fall in love with him or completely hate him. I fall somewhere in the middle of this. I loved parts of this movie and completely hated other parts. All the while I despised H. Roth Binew as I found him to much of a ego driven asshole. That needed a slap down and believe me he gets it. Unfortunately his friend, biographer and confidant Mills (Jesse Eisenberg) is absolutely lovable and cute. In his role as the village idiots best friend.
The tandem of K. Roth Binew and Mills is very polarizing as they are complete opposites. Which makes this movie more engaging. As each scene of K. Roth acts more like and Ass and Mills keeps trying to convince him that life is not all bad. Sadly though for all he does K. Roth is far from wanting to be jovial instead he wishes for his life to be different. To be not forgotten and always remembered.
Hence why is trying to set up a party for his life and having a Living Wake. So that he can toot his horn one more time and make people love him. Even though every one who is around him hates or at minimum tolerate him except for Mills. Which leads to a lot of groan inducing moments at his Living Wake. As he makes it all about himself and never about the people who really there.
Except to punish them by belittling them, prodding them or just being who is and that is a total dick. It is also the reason I hate this movie. I can not like H. Roth Binew he is just unlikable. As much as the movie is about him it is also about Mills who I love. So you have the crazed village drunk and the friendly sweet and kind friend who respects everyone. They could not be an odder pair.
It is also what makes this movie wonderful. Especially towards the end. When you see how Mills is more than just a friend. He is what every human needs. That one person who cares as much about you as you should about yourself. It is those fleeting moments at the end of this movie. That this movie shines and touches on many cords. Just making it to the point will be a trial of attrition by many people out there. All because this movie is not main steam. It is dark and insulting.
All of which makes it a movie to just search out and see none the less. If you need a movie about death and an asshole this is you prime choice. If you wish to not deal with death and all that it encompasses then steer clear. As this movie is what it is a Living Wake.
My Rating: 2.75 Stars out of 5
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Director: Jason Eisener
Writer(s): Jason Eisener, John Davies, Rob Cotterill
Cast: Rutger Hauer, Pasha Ebrahimi, Rob Wells
Rotten Tomatoes: 67% Fresh Critics 64% Fresh Audience
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
What is there to say about a vigilante Hobo who is out to clean up the town he rode into? Well how about completely freaking amazing! Yes I am excited about writing this review. Yes I enjoyed this over the top homage to the grind-house classics of the 70's and the 80's. It is just a ridiculous rampage of carnage, gore and explosive entrails. It is exactly what I expected and more.
Now I will say this. It is a paper thin plot with cliched characterizations of villains and vigilante justice. I just could not care less as this movie gets more and more insane as it goes on. From beheadings, to lawnmower dismemberment to heads exploding. This movie covers everything in buckets and buckets of blood. Which makes this movie not for the squeamish in the least.
Now if you are one who revels in the gore, pain and agony of mankind. This movie is not only perfect for you. It is going to be a delight and it was for me. Not to say I do not have a love for my fellow mankind. I just agreed with the principles of the Hobo. Which are to clean up the streets that he lives on and to take down the tyrant who runs FuckTown.
All the while he is doing his best to keep his humanity and not became what he is fighting against. It is simple and to the point and never waivers other than his interest in the one he calls the school teacher. Who helps the Hobo out after he helped her. It never develops into a love interest but more into a father daughter or grandfather daughter relationship. It is also provides the heartfelt cushy moments and some of the better acting scene through out the movie.
Now if you go into this thinking that the acting will be Oscar worthy or a wonderful script, plot or anything really dramatic. You my friend have no idea what you stumble into and probably will not enjoy a simple movie of revenge and carnage. Which is all "Hobo with a Shotgun" is. He is the anti-hero who is more similar to Marvel's "Punisher" than anything out there. But unlike the Punisher the Hobo just wants to cut yards and make a living.
Sadly he just happened to ride into town that is called FuckTown and all its problems. So what is a Hobo to do? Well how about taking out the garbage one shell at a time? Because that is what he does and he took my heart away as I fell in love with the Hobo and his shotgun!
My Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
Director: René Cardona
Writer(s): Adolfo Torres Portillo, René Cardona
Cast: José Elías Moreno, Cesáreo Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky'
Rotten Tomatoes: 43% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
What is their to say about "Santa Claus"? Well.. In all honesty it is creepy, weird, sadistic and just completely wrong! Now that I have said that. This movie as bad as it is. Is completely beloved, cherished and adored in Mexico and Latin America. Which I found hard to believe till I saw that it regularly runs during prime-time once or twice during December and families take time out to sit down and watch it.
As weird as that sounds in America I can not say a damn thing about it. As we Americans will sit down on Christmas Day and watch "A Christmas Story" all day long on TBS and we can not miss our "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as well. Now that this history lesson is done and out of the way let's get to what makes this movie what it is.
"Santa Claus" is well um how do I put this delicately. He is into child labor to make his toys, he is also very aggressive angry and down right scary. He is far from jolly and is more of a militant man who wants to force the world into being good. But he can only come down from his cloud fortress above the North Pole once a year. Which is a problem as the Devil has come to Earth to convince all the children in the world to be evil.
So that Santa Claus loses power. As weird as all this sounds it is very and I must emphasize this VERY creepy! As you see scenes of people trying to burn Santa's letters, scenes from Hell, and a devil who invades children's dreams. Now as bad as all that is seeing all the children workers and them shining guns at the start. Is above and beyond the worst of the scenes in this movie.
Now choosing that scene is like picking the nicest turd in a toilet. You just go that one and say it is the worst. When in reality the whole package is just total crap. Especially when in the middle of the movie Merlin the magician shows up and the movie goes from Christmas to King Arthur and back to Christmas. But now it is more militant as Merlin gives Santa weapons that he eventually uses on three naughty boys. Not that they are bad but more questionable as they put them to sleep and makes them dream.
It is this that makes me squirm the most. It is just not right that a adult uses means to put kids to sleep and be under his control. Which the kids in his workshop are. Nothing like volunteer child labor to make your toys for other children. Now not to be politically incorrect this sounds more like a Chinese Sweat shop than a happy go lucky Elf workshop that we all know and love.
Now that all that is creepy about this nothing grates on my nerves and others nerves. Than the singing that is so out of key and awful that you wish for nails across a chalkboard. Which would be not only a improvement to the movie it would fit into this movies total weird nature! Like Santa's sleigh and reindeer that are wind up toys that become magical dust if he does not get back by sunrise? Really sunrise and magical toy sleigh?
But what makes this worse is the fact that the reindeer are white and beyond creepy with their laugh. It is nightmare inducing to small children if they have to watch it over and over. Thankfully it is a short lived moment. Otherwise I might be having a living nightmare. Unfortunately that does not help me as I had to sit through this movie. But doing it for this blog and this challenge it is worth it in the long run.
Especially as this movie has fallen into the public domain status. Which makes it one of a handful of awful movies everyone can enjoy. It is also seen as one of the all-time classic bad films. Rating up their with "Plan Nine from Outer Space" and 'Troll 2" and it has the lovable qualities of both of these movies. That it is so bad that it makes you appreciate it and as odd as that sounds. This movie did make it on "Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and that alone proves where this film lands in all-time failures.
As they only did mock-reviews of classic crapfest films like this one and if they where still going on today. I am sure some of the movies on my list would be prime suspects for them. As I say that I hopefully one day can put together enough money and make a Youtube video series about these movies. But that is along way away and this is the best I can do. So thankfully I can find enjoyment in bad films like this one and that is not always the case. So "Santa Claus" you might suck but I can see why people love you and enjoy you. For that you avoid getting a horribly low rating.
My Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars (Just on nostalgia and it being a classic film!)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Director: David Betances
Writer(s): David Betances, Sevier Crespo
Cast: Melina Lizette, Kenyetta Lethridge, Steven Bauer
Rotten Tomatoes: 14% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
Oh the car genre and all the purpetual knock offs of other movies. Some good, some bad then you have the awful. Which this movie falls into and not one you want to subject yourself to. As it is loosely based on "Gone in 60 Seconds" with a group of degenerates who are into boosting cars. That is about all these two movies share. As they could not be any more different.
As where "Gone in 60 Seconds" was about a brother saving his brother. While this one is a sexual adventure of dysfunction as a group of girls use what their mama gave them to steal cars. All while there is another evil man. Who is trying to put a stop to it and in the process is offing all of them as best as he can so he has no competition. All of which plays out in cut scenes, vignettes and long drawn out text lines. Like "Car crash on the 105....".
Which not only shows the lack of a budget it shows no budget. As each car is this movie is either rented, borrowed and or owned by one of the actors. So they can no wreck them and it is not the worst part of this movie. It would be the acting and the plot. Which both just suck the life out of you as the movie progresses. Especially all the scenes with Knight (Anthony Ray Parker). Who is best known as Dozer in "The Matrix".
Sadly that might be his highlight of his career. Because he just plain sucks in this movie. But he is not the worst actor in all of this and picking on for this top spot is impossible to do. As the entire cast is a joke of bad actresses mostly who are better looking on screen than acting. Which will make men happy as they can see some nice Ford Mustangs and that is about it. Which for a car movie about boosting cars is down right a crisis point.
Now as bad as that is. This movie is just one that no one should be seen. It should not be rented, should not be owned and overall it should be used as a torture device towards car fans. As this movie will make even the most devout car heist fan feel as if they are being punished. Which is how I felt at the end of this movie. Thankfully I can just pop in "Fast and the Furious", "Gone in 60 Seconds" or just watch "Initial D". Either which way I win instead of lose like this horrible film.
My Rating: .5 out 5 Stars
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writer(s): Tommy Wirkola, Stig Frode Henriksen
Cast: Jeppe Laursen, Charlotte Frogner, Jerry Skavalan
Rotten Tomatoes: Critics 68% Fresh, Audience 58% Fresh
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
There are three horror films I have been asked multiple times to review. Those being "Human Centipede", "Fido" and "Dead Snow". But a third as propped up that one being "Hobo with a Shotgun". All of which are in my random Que and when they pop up I will watch and review them. Now thankfully one of this list has come off. That being "Dead Snow".
Which is a teen/college thriller. About a group of kids who go out into the Alp's for a Easter get away. When they find not only fun but rabid Nazi Zombies. Which is not only as crazy it is addicting and overly fun especially for a zombie movie genre fan as myself. Especially one with as many movie references as this one has. From "Evil Dead" to "Braindead a.k.a Dead Alive."
With this one being the most like "Evil Dead" as the kids are out in the most desolate place and away from humanity. Which sets up several key scenes. As the kids unfamiliarity of their surroundings and the fact that through most the film They never know whats is happening around this is just downright silly. But so very entertaining. Now this movie would not be complete with out scenes of a overly cliched manor.
As in sex, gore and super bad special effects. None of which I will describe as they are part of the charm of this movie. Especially since the movies make up effects are down right laughable. As the zombies carry nothing of a scare factor to them. Which is fine as this movie is far from being a serious zombie film and more of an homage to zombie films instead.
Kind of like "Shawn of the Dead" as it to was not a straight zombie film. But a comedy of the zombie genre. Just like this one is a poke in the side of greedy zombies Nazis. All of which is great fun as not only a zombie film but a comedy as well. Which at least to me is priceless and so damn entertaining. Now only if more zombie movies could be this damn entertaining.
Especially in the thrills part which are so over the top and disgusting that it will either leave you wanting to puke laughing you head off. Which it did for me. Now unlike other Zombie fare this move has an amazing plot twist that you never really see coming. Which not only makes it one every special zombie film. It makes it one of my top three zombie films of all time.
Which says something about this movie. Now if you need to know my top three included. "Shawn of the Dead", "Night of the Living Dead" and 'Return of the Living Dead". Which makes this one very special movie. Which every zombie fan must see at least once in their lifetimes. If you don't and you are a zombie fan you are missing out on one of the greatest zombie films of all time.
My Rating: 4 out 5 Stars