Friday, August 26, 2011
Director(s): D.A. Jackson, Jean-Luc Syndikas
Writer(s): D.A. Jackson, Jean-Luc Syndikas
Cast: Donkey Punch Disco, Secret Mango, Amos Phillips
Rotten Tomatoes: No ratings just 0% want to see it.
Netflix: 1.6 Stars
I can think of tons of adjectives to describe this movie. But I will stick to just one word and it is just "Shit". Yes folks this movie is SHIT! There is just way around it and seeing that is a relative unknown in the world of movies I can see where this movie is heading. if you have not guessed where that direction is. It is down into the bowls of the worst films in movie history.
I say that with no grain of salt or remorse. This is simply a painful movie to watch and not in the "Human Centipede" way. But in the "Oh my god this is terrible!" way nor is it in the I am so terrible I am awesome way. As the movie goes on juvenile extremes from poop, vomit and piss jokes to just being overly the top insulting. All the while never entertaining. As the movie and its three stories have no real plots.
The first one is a mash up of drugs, a girl getting stuck in a fridge, suicide and a old woman dying after being run over by a car. None of the stories make any sense or even work together. But for some reason they are the first tale. The second one is about doppelgangers and guy who torments his doppelganger, only to find out he is one of three. With one being a mass murderer, another being a deformed version of himself.
In this one he ends up saving his deformed self and killing the mass murderer. The third one is a vignette to snuff films as a guy is knocked out, then tortured by a sadistic girl.and it is the only one that actually reminds me of a real film. As it is gritty, obnoxious and down right chilling as it is all to real. Especially the further into the torture you get as it leans towards to most sadistic sides of humanity.
The sad part as good as these scenes are. The acting is down right horrible and this entire segment is just there to gross you out. As you have fingers, and his penis being cut off. Hot water being used to burn him and power drills to kill him. It is as if they wanted to be "Hostel" or "Saw" and completely failed. Now there is a forth set and it deals witht he narrator of the movie.
As he takes care of his dog human friend and tells him stories. All the while he has hostage in his backyard that he pisses on, beats and ultimately kills. But no scene is more disgusting that watching the man dog shit on the corpses face at the end. It is down right vile and so unneeded and was totally put in for pure gross out measures as where so many other scenes in the movie.
Now as a while picture this movie is a disjointed mess with no purpose or plot. Unlike other movies in this genre like "Trick 'R' Treat" and 'Creepshow" which have a moral behind the stories. This does not and it is because of this vacant plot points of each story. You are left with a feeling of longing as there is no closer to anything in this movie. With the lone exception maybe being story number two.
But even then that one left you with questions and was far from perfect. Which is a good summation of this total movie far from perfect. But and there always his this movie might find a home on many horror shelves and ques because it is easily digestible and easily toss able if nothing else. It also is a great popcorn and beer movie to make fun of with your friends. So in the end might be its lonely redeeming quality it is so bad you bring friends along to make fun of it.
My Rating: 0 out of 5 Stars
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six
Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Critics Fresh 28% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
I seriously can not understand how anyone can watch this movie. I have watched "Hostel" and "Saw". Believe me when I say this. They have nothing on this movie what so ever. It is simply the most perverse, disgusting and vile film ever made. Till well "Human Centipede 2" which has been banned in Great Britain. But I am getting ahead of myself. I just watched the first one and I wish I had not.
As this movie not only made me puke in my mouth eight times and dry heave countless others. It will sit with me ever and cause to have nightmares. Why any one person would ever want to see this is beyond me. But if I was given a choice this or say one of my most hated films. "Skeleton Key 2: Mark of the Beast 666" I would chose 'Skeleton Key 2" any day of the week as bad as it is. I can hold my lunch down.
Now if I want to look at a brighter side of this sick film. It can single handily help me lose weight as I will surely vomit up what ever I had prior to watching. Which I did I just held back and swallowed it down. I do not why maybe stupidity? Maybe because no movie has ever made me run to a trash can or a toilet. Either which way I am scarred for life because this was the number one film people wanted me to review.
So for all of you sick little fucks that thought that this movie should be seen. I hate you and I really really mean HATE! You are not friends you are sadistic little shits that want to torture those who you like. You have a mean streak and want me as the middle piece in your "Human Centipede" you want me eating your shit and then shitting it out for the back end. I so do not like being in the middle and as a reviewer I am. I am the middle fucking piece between sanity and all of those who might want to watch this horrible movie.
Which none of you do believe me. This is reserved for the sickest of sickest minds and even then I would doubt many would love it. But some how and some way this movie carries nearly a 50% rating on IMDb. Which I honestly believe is a lot of 1's and 10's being posted by people so it figures out as a 5 roughly. Now for all of you that liked this movie. Shame on you!
But before I go any farther I will give this movie a 3 out of 5. But I did not like it. I give it completely on story, acting and its art direction. I in no way condone this film. I can not say that enough. JUST NO! Now that my bitchfest is over. Lets get to the real review. "Human Centipede" is a psychological thriller about a mad doctor. Who hates humanity and wants to create instead of destroy as he has done over his career.
His career was the forth most leading doctor of Siamese Twins separation. Which you can tell he once loved but when he retired he wanted to be different. So he created a Siamese dog which was three rottweilers linked ass to mouth. Now the good old doc was not impressed enough with this invention. So he went out and decided lets do this with humans. So he first got himself a Dutch trucker. Then two hapless American tourists showed up on his doorstep.
Because they had blown a tire going to a club. But in the process got lost and ended up at the good old docs house. Now that they had arrived the poor old Dutch man did not fit into the equation and was killed. Because his fat ass did not match the two skinny pretty girls. So the doc offed the poor guy and said he was sorry. Only to go out and find another tourist this time a Japanese man who he thought was a better fit. From there we get the human centipede. Where ass meets mouth and shit enters throats!
As the lead part eats normal food. The middle gets the first passed shit and on down. It is totally disgusting and fucking hideous. But some reason the writer/director Tom Six had to show us this scene. He had to show us it in a long drawn out scene. Now I should be thankful it was only one scene and no more of them happened like this. But then he came later in the film about feeding him a laxative. So that next time he can not hold back.
Again it is just not right. Which is all this movie is. Is scene after scene of torture, pain and agony. There is nothing pleasurable about this film. Even the 'Saw" and "Hostel" movies as disgusting as they are have moments where they lighten the mood. This movie just pushes down the throttle of gross out horror and never lets up. Which is not only draining it is vomit inducing. Which you have read I had my issues with. If through all of this and you are still interested in seeing this movie.
All I can say is have at it. I will never ask someone to watch this. Nor will I ever sit through this again. I know that in some future review. I will end up watching the sequel to this and from what I hear. It cranked up the fucked up meter. Which not only scares me it makes think that it alone. Will be the first movie I stop watching and turn off. As well making me vomit. Now that might be something for me to look forward to. So "Human Centipede 2" I hope you bring your 'A Game" because your big brother didn't make me quit.
My Rating: 3 out 5 Stars
Director: Sol Tryon
Writer(s): Peter Kline, Mike O'Connell
Cast: Mike O'Connell, Jesse Eisenberg, Jim Gaffigan
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Critics Fresh, 71% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 3.1 Stars
I honestly do not know where to start on this review. As this is the strangest movie I have seen in a long time. As it is about a man celebrating his last day of life. All the while being the most obnoxious person he can be but it is just who he is. He is egotistical, self serving and cocky man. Who believes that he is the best and most important thing in his town and in the world.
It is this attitude that makes H. Roth Binew (Mike O'Connell) possibly the most repulsive man in film making history. As bad as all this sounds he is so very entertaining as not a loser but a man who must lose everything. In order to find out who he is. Just getting to that point is filled with calamity, despair and oh yes comedy. Now the comedy is dark, insulting, and disturbing. As H. Roth Binew stresses on completing his list of things do on his last day of life.
It is also this list that makes you either fall in love with him or completely hate him. I fall somewhere in the middle of this. I loved parts of this movie and completely hated other parts. All the while I despised H. Roth Binew as I found him to much of a ego driven asshole. That needed a slap down and believe me he gets it. Unfortunately his friend, biographer and confidant Mills (Jesse Eisenberg) is absolutely lovable and cute. In his role as the village idiots best friend.
The tandem of K. Roth Binew and Mills is very polarizing as they are complete opposites. Which makes this movie more engaging. As each scene of K. Roth acts more like and Ass and Mills keeps trying to convince him that life is not all bad. Sadly though for all he does K. Roth is far from wanting to be jovial instead he wishes for his life to be different. To be not forgotten and always remembered.
Hence why is trying to set up a party for his life and having a Living Wake. So that he can toot his horn one more time and make people love him. Even though every one who is around him hates or at minimum tolerate him except for Mills. Which leads to a lot of groan inducing moments at his Living Wake. As he makes it all about himself and never about the people who really there.
Except to punish them by belittling them, prodding them or just being who is and that is a total dick. It is also the reason I hate this movie. I can not like H. Roth Binew he is just unlikable. As much as the movie is about him it is also about Mills who I love. So you have the crazed village drunk and the friendly sweet and kind friend who respects everyone. They could not be an odder pair.
It is also what makes this movie wonderful. Especially towards the end. When you see how Mills is more than just a friend. He is what every human needs. That one person who cares as much about you as you should about yourself. It is those fleeting moments at the end of this movie. That this movie shines and touches on many cords. Just making it to the point will be a trial of attrition by many people out there. All because this movie is not main steam. It is dark and insulting.
All of which makes it a movie to just search out and see none the less. If you need a movie about death and an asshole this is you prime choice. If you wish to not deal with death and all that it encompasses then steer clear. As this movie is what it is a Living Wake.
My Rating: 2.75 Stars out of 5
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Director: Jason Eisener
Writer(s): Jason Eisener, John Davies, Rob Cotterill
Cast: Rutger Hauer, Pasha Ebrahimi, Rob Wells
Rotten Tomatoes: 67% Fresh Critics 64% Fresh Audience
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
What is there to say about a vigilante Hobo who is out to clean up the town he rode into? Well how about completely freaking amazing! Yes I am excited about writing this review. Yes I enjoyed this over the top homage to the grind-house classics of the 70's and the 80's. It is just a ridiculous rampage of carnage, gore and explosive entrails. It is exactly what I expected and more.
Now I will say this. It is a paper thin plot with cliched characterizations of villains and vigilante justice. I just could not care less as this movie gets more and more insane as it goes on. From beheadings, to lawnmower dismemberment to heads exploding. This movie covers everything in buckets and buckets of blood. Which makes this movie not for the squeamish in the least.
Now if you are one who revels in the gore, pain and agony of mankind. This movie is not only perfect for you. It is going to be a delight and it was for me. Not to say I do not have a love for my fellow mankind. I just agreed with the principles of the Hobo. Which are to clean up the streets that he lives on and to take down the tyrant who runs FuckTown.
All the while he is doing his best to keep his humanity and not became what he is fighting against. It is simple and to the point and never waivers other than his interest in the one he calls the school teacher. Who helps the Hobo out after he helped her. It never develops into a love interest but more into a father daughter or grandfather daughter relationship. It is also provides the heartfelt cushy moments and some of the better acting scene through out the movie.
Now if you go into this thinking that the acting will be Oscar worthy or a wonderful script, plot or anything really dramatic. You my friend have no idea what you stumble into and probably will not enjoy a simple movie of revenge and carnage. Which is all "Hobo with a Shotgun" is. He is the anti-hero who is more similar to Marvel's "Punisher" than anything out there. But unlike the Punisher the Hobo just wants to cut yards and make a living.
Sadly he just happened to ride into town that is called FuckTown and all its problems. So what is a Hobo to do? Well how about taking out the garbage one shell at a time? Because that is what he does and he took my heart away as I fell in love with the Hobo and his shotgun!
My Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
Director: René Cardona
Writer(s): Adolfo Torres Portillo, René Cardona
Cast: José Elías Moreno, Cesáreo Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky'
Rotten Tomatoes: 43% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
What is their to say about "Santa Claus"? Well.. In all honesty it is creepy, weird, sadistic and just completely wrong! Now that I have said that. This movie as bad as it is. Is completely beloved, cherished and adored in Mexico and Latin America. Which I found hard to believe till I saw that it regularly runs during prime-time once or twice during December and families take time out to sit down and watch it.
As weird as that sounds in America I can not say a damn thing about it. As we Americans will sit down on Christmas Day and watch "A Christmas Story" all day long on TBS and we can not miss our "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as well. Now that this history lesson is done and out of the way let's get to what makes this movie what it is.
"Santa Claus" is well um how do I put this delicately. He is into child labor to make his toys, he is also very aggressive angry and down right scary. He is far from jolly and is more of a militant man who wants to force the world into being good. But he can only come down from his cloud fortress above the North Pole once a year. Which is a problem as the Devil has come to Earth to convince all the children in the world to be evil.
So that Santa Claus loses power. As weird as all this sounds it is very and I must emphasize this VERY creepy! As you see scenes of people trying to burn Santa's letters, scenes from Hell, and a devil who invades children's dreams. Now as bad as all that is seeing all the children workers and them shining guns at the start. Is above and beyond the worst of the scenes in this movie.
Now choosing that scene is like picking the nicest turd in a toilet. You just go that one and say it is the worst. When in reality the whole package is just total crap. Especially when in the middle of the movie Merlin the magician shows up and the movie goes from Christmas to King Arthur and back to Christmas. But now it is more militant as Merlin gives Santa weapons that he eventually uses on three naughty boys. Not that they are bad but more questionable as they put them to sleep and makes them dream.
It is this that makes me squirm the most. It is just not right that a adult uses means to put kids to sleep and be under his control. Which the kids in his workshop are. Nothing like volunteer child labor to make your toys for other children. Now not to be politically incorrect this sounds more like a Chinese Sweat shop than a happy go lucky Elf workshop that we all know and love.
Now that all that is creepy about this nothing grates on my nerves and others nerves. Than the singing that is so out of key and awful that you wish for nails across a chalkboard. Which would be not only a improvement to the movie it would fit into this movies total weird nature! Like Santa's sleigh and reindeer that are wind up toys that become magical dust if he does not get back by sunrise? Really sunrise and magical toy sleigh?
But what makes this worse is the fact that the reindeer are white and beyond creepy with their laugh. It is nightmare inducing to small children if they have to watch it over and over. Thankfully it is a short lived moment. Otherwise I might be having a living nightmare. Unfortunately that does not help me as I had to sit through this movie. But doing it for this blog and this challenge it is worth it in the long run.
Especially as this movie has fallen into the public domain status. Which makes it one of a handful of awful movies everyone can enjoy. It is also seen as one of the all-time classic bad films. Rating up their with "Plan Nine from Outer Space" and 'Troll 2" and it has the lovable qualities of both of these movies. That it is so bad that it makes you appreciate it and as odd as that sounds. This movie did make it on "Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and that alone proves where this film lands in all-time failures.
As they only did mock-reviews of classic crapfest films like this one and if they where still going on today. I am sure some of the movies on my list would be prime suspects for them. As I say that I hopefully one day can put together enough money and make a Youtube video series about these movies. But that is along way away and this is the best I can do. So thankfully I can find enjoyment in bad films like this one and that is not always the case. So "Santa Claus" you might suck but I can see why people love you and enjoy you. For that you avoid getting a horribly low rating.
My Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars (Just on nostalgia and it being a classic film!)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Director: David Betances
Writer(s): David Betances, Sevier Crespo
Cast: Melina Lizette, Kenyetta Lethridge, Steven Bauer
Rotten Tomatoes: 14% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
Oh the car genre and all the purpetual knock offs of other movies. Some good, some bad then you have the awful. Which this movie falls into and not one you want to subject yourself to. As it is loosely based on "Gone in 60 Seconds" with a group of degenerates who are into boosting cars. That is about all these two movies share. As they could not be any more different.
As where "Gone in 60 Seconds" was about a brother saving his brother. While this one is a sexual adventure of dysfunction as a group of girls use what their mama gave them to steal cars. All while there is another evil man. Who is trying to put a stop to it and in the process is offing all of them as best as he can so he has no competition. All of which plays out in cut scenes, vignettes and long drawn out text lines. Like "Car crash on the 105....".
Which not only shows the lack of a budget it shows no budget. As each car is this movie is either rented, borrowed and or owned by one of the actors. So they can no wreck them and it is not the worst part of this movie. It would be the acting and the plot. Which both just suck the life out of you as the movie progresses. Especially all the scenes with Knight (Anthony Ray Parker). Who is best known as Dozer in "The Matrix".
Sadly that might be his highlight of his career. Because he just plain sucks in this movie. But he is not the worst actor in all of this and picking on for this top spot is impossible to do. As the entire cast is a joke of bad actresses mostly who are better looking on screen than acting. Which will make men happy as they can see some nice Ford Mustangs and that is about it. Which for a car movie about boosting cars is down right a crisis point.
Now as bad as that is. This movie is just one that no one should be seen. It should not be rented, should not be owned and overall it should be used as a torture device towards car fans. As this movie will make even the most devout car heist fan feel as if they are being punished. Which is how I felt at the end of this movie. Thankfully I can just pop in "Fast and the Furious", "Gone in 60 Seconds" or just watch "Initial D". Either which way I win instead of lose like this horrible film.
My Rating: .5 out 5 Stars
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writer(s): Tommy Wirkola, Stig Frode Henriksen
Cast: Jeppe Laursen, Charlotte Frogner, Jerry Skavalan
Rotten Tomatoes: Critics 68% Fresh, Audience 58% Fresh
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
There are three horror films I have been asked multiple times to review. Those being "Human Centipede", "Fido" and "Dead Snow". But a third as propped up that one being "Hobo with a Shotgun". All of which are in my random Que and when they pop up I will watch and review them. Now thankfully one of this list has come off. That being "Dead Snow".
Which is a teen/college thriller. About a group of kids who go out into the Alp's for a Easter get away. When they find not only fun but rabid Nazi Zombies. Which is not only as crazy it is addicting and overly fun especially for a zombie movie genre fan as myself. Especially one with as many movie references as this one has. From "Evil Dead" to "Braindead a.k.a Dead Alive."
With this one being the most like "Evil Dead" as the kids are out in the most desolate place and away from humanity. Which sets up several key scenes. As the kids unfamiliarity of their surroundings and the fact that through most the film They never know whats is happening around this is just downright silly. But so very entertaining. Now this movie would not be complete with out scenes of a overly cliched manor.
As in sex, gore and super bad special effects. None of which I will describe as they are part of the charm of this movie. Especially since the movies make up effects are down right laughable. As the zombies carry nothing of a scare factor to them. Which is fine as this movie is far from being a serious zombie film and more of an homage to zombie films instead.
Kind of like "Shawn of the Dead" as it to was not a straight zombie film. But a comedy of the zombie genre. Just like this one is a poke in the side of greedy zombies Nazis. All of which is great fun as not only a zombie film but a comedy as well. Which at least to me is priceless and so damn entertaining. Now only if more zombie movies could be this damn entertaining.
Especially in the thrills part which are so over the top and disgusting that it will either leave you wanting to puke laughing you head off. Which it did for me. Now unlike other Zombie fare this move has an amazing plot twist that you never really see coming. Which not only makes it one every special zombie film. It makes it one of my top three zombie films of all time.
Which says something about this movie. Now if you need to know my top three included. "Shawn of the Dead", "Night of the Living Dead" and 'Return of the Living Dead". Which makes this one very special movie. Which every zombie fan must see at least once in their lifetimes. If you don't and you are a zombie fan you are missing out on one of the greatest zombie films of all time.
My Rating: 4 out 5 Stars
Director: John Stephenson
Writer(s): David Solomons, E. Nesbit (Novel)
Cast: Tara Fitzgerald, Freddie Highmore, Alex Jennings
Rotten Tomatoes: 57% Critics Fresh 44% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 3.6 Stars
"5 Children and It" what can I say about it? It is magical, cute and entertaining. That is just a simple answer to a wonderful children's movie. That is part "Chronicles of Narnia" part "Three Wishes" and part children's creature feature. But all together lovely.
With Freddie Highmore leading the way. This movie steps over the boundaries of typical children's fare and into a more mainstream approach. Especially with voice talent of Eddie Izzard as "It" and Kenneth Branagh as the crazed uncle. That is not to say that this movie is perfect in any way. Because it is not. The movie drags in parts and is cliched in others. Which will turn away some younger viewers as the movie gets overly preachy and overly boring.
Which if you can look past it you will find a movie filled with magic. As long as you make a smart wish that is. Which honestly is the main story point of this film is that magic fades and will be forgotten. Which to this reviewer it won't be as I enjoyed this movie. Mainly because it is simple and enjoyable but not overly funny though.
So the positives are the acting, actors and special effects. Down side lack of originality, emotion and suspense of the moments that called for them. As a whole though this is a good straight forward children's film that most adults can find enjoyment out of if they still have a inner child. If not this movie will never work for you and you might want to find that inner child to enjoy. Before you view this movie.
My Rating: 3.25 out of 5 stars
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Director: Russel P. Marleau
Writer: Russel P. Marleau
Cast: Tad Hilgenbrink, Brett Chukerman, Aldevina Da Silva
Rotten Tomatoes: 63% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
I am going to open with this. "It was FABULOUS!" that is how one of my all-time favorite Drag Queen's would describe every act on stage. Which works out perfectly for this eclectic and amazing coming of age movie. That is not only brilliant it goes out of it's way to shine the light not only being Gay. But the times of fathers who push sports on their kids. Despite their kid's having a love for something else.
This give and take of these two principal stories takes a special kind of touch. That is not only spot on it is refreshing, engaging and so thoroughly entertaining. That I often felt I exactly what the actors felt. But it always did not work as there are scenes where the acting fails, the writing slips and the story falls off the tracks. It is just those are so short and spaced out that you just forgive them as passion plays.
Instead of falacies in the acting and script as each misstep ends up being a bigger part of the whole picture. Now I will admit this movie is not for everyone. Especially the overly religious "God Hates Fags!" Westboro Baptist Church ilk of the world. But For the rest of you out there that have family, friends or know someone who is Gay, Trans, Lesbian or just not sure what they are. This movie is a wonderful set piece to broach the subject.
As it takes those special feelings and puts them into a palatable and easily accessible medium. Where families and friends can talk openly about things. Which can not be said of many movies. But if I had to put this in a catagory of film. I would put this along side movies like "Stand by Me" and "The Breakfast Club". As movies that transcend typical popcorn films. As each broaches subjects of death, acceptance and life. Where each of the leads not only grow. They become bigger and better people by the end.
Which "The Curiosity of Chance" not only does it does it spades. As it keeps it simple, smart and often times down right hilarious. Which to me is wonderful and this movie is one of the best I have seen this year. So go on and give this film a chance. It will not disappoint.
My Rating: 4.25 out of 5 Stars
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Director: Cole S. McKay
Writer: Thunder Levin
Cast: Jaz Martin, Hennely Jimenez, AnnaMaria Demara
Rotten Tomatoes: No Rating as of yet. 38% want to see it.
IMDb: 1.9/10 Stars
Netflix: 2.7 Stars
Stripping, cars, hot girls, and racing! Oh what can go wrong in this movie? Well how about everything as this movie falls into the traps that production company The Asylum has put in front of them. Which are shitty graphics, poor writing, no concept of racing, and nothing about cars. The ineptitude of this movie is not only mind blowing it is down right sickening.
As it is definitively riding on the coat tails of the Vin Diesel and Paul Walker power house. Fast and Furious 5. Yet it is not set in the same world as their previous shitfest racer "Street Racer" which much like this one was also following the coat tails of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Now for what makes this movie good? Well that was listed in the first line of this review. So if you want to just focus on that I would just go back and reread that line to your hearts content.
If not here is what makes this movie so freaking awful. We will start with the graphics in this movie which are overly abundant. As each race scene is done in cgi that looks so out of place and misplaced that you wonder if it is not pulled from a PS2 game back in early 2000's. Then to top it off they show close ups of the so called wrecked cars and they are also cgi. Talking about single handily destroying the believe ability of a movie there folks. Come on!
You show wrecks and have wrecks at least wreck the real car if you have it. Not just do a cgi shoot of one then say its the real thing. Now as bad as that is the acting is worse as the characters in the movie can not get out lines with out sounding as if they are reading from que cards. Then there is fact that they have problems with emoting emotions. It is as if they are fresh out of acting school and forgot to learn the basics. Instead of suspense we get moments that are so laughable that you groan in pain from them.
Then again part of that is the script. Which to be honest is the worst thing about this movie. As the writer has no concept of what makes a car go or what makes a racing movie a racing movie. With so much of this movie being a technical crapshoot of terms. You are left going who the hell wrote this!? Then if you know anything about cars you ask yourself if this guy was ever remotely near a car at all. As each passing line of crap about cars gets not only dumber but more and more insulting.
Now if you put all of this together and look at as a whole. It leaves you feeling as if you where mind raped for 90 minutes. Then if that is not enough you know that with the next Fast and Furious film due out in 2013 that we will again. Have to deal with another one of these movies. So if there is a bright side to all of this. It will be this I know at least one B-Film I will be reviewing in 2013 I just do not care to see it.
My Rating 0 out of 5 Stars
Director: Nicholas Carpenter
Writer: Joe Lessard
Cast: Holly Madison, Christina Rosenberg, Nicola Zeoli
Rotten Tomatoes: 14% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
Everyone has their favorite types of horror movies. Be it the shock horror, the gross out, monster feature or as it is for me. The compilation horror feature movie. That has multiple stories wrapped around a central point. Some of the great ones include Creepshow, Trick 'R' Treat and Tales of the Hood. Then you have the ones that deserve mention not on merit or likability but on their total awful nature.
"The Telling" is one of those movies. As it's predictable nature it's overly bad acting and unlikable characters set it up for instant failure. But that is if you can get past the first fifteen to twenty minutes of the movie. Which is not only boring and slow. It just showcases a bunch of stuck up pretty late twenty to thirty year old women. Pretending to be college girls. Seriously some of the even have wrinkles. That say's something to the casting of this movie.
The only one's in this movie who are believable are the pledge girls. They look to be about the right age. While the rest of the cast is down right scary. It is as if they went down to the Hollywood Boulevard and petitioned the hookers on the street corner to sit in for real actresses. Which in all honesty I do not put it past them. As progressive scene in the movie just get's worse and worse. As each actress fails at making you believe in what is going on screen.
None more so than the torture scene in the second story that is down right awful. It is also the scene that sticks in my head the most. But it is far from the worst of the bunch and choosing a winning candidate from this movie is like picking a winning turd. You just do not want to. Because they all are turds and none deserve a blue ribbon. On the bright side this movie has some appeal to the under twenty demographic. As it is a bunch of pretty women dressed up as sluts.
So if anything a teenage boy will find it as a moderate spank bank film. While the young girls might find enjoyment of the sorority all being killed at the end. That is if you make it there. Which most people will not all because the stories inside the movie are full of stupidity and cliched crapiness that they just deserve to be mentioned. So here are the three stories. Story one is about a murdering doll. Story two is about Undead and their making of horror films for the Undead. Number three is a story of three stuck up bitches who end up being killed by a serial killer.
So there you go. Now you know the movie and if you can just skip it. Unless you're a teen boy who just needs to see pretty blondes with their tits hanging out. If not this movie is just not worth the time or effort to watch. If anything just Que up Trick 'R' Treat and watch that. As it is the same premise as this and done so much more care and love than this pathetic excuse of a movie.
My Rating 1 out of 5 Stars
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Director: Jeff Leroy
Writer: Jeremiah Campbell
Cast: April Betts, Patrick Burdine, Eric Coffin
Rotten Tomatoes: n/a
Netflix: 2 Stars
What in the hell did I just watch!? Seriously I have no clue and I just finished watching this God damned movie. Was it a soft core porn with a cheesy script? Was it a Satanist orgy film? Or was it just a group of friends who went out and hired Ron Jeremy for a cameo and then shot possibly one of the worst movies of all time!? Oh fuck it is all of the above and then a bag of flaming dog shit. Seriously one for the annuals of shitty movies.
That is so bad it is not enjoyable. As the minutes ticked away you could count on two things. One naked titties and beheading. It is all this movie is as a coven of witches set forth to kill 666 souls over a year in order to live for another year. This main plot point never gets talked about till the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Even then if you made it this far you are wanting death as it is boring. Yet there is a silver lining to this. Even if it is a small one. You make it to the end you will see a monster so badly done that not only will you laugh.
You will freeze frame it and just start crying. It is nothing more than a sheet, plastic bowels, lights and some cellophane. Which makes it possibly the worst creature I have ever bared witness to. All the while it is the only redeeming thing as it's B-Film classy nature screams for attention. As for the rest of the movie. The cast is seen reading from a prompter or a cue cards. Toss in the sets that are sheets, plywood and plastic. You feel as if you watching a bad movie shot inside a badly done haunted house.
Which is all this movie is with over the top titty action. Which is even more funny as the movie has chances to dive deeper into the smut genre and chooses not to. All of which I do not mind as this movie could not be saved by seeing a penis or a vagina. Even if they are the most perfect of their kind. If anything this movie would neuter those poor souls that showed their beloved private parts.
Which in all honesty this movie has done for the actors involved. If any of them can steer away from this and become something special. I will give them kudos. Sadly if a casting director sees this they will think one thing. I have no need for bad pornstars who can not do more than sit around in their clothes talking about sex. Which is all this movie is and a bag of lingerie.
My Rating: Negative - 2 out of 5 Stars
Monday, August 1, 2011
Directr(s): Ben Hayflick, Adam Silver
Writer(s): Ben Hayflick, Adam Silver
Cast: Patrick Muldoon, Sarah Desage, Bo Svenson
Rotten Tomatoes: 5% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
The Furlough is over and The Asylum and all its wonderful craptastic cinema production is back on the menu. So go figure the second movie that my randomizer pulls up. Is none other than The 7 Adventures of Sinbad. Which in all honesty has not a damn thing to do with Sinbad or the Persian tales. Despite what the box cover, description and art tell you. This is a straight forward farce of a film that deserves mention for ineptitude in every category.
So where to begin? How about a script that is devoid of care and personality. As the movie movies along from set piece to set piece. Never hashing out the story instead it is used as a way to off the members of the cast that have no real meaning. Be it the girl that Sinbad is in love with at the start. To the girl he ends up with at the end. It is just a mockery of writing. Let alone the original source material of Sinbad that had to go through seven trials to save the world.
Well that is one thing this one got right. It did have seven so called trials. But they are so cheesy and badly written you would think it was written by a teenage film student. Not a major motion picture company that makes five to six new films a year. The same can be said of the effects that are so atrociously bad that you would think that they where pulled of a Playstation One video game. Then overlayed into this movie just for fun and because they needed the effects for the movie.
None are more atrocious than the cyclops that is so awful that it is like watching a bad claymation cartoon. With live action film. Which I thought went out during the days of the Original Wrath of the Titans. But then again I am so very wrong. Then again I do not think I am and I am really becoming a complete bitch towards this one company. But how can I not. Especially knowing that I have so many more lovely films to see before the end of the year.
All of which will suck and all of which are scrapping the bottom of a pile of shit. That is not worth watching as it is just painfully smelly and hard to tolerate. But it is what they want. They want you to suffer and to believe what you are seeing is a good movie. It is why their trailers look amazing. It is why their box covers look the way they do. It is to pull you in and make you pay them money. Well folks if you are gullible enough to buy one of these movies. I have a short phrase for you. You are nothing but a sucker and I have no mercy on your souls.
My Rating: 0 out of 5 Stars
Director: Gary Jones
Writer(s): Tony Kandah, Sean Rourke
Cast: Paul Logan, Martin Kove, Robert Davi
Rotten Tomatoes: 0% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
I am flummoxed and not to sure I really want to rip another movie. It has come to be the modus operandi around here lately. Not that I like doing it nor do I live for it. But it is what it is. I just wish I could land on a string of wonderful movies and have glowing reviews for each of you out there to read. Instead I am quickly becoming the Angry Video Game Nerd of movies. Not that James Rolfe does not do bad movies. He just chooses to do bad games reviews more than these. So I give him kudos for that.
Enough with the butt kissing and the brown nosing. It is just time to bite the bullet and suck it up. Ballistica is a stereo-typical spy and espionage film. Complete with the handsome spy, the evil two timing beautiful girl and the boss who get's into trouble. It is all here and it is done in such a way that you can literally guess whats coming next. Then have a wonderful train of thoughts of how good it can be. Then you get berated by horribly stiff acting, laughable nameless gun fodder and a script that is so bloated with crap.
That you feel you have been fed a diet of fatty lard and crap. Then told it is the finest steak because it is browned nicely and has the perfect grill marks. Which happen to be the graphics in the movie. Now when the graphics are the best thing about the movie. You have problems and those are REAL BIG PROBLEMS. Thankfully those scenes are breathers from the bad script and acting.
Which is still not enough to make this movie enjoyable. If anything if you can sit through this movie you will notice several things. All the women in the movie eventually put on skimpy outfits, Paul Logan likes to be topless as much as possible to showcase his muscles. Which is honestly very enjoyable for me. Just not the targeted audience and that is why all the women wear almost nothing at all.
You know that me be the only good parts. Is is seeing pretty people who act like porn stars and have no acting ability and you long for sex scenes. That never materialize. Even then I am thankful and because the last thing I need in this awful movie is describing the bad sex scenes. So that is a saving grace. It was not enough though. So who is this movie good for? Honestly no one.
As it is the worst kinda of propaganda and tripe you can put on film. It is not enjoyable or believable. If anything it puts a bad name to spy movies. Which is so common place that they should be avoided at all costs. So if you want spy go see a Bourne movie or James Bond. Just do not think about this one as you will more than likely not enjoy it and if you do. Please check your temperature and see if you are delusional and in need of medical help.
My Rating: 1 out of 5 Stars