Thursday, June 30, 2011
Director: Israel Luna
Writer: Israel Luna
Cast: Krystal Summers, Kelexis Davenport, William Belli
Rotten Tomatoes: 80% Critics 40% Audience
Everyone has movies that they fear or just choose to not watch. Not on principals or because you fear them. But because you just have a gut feeling that the movie will suck horribly and then you see it and fall in love with it. That is my experience with this movie Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives. It was honestly one of the most entertaining experiences in a long time for me.
This movie not only exceeded my low standards for what I was expecting it gave me a delight unseen in recent memory from my last few B-Movies. As it channeled the best of the 80's campy horror and thriller films and brought it back in a fun exiting and so entertaining way. The story is simple five drag-queens (Trannies) get beat up or killed. With remaining one's vowing revenge on the men that hurt them and killed their friends.
Not much to that story but what this movie has is great writing, entertaining characters and wonderfully hilarious moments. I honestly do not know if they are planned or they just came out the way they did. Either which way it was worth watching and is so going into my horror block of films to show my friends. As it is not horrible and it is just fun and goofy enough that it is enjoyable and worth viewing by any horror fan out there.
My Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Director: Chistopher Coppola
Writer: Christopher Coppola
Cast: Martin Sheen, Robert Carradine
Rotten Tomatoes: Found with 0 ratings and reviews
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
Family lineage is part of Hollywood. With some better than others take the Van Dyke family Dick and Jerry are amazing while Shane needs to be hung out for the crows to peck on. Then there is the Coppola family that has Sofia, Nicholas Cage and Francis Ford-Coppola. Then you have Christopher Coppola who has had the luxury of being in this blog once before for a horrible movie called "Deadfall" which much like this one was written and directed by him.
In all honesty I figured in six years he could have honed his craft and delivered a great movie. Especially when Martin Sheen and Robert Carradine are featured stars in the movie. That judgement of hope was not only extremely off it was down right wrong. As all the faults of "Deadfall" are present in this movie and are at times exceedingly worse. As the audio drops out in several scenes and you literally have to scramble for the remote to turn it up to hear it.
As well as scenes that are shot out of focus and one scene that was so badly shot I thought a child was shooting the movie. It happens around a campfire and the Patriarch of the ranch is talking and all you see is his chest and no head. It is moments like this that make me scream and so many others as well. As it shows that talent is not inherited but born into the person. Which is sad with his family lineage and everyone in that has succeeded in movies.
All the while Christopher tries and you can tell he has a passion for what he does. He just is not good at it at all. As this movie falls into the cliche filled realm of bad Westerns with Hopalong Cassidy as the lead character of a convoluted script about magical gloves. That bring luck and fame to who ever wears them. It is this kind of story telling that makes even purist groan in agony as not only have you soiled westerns you drug a icon a classic through the mud and soiled his name.
For which there is no return. All the while this movies actors some of the worst on record. It honestly makes you not care at all. With each passing moment of these actors stumbling over their lines you just start a parody line and you start to enjoy what is just a horrible film. Which makes it enjoyable only for the agony factor of how bad it is. At the same time it is wonderful as a piece for friends to drink to and laugh at on a bad movie night.
It is where this movie will end up for me. As a set piece in my crapfest movie nights for friends. My once a month night where we watch two to five films and drink. So this movie has one distinguish-en it is the first Western ever to land in this spot. So thank you Christopher for giving me a wonderful piece to tear apart with friends.
My Rating: .5 Stars out 5
Movie Trailer!! Click ME!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Director: Scott Wheeler
Writer: Shane Van Dyke
Cast: Shane Van Dyke, Bruce Boxleitner, Jennifer Rubin
Rotten Tomatoes: 7% Audience
Netflix: 2 Stars
I think I just watched the most amazing movie ever! Not only was I blown away by the acting and special effects. It was simply just an amazing joy to watch this film. It is the best film ever and the Oscar's should be called The Asylum! Because that is where you will end up if you have to watch any of these piece of crap movies. I usually do not hate on people. Yet Shane Van Dyke deserves it and honestly if I was Dick Van Dyke or even Jerry I would have aborted this bastard of the Van Dyke lineage.
As he deserves nothing that his Uncle and Father did. Not only does he shit on their reputation he does it in a way that makes even the most cruelest of dictators hide in fear. As he chooses to insult the masses instead of building them up to love him. He instead chooses to out do the likes of Uwe Boll and Ed Wood. Whom both did bad movies. But as bad as they are you can laugh at their horrible nature.
Not like this movie or some of his other movies like Titanic 2. It is just damning that he is related to one of the Golden Ages of acting greats Dick Van Dyke. How this man is even related to them is beyond me. I know this is harsh and I know this is demeaning to the works he has done. But let's just be honest and clear he folks. He can not write, act or even produce good movies. He chooses to be a copy cat hack that makes money on unsuspecting filmgoers.
Take this movie as example A. It is a play on Transformers with robots coming down to destroy the world. But that sounds like Terminators! Yeah it does but the Alien technology we gained in Roswell, New Mexico is what brought us into the computer age. So all the computers and anything with a computer chip was destroyed. That lead to the invasion of the alien robots. That in turn forced us underground so that we could survive. All the while we are stuck watching as actors fumble lines, bad effects and horrible black tape on all vehicles.
Yes you read that right in one scene you will see the emblem of the car, truck or suv covered in black tape. Only to see the next scene it isn't and then it is is again. That or you will see a human driving a car that is supposed to be driven by no one. Maybe you want lines like this "Put the phone in the gun box. Put it in the glove box." Like you couldn't remember your lines their Bruce Boxleitner! I know you saved Babylon 5 and are the infamous and sexy Tron!
But do me a favor Bruce and stay the hell away from anything else by the Asylum. You are to good an actor to have to continually be in these movies. Seriously just focus on the next Tron sequel and the money you make from that and forgo these pieces of monkey crap. Even that is a compliment as I can not think of pieces of crap that deserve to be ridiculed like this movie does. Gah! I just hate these movies but I watch them so others do not have to.
Sadly my voice does not get out far enough to say not to watch these films. It falls on the Internets deaf ears. Which I can not change. If anything you my gentle reader can spread the word to avoid these movies. But I fear most of you use this blog as a means to scar your life and your friends life as you seek out some of these turd sandwiches I review for your own sadistic pleasure. You know that is fine. I can not change that but what I can change is this. I can remove all other Asylum pictures from my randomizer for the next month and then put them back in.
Just so I can get a break from them. I honestly can not look at another one with out wanting a pencil through my temple feeling. So enjoy this stay of films as I won't watch or review another Asylum picture till sometime in August!
My Rating: Negative -2 out of 5 Stars
Monday, June 27, 2011
Director(s): Jopi Burnama, Charles Kaufman
Writer(s): Charles Kaufman, Deddy Armand, Joey Gaynor
Cast: Eva Arnaz, Barry Prima
Rotten Tomatoes: 60% Audience
Netflix: 2 Stars
I want to admit something upfront I love Troma Pictures. Growing up I watched "The Toxic Avenger" and "Class of Nuke'em High" and it was those movies that spurned my love for B-Movies. So today when I say Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters pop up in my random cue. I was not only ecstatic I was thrilled to watch a Troma movie. Sadly those feelings died in the first five minutes of the movie.
As I felt as a viewer sorry and saddened for the men and women who worked on this movie. It was an insult to the work that they did as the English dub not only ruined the story it showcased exactly how far Americans will go to turn anything into a mockery and do they ever. With a story about a sister fighting to save her brothers life. Because his semen instead of going out his penis goes straight to his head instead. Then there is the line "What is brown and holy? followed by what? Holy Shit!" that not only stinks up the film it is regurgitated multiple times through out.
All the while you can see from the movie itself it is a serious movie. With an engaging and well planned plot and not this mockery of a movie that Troma made. It was so bad that the company that originally did the movie told Troma that they better not let anyone who worked on this movie see it. Hell I agree with that sentiment as a fan of Troma I believe no one should see it. As they tried to copy Woody Allen's "What's up, Tiger Lily?' which is not only superior it is enjoyable unlike this movie.
Which not only shows its age it shows that some movies which might be good for the times do not age well. This just happens to be one of them. For the times this movie would have been great as Americans then didn't do well with epic's from Asia and often rewrote the entire script when it came stateside. Unlike today where we try to keep the story and characters the same. So that we do not insult the people who worked on the movie and to keep up the cinema quality of the production.
Troma sadly did not and as such I just can not recommend this movie to anyone. I personally hated it beyond belief and wanted to turn it off. Yet I did not in hopes that the movie would get better. Instead it just kept getting worse as if they wanted to belittle and maim the viewers not only with poor writing but even worse voice acting. From the Elvis impersonator to the horrible southern accents and Italian ones as well. It is just a mess that no one should endure at any point.
Now if you need a movie to piss off your friends and are in need of torture yourself. You can not do much worse than this one. But do yourself a favor and close your eyes and pay attention to the acting. As it is horrible and down right the worst thing you can imagine. But if you watch the movie and forget the words you will see what looks to be an amazing movie that needs to be seen. That movie is called "The Fighters" or "Barang Terlarang!" either which way I am going to go out and find this movie and do a review on the original source of this God awful movie.
My Rating: .25 out of 5 Stars
Director: Andrew Cymek
Writer: Andrew Cymek
Cast: Jason Ruso (Christian WWE), Landy Cannon, Brigette Kingsley
Rotten Tomatoes: 37% Audience
Netflix: 2.5 Stars
Dark Rising draws a parallel with a classic horror movie masterpiece and that movie is the Evil Dead series. With a cast of characters, heroes and reading of books that brings Hell to Earth. That is not only entertaining it is at times hilarious but not in the smart ass remarks of Ash from Evil Dead. But in those moments of "Oh boy that is just awful."
One in particular scene was so bad that even the cast made jokes about it. I choose to not ruin it as it is so obvious that anyone with a smidgen of a brain can find it. Now outside of that scene the rest of the movie is good to decent. With some great acting by some and others not so much. With the highlight being on Jay Ruso who is better known as Christian from WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). As his comedic timing and acting not only elevated this movie.
It was down right good. I have been a fan of his for a while but as far as acting goes. He needs to do a lot more as he is honestly very watchable and very entertaining on the small screen. Just as he is on the mic in the wring. Now there is a scene at the end of the movie with Christian fighting a Demon fighting babe. That needs mention as if you are wrestling fan you will see what happens and it will instantly get a rewind just to see it happen again and again.
As entertaining as all of that is. The rest of the plot is very straight forward. As it takes part of several movies. One being 'The Craft" that starred Fairuza Balk and Neve Campbell. As well as the aforementioned Evil Dead series. Which I found not only interesting but fun. The girls that open the portal are want a be witches and one of them has a gift. Just as in The Craft and like Evil Dead when the they read from the book they bring demons into the world. Instead of getting powers and wishes granted.
The rest of the plot is honestly garbage except for the back story of Princess Summer Vale (Brigette Kingsley). Who was captured as a child and brought up to fight the evil Killopoths. When she follows a demon into a portal and back into our world from the alternate dimension world. Now for the rest of the plot it deals with Jason (Landy Cannon) who won't let go of his childhood love for his now Ex Jasmine (Vanessa James) who also happens to be a Lesbian now.
Which does so comedic value to the movie. But it is mostly used to showcase her breasts and Marlene's (Haley Shannon) off as sex symbols. Which is nothing more than two to three fleeting moments for a teenager to spank bank and move on. So it honestly brought nothing to the movie other than a few funny scenes and one of the funniest lines in the movie. Which also happens at the end when Princess and Renee (Julia Schneider) go back and forth about them.
All the while this movie keeps up its ruse and comedic flair of a modern adaptation of Evil Dead. Especially with the creature in the movie. That is is so silly that it looks like it was pulled from several costumes in Halloween catalog and then spliced together to make it more menacing than what it really is. So what screen time this Demon/Creature have are small and short and often just to funny to not enjoy. As you can tell they where trying and it pays off in the end.
Overall this is a decently good horror comedy and is defiantly worth watching. Especially now that is has a TV series and a second movie coming out this year. Sadly Jason Ruso (Christian) was written out of the script at the last minute and as sad as that it is. I still look forward to ongoing adventures of Jason and Summer.
My Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Director: Antoine Bloissier
Writer(s): Antoine Bloissier, Eric Vogel
Cast: Grégoire Colin, François Levantal, Isabella Renauld
Rotten Tomatoes: 21% Audience
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
"Prey" is one strange beast of a movie. It is part thriller, part horror and part animal feature. But what is not is boring or slow. It simply is one of the best creature features I have seen in years. As the movie opens with a scene of a group of deer's who had been startled and run into a electric fence. When the farmer goes to check the deer he finds a boars tusk in the side of one of deer's and that set's in action of the family of farmers going out to hunt the boars and put an end to creatures.
All while this is going on Nathan (Grégoire Colin) giving a physical to the Patriarch of the family and grandfather of his wife. When he discovers that he has chemical burns and neither of them know how he got it. After this scene Nathan, Nicolas, Eric and David set out to the woods to put an end to the boars that are attacking the wildlife. Only find that the boars have gone mad and that the lake in the middle of the forest had become tainted with the chemicals in the fertilizer that the family has been making.
Which set's off the rest of the movie as they go from being the hunters to the hunted as the boar pack sets out to kill maim and destroy the men. Which in turn they turn on each other an all ultimately perish at either the boars tusks or by each others own hands. Leaving just Nathan left who is killed by Claire who is Nicolas daughter at the end of the movie who chose to not help Nathan as he bleed out. Because she figured out that he killed her father.
This gritty story was not only compelling it was amazingly fun to watch. As the bumps in the movie where not preceded by music. They just happened and at times that you often did not see coming. Which was nice and fun. Also the basic human nature of we are the top of the food chain and nothing can top us. Is in full force here and when it flips on the men. Their carnal nature to survive is put in play as it is who ever is the smartest, youngest or strongest will survive.
Which is very impressive as I can honestly see this happening. Where you have to choose who dies and who lives and all you care about is getting yourself out in the end. For the rest of the picture it is extremely well done. From music, to art to effects it is believable, gritty and amazing. Especially if you are a person who enjoys gritty horror films. Not only will this fill that need it pleases the senses of blood, terror and gore.
Just not to the excessive nature that some Hollywood movies go to. It just covers what is needed and it is a lot. The one thing that I will say is that some might not like this movie. All because it is a French movie but please do not discredit the French here this deserves to be seen by all horror fans and creature feature enthusiasts. That is just my opinion and would love to hear yours in the comments below.
My Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
Friday, June 24, 2011
Director: Brad Anderson
Writer: Anthony Jaswinski
Cast: Hayden Christensen, John Leguizamo, Thandie Newton
Rotten Tomatoes: 51% Critics 21% Audience
Netflix: 2.9 Stars
Vanishing on 7th Street is a post-apocalyptic film about the world disappearing into the shadows. As tantalizing as this sounds it is a lethargically slow movie. Filled with so many goofs that it is borderline hilarious as it tries to be scary. Instead what we are left with is a movie that makes you ask "Why?" a thousand times over as it explains nothing what so ever.
So here are the fallacies of this movie. Number one the generator is not ventilated and yet the entire cast seems to not being asphyxiated being near it. Nor do they seem to mind the noise that it puts out which is not a normal amount for a generator as it sounds like a gentle purring car. Instead of the big hunking beast that it is. Second the movies play on light is wonderful if it brought horror and suspense into the movie. Which it doesn't at all.
Each scene that where you think they will go poof. You are left going well this is boring and then you yawn. As you can see where it is going ultimately which leads to more questions of "Why?" as each cast member is taken in ways that you just see coming. Rosemary is missing her kid and wants him back. So when she hears a baby crying she runs to it and goes poof. Paul had a concussion and falls to sleep and goes poof.
Luke thinks about only himself and when he acts out as a hero he goes poof. The only ones not to go poof are the two kids. Both of which have little to do with the story. James has the most as he is introduced and has several speaking parts. As his mother was the bartender at the bar that they all come to. While the little girl is like an enigma as she stays at the church and has the only working light in the world it seems.
Which is solar powered so as long as their is sun it works. Which leads to another problem. How did this come to be? What happens on a cloudy day? What happens when it rains? Yea real nice closure as any one with half a brain will see that the kids will die on one of those at mentioned days. Sadly I do not think Anthony Jaswinski thought about that when he wrote this movie.
Outside of all of those complaints this is a palatable movie that is enjoyable. As it is enjoyable and entertaining despite all of its faults. Which is all you can ask for in a movie.
My Rating: 2.25 out of 5 Stars
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Director: Glen Pitre
Writer(s) Chuck Walker, Glen Pitre
Cast: Eric Braeden, Billy Zane, George Kennedy
Rotten Tomatoes: 19% Audience
Netflix: 3.1 Stars
I am officially making this claim. Chuck Walker is the Ed Wood of modern westerns. They are overly bad that they stand out for the horrible nature and not their stories. Now on to the review. "The Man Who Came Back" is a revenge western where a man is framed, has his family killed and then comes back and kills all that is involved and eventually dies at the end.
This story has been told countless times and it is a traditional standard for Westerns. Which I have no qualms with but what I do have qualms with is presentation, acting, action and how the movie is portrayed. All of which in this movies case feels and flows more like a Day Time Soap Opera instead of a gun-slinging action movie that it is portrayed as. A majority of that can be accredited to Eric Braeden (The Young and the Restless) being the main star of the movie.
With his age and his lack of physical prowess he came across as a geriatric Jesse James. That had to lube his bones in order to do anything. He is slow, lethargic and undersells everything especially the fights. That are epic in nature for how awful they really are. Take one of the opening scenes as the camera has to switch back and forth to sell a fight that looks like two men rolling around kissing each other.
But it is supposed to be a giant fist fight and all it does sell is how cheesy the movie is. Which from this point it just got worse. As the acting degraded and so did the action. As with each passing scene you can tell the actors just don't care anymore and want to collect their checks. Which can be said of most of all Chuck Walker's movies. They start of moderate to strong and end with such a thud it sounds like a whisper.
Thankfully there is only I believe two more of his films I might have to see. One releases this summer and the other I will hopefully not find on my cue. I am not saying these are not watchable. Because they are. What I am saying is that as far as westerns go these are travesties to the name Western. As they sell the lowest value and make you pay the highest premium for the movie. As the list price for most of these movies are $24.99 to $39.99 and honestly that is highway robbery at its finest.
It is also just a warning about how bad these films are. As they bump up the price in hopes of making a profit on a low budget film that has no real story, characters or action. But make you believe that they have all of that and more. So just be warned these movies are out there and the producers and directors just want one thing your money. So speak with that and skip these movies and enjoy a nice extra large tub of popcorn at your local cinema.
My Rating 1.5 stars out of 5
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Director: John Krasinski
Writer(s): John Kransinski, David Foster Wallace
Cast: John Kransinski, Timothy Hutton
Rotten Tomatoes: 40% Critics 32% Audience
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
Today marked a monumental moment in my reviewing career. I saw my first IFC feature film and I was greatly impressed. Not only was "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" charming and entertaining. It was eye opening and heartfelt as it opened up love and all the fallacies both men and women face in finding Mr. Right and Ms. Right.
It is this carnal nature that drives this movie. As it strips away all that is decent and sweet and shows the lowest nature of humanity. It is this kind of raw power that makes me smile as I saw classic stereotypes played out in a wonderful fashion. As these men gave up their shields and stood emotionally naked in front of the camera and told their stories. But this was no documentary this was a full fledged movie based on the wonderful book by the late David Foster Wallace (1962-2008).
The book and movie deals with a woman who wants to see how the feminist movement affected men and how it changed them. With this in place we see how these men feel and how life around them is altered as they each have chinks in their armor. One has issues with commitment, another chooses never to wear white, another is all about pleasing the woman and getting nothing in return. Plus a myriad of other's that are just as memorable as these men.
While all of this going on there is the other story of Sara Quinn who is trying to come to terms with her ex-boyfriends cheating and finding out why men things do things like that. Her struggles and her scientific approach to not only her problem but figuring out men is the central catalyst of the film. As each goes hand in hand in a magical and very entertaining way. I would also venture to say in a very en-lighting manor as well.
As I learned things not only about myself but a little more about men. As I know men who are just like the ones in this film. With this new knowledge I do hope I can help some of my friends or at the very least sit them down to watch this movie. So that they can learn a small bit about themselves as this is not just a smart comedy it is a teaching tool for the hapless distraught and lost.
Yet there are some problems with the movie. Most notably are the some of the actors in the interviews. Some are completely believable and others are just hideous and are noticeably acting or trying to. Thankfully it is not enough to ruin this movie. Especially with the cast of TV actors and mid-range stars in this movie. Here is a list of who either make cameos or main stays through out this movie.
Timothy Hutton, Will Arnett, Will Forte, John Kransinski, and Christopher Meloni. There are others as well that I recognized and acknowledge but these are the main ones people will know. Be it from the Office (Kransinski), Law and Order: SVU (Meloni) or Leverage (Hutton). While Forte and Arnett are now household names due to their comedic prowess. With a cast like this and a beautiful and heart touching movie like this one is.
You can not go wrong at all. I am proud to state that if all IFC films are anywhere close to this one. I am will have a heyday in watching them. Unlike SyFy whose films are just plain horrible. This one at least is surely memorable and one I plan on watching again. Much kudos goes out to John Kransinski for directing this movie and adapting the book into a movie.
You have proved to me that you are more than just a wonderful actor. But a true talent that has a extremely high ceiling. So thank you for a great movie and enjoyable experience.
My Rating 4 out of 5 Stars
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Director: Bill Zebub
Writer: Bill Zebub
Cast: Bill Zebub
Rotten Tomatoes: 38% Audience
Netflix: 2 Stars
*Warning!! Foul language!!! Warning!!*
I want to open with this statement. I found the 10th level of Hell today and it's called "Kill the Scream Queen". This film is a sadistic porn, snuff film that makes all other shit films seem like Masterpieces." Now on to the fucking review. Yeah a review of a movie that isn't a movie. Fucking wonderful it is like saying that a dog turd is a tootsie roll you just can't do that. Nor can I honestly review a movie that isn't a fucking movie.
All it is a series of vignettes that shows a serial killer killing and torturing his victims. That he calls talent less whores that should be nothing but body doubles in movies. All the while he keeps up adds around town so that more unsuspecting girls find their way into his clutches to die. Yea great fucking story arc fucktard. I am so pissed I watched this right now. Honestly beyond pissed as it ruined a great morning by its fucking taint. Seriously folks I can not say how much I detested this fucking pile of crap.
As words fail me at the moment let's just continue. The film is shot with multiple cameras and is supposed to be focused on the gritty handheld nature of snuff films. That shows how dirty and scary horror can be. As it uses death and torture as a device to install fear into the viewers and into the victims. This movie did neither of those. Instead is chose to stick to the fucking nature of a bad porno. As the killer had to get his dick wet with every girl and constantly finger bang each one then taste his fucking fingers.
Oh fucking joy! I am watching a cheap BDSM porno with horrible acting and no fucking plot yet again! I do not even enjoy this kind of shit in the fucking bedroom or on my tv. Yet here I am watching a fucking film for my review blog. That I fucking finished because I can not let a movie beat me. Yea this challenge to myself about never walking out of a movie is killing me so very slowly. So fucking slowly! This one just helped me into my coffin a little sooner.
As i felt physically ill after watching it. No not because the movie made me sick. Because I was scrunched over into a ball telling myself. "I must finish this movie! I know it sucks and it is horrible!" I can not let the movie win!" So when you put yourself into the state of fuck my life mode like I did. You will end up in the same boat I did and it is not a pretty picture to the say the least.
All the same this movie will do this to most of the viewing public. Then there are the sicko's and torture and bondage nuts. That will get instant wood and sopping wet panties from this movie. Thankfully those people are just touched enough in the head to go this is amazing and keep this movie from hitting the lowest of low levels on IMDb. Because they will hit this movie up as a 10/10 on the meter and then there are people like me who go 1/10 and wishing for a negative counter on the rating meter.
Which for me there is not. So fucking sad! Yea real fucking sad! Now if you are in the market for a horrible fuck film that loves to torture and are into bad acting, music and audio work. This movie is up your fucking alley and you can watch and enjoy it all you fucking want. But I am done with this and done with this review. I am so over this as I go and kill Guardians in Rift: Planes of Telara I so need this right now. Just ya have a nice day folks and fuck this God damn movie!
Rating: NEGATIVE INFINITE out of 5 (Yes that is number 2 on this list of negative infinite! The other being Skeleton Key 2)
No trailer available
Monday, June 20, 2011
Director: Jalal Merhi
Writer: Glen G. Doyle
Cast: Olivier Gruner, Jalal Merhi, Lorenzo Lamas
Rotten Tomatoes: 0% Audience
Netflix: 2.6 Stars
The Circuit 2: The Final Punch is a standard generic fighting film. Whether there is a pit fighting tournament, or underground fight scene or prison fights. Either which way you go it is the same movie with subtle changes to the plot. This one has a guy faking his way into prison to beat up the man who tried to kill his wife. Outside of that one plot point it is as generic as they come.
As you have the overlord of the entire thing, you have the large villain that never loses and the token sidekick that dies at the end. All the while you wish for all the talking to end and just to get back to the fights. As the acting usually is so terrible that it grates on your nerves. Sadly this movie is no different in that regard. Sadly the fights do nothing but make you wish to turn it off.
As they are poorly shot and are so over the top cheesy. That they make you wince in agony at the whiffs and slip ups. The final battle at the end of the movie is a prime example as you see the two finally getting to go one on one. Only for them to be whiffing as the camera blinks and you see the guy fall. This type of directing and editing is down right atrocious and deserves mentioning. As it takes away from what the film had built up.
Which wasn't much to begin with honestly. As the movie leaves to many plot holes. Like did the girlfriend die? Did the Warden get away? Was Pike the main villain killed? None of those get answered and it leaves you feeling rather disappointed and upset as these where all main story arcs that have no closure what so ever. It is also the reason that most people will have content against this film as it fails to deliver anything worth viewing outside of an occasional decent fight scene.
Which is so fleeting that is best to cue up street fights on Youtube as they will be a lot more entertaining than this movie can ever be.
My Rating 1.75 out of 5 Stars
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Director(s): Dave Allen, Charles Band, John Carl Buechler, Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian,
Ted Nicolaou, Rosemarie Turko
Writer(s): Charles Band, Allen Actor, Rosemarie Turko, John Carl Buechler, Dave Allen
Jeffrey Byron, Peter Manoogian, Ted Nicolau
Cast: Jeffrey Byron, Richard Moll, Leslie Wing
Rotten Tomatoes: 23% Audience
Netflix: 2.4 Stars
A movie of two names, eight writers and seven directors. With stats like those you can only hope for the worst and totally expect for the best. Wait I think I got that backwards! Hope for the best and expect the worst. Either which way you go on that sentence you end up with the same conclusion. That this movie is so bad it is an awesome failure.
I do not think I have enjoyed watching a train wreck happen more than I did watching this. As the plot is so silly and goofy that it is none existent. Hell the plot is Satan vs a human in a game of wills and tests. That is it other than that this movie has no continuity what so ever. As it plays as a bad version of "Stay Tuned!" that came out years later. With Satan controlling television and if you die in the TV you die in the real world and your soul becomes part of Satan's collection.
This one you fail a challenge and your soul is taken and your mates as well. So it is far from a stretch and is just goofy enough that it makes you smile and laugh like a school girl. As you see the funny effects, hilarious puppets and awful make up effects. Which are up there with some of the best b-films in the history of movies. They are fun and cheesy at the extent of the movie itself.
Take the small demon in the "Demons of the Dead" segment. It is so poorly done that you can see the arm moving inside it as it the puppeteer tries to maneuver the mouth of the poor thing. It is moments like these that make movies like this one priceless. It is also why I love this movie as it is B-Film magic at it's finest.
I know what you are thinking an awful movie that I love. So I just have to say everyone falls in love with the ugly guy and fat chick at least once. So give me a break I fell in love with the ugly boy in the room. Because he made me laugh and feel good about myself. So it is not love at first sight it is love at first laugh as he kept me going from beginning to end.
My Rating: 2.75 stars out of 5 stars
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Director: Doug Lefler
Writer(s): Patrick Read Johnson, Charles Edward Pogue, Shari Goodhartz
Cast: Christopher Masterson, Harry Von Gorkum, Rona Figueroa
Rotten Tomatoes: 52% Audience
IMDb: 4.5/10 Stars
Netflix: 3.4 Stars
Adorable, cute, funny, silly and magical. That is how I describe Dragonheart: A New Beginning. Not only did this whimsical tale captivate me it pulled me in and had me fall in love with Drake the Dragon and Geoff (pronounced Joff). Both of which where growing and becoming what they where which is heroes.
Their trials where not with out pitfalls and side splitting hilarious moments. One in particular had me crying I was laughing so hard. All I will say teaching I dragon how to blow fire could not have been more comical than this. The other is teaching a dragon to blow ice. Both of these scenes have comedic timing that are so perfect that you can not do anything but laugh.
Still this movie is not a comedy it is a fantasy adventure movie that settles into the mythos of its predecessor beautifully. That being Dragonheart that was directed by Rob Cohen and starring Sean Connery and Dennis Quaid that came out in 1996. Which is also one of my favorite fantasy movies of all time. So for me to speak highly of this movie shows that they did do something right.
Sadly not all is right with this movie. As their are scenes of horrible acting often by the non main cast. With exception of one scene with Master Kwan (Henry O) where he couldn't get out his lines as he stutters over them. Other than that one scene the movie was wonderful and I just will add in vastly superior to anything that The Asylum and SyFy Pictures ever puts out.
That is including the special effects and CGI in the movie. Which is amazingly done with a high end standard that makes a lot of modern tv shows and movies jealous. As Drake is fully articulate and is believable through out. With exception to a few scenes here and there. But that is just being nit picky and as a whole this movie is moving touching and great.
It is also just a wonderful movie to watch with your kids, or if you just love fantasy movies in general. As it teaches morals, values and the true meaning of friendship. That and you can not beat a movie with an awesome dragon in it.
My Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
Friday, June 17, 2011
Director: Chris Seaver
Writer: Chris Seaver
Cast: Meredith Host, Kurt Indovina
Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience
Netflix: 1.5 Stars
Thinking back to the first day I started my grand adventure. I had high hopes and lofty dreams. Of watching great movies and finding some hidden gems. With occasional bad movies along the way. What I was not expecting are movies that borderline on mental torture and abuse. Sadly that is what this has become torture and not so much fun kind of torture.
Take this recent movie. Which goes into the Pits of Hell and finds the worst writing, directing and cast possible. Then makes a spoof on Twilight. Which is a book and movie series I do love. But I do just want to say that is not going to cloud my judgement of this movie. Taintlight takes the first movie of the Twilight series and turns it upside down and then dunks it in the toilet for a chocolate swirly.
Then after that is down they go in for a second dip just to be safe. It is just a putrid movie filled with incest, glittering boners that shoot out bubbles and a Michael Jackson dancing werewolf.As bad as all of these are they can not top the horrible acting in this movie. That ranks up there with the worst of all time. We are talking nearing Skeleton Key 2 bad.
Hell this entire movie ranks up with Skeleton Key 2 on crappiness. As they are both written to be horrible and the reason this is not close to Skeleton Key 2. Is it is only an hour long and it is a painful hour to say the least. With one wonderful cock bubble scene that actually made me laugh so hard my cat freaked out. As it is so unexpected and outlandish it is all you can do.
Outside of that one highlight there is nothing else here. Now for all the wrongs in this movie. Fake mustaches, glued on hair, cock bubbles, Mime driving, horrible acting, father jerking off over his daughter, constant talk of periods and stereotypes. That right there is your plot. I know what you are thinking wait that can't be the plot! I wish I could tell you I was kidding but I wouldn't be.
Because that is everything in this movie. There is nothing else. There is the mock of Twilight but it is so hidden under all of that crap listed. That you never get into the story. Which is just a loose interpretation of the Bella and Edward love triangle from the first movie and book. With obvious name changes in this one. Stella, Edgar and Jack. Just so they don't get in trouble you know.
Even as a satire this movie is not worth anyone's time. If anything this should be shown to film students as a teaching tool on how to no make a satire. As it fails on delivering any of what the original good. It is this kind of low budget crap that gives B-Films such a bad name and I just wish I could rid them off the face of the planet. As they are bad for filmmakers, bad for audiences and most importantly bad for the actors involved.
My Rating Negative -2 out of 5 Stars
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Director: Christopher Ray
Writer: Erik Estenberg
Cast: Kevin Nash, Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez
Rotten Tomatoes: 5%
Netflix: 2.2 Stars
The Almighty Bore is such a wonderful movie. It has all the loving care that you expect from a wonderful movie company. As they gleefully follow the cannon of a character and put out a wonderful and great movie. WRONG!!! The Asylum is none of that and this just like so many other of their failures is a perfect reason why they should be put out of business.
Over this 100+ reviews I have reviewed 12 over their movies including this one. Of all of them I have enjoyed three. Paranormal Entity, Moby Dick: 2010 and The Land that Time Forgot. Three out of twelve is a horrible number and I know I might be missing a few. But I do not want to go back and count. So what makes these movies as bad as they are?
Sadly it is all to simple. Acting, writing, graphics and directing. You can tell these are all shot on a short budget and put into the can as fast as possible. With terrifying results as the actors stumble over their lines, the extras act as if the are not worried and my favorites are seeing people walking into the shot and stopping. Then gawking that they see a camera and people dressed up in funny costumes.
Which happened all to often in Thor the Almighty. One in particular that comes to mind is a lady with her child that turns a corner on her cellphone and then stops. Then continues walking into a store only to flip back around and peek at what is going on. It was downright hilarious as it was not scripted and it just showed that humanity is doing what it does best and that is to be curious.
It is also the lone highlight of the movie for me. As the rest falls into the why am I watching this crap again. Now where to begin? Let's go with the plot of the movie. Loki wants the Hammer of Invincibility and comes up from the depths of Hell to get it. So he sends out his demon dogs to destroy and raid Valhalla. While Odin is called to go see the Mystics who tell him to hand over the Hammer.
Which he doesn't and his killed by Loki. But before dying he sends the hammer to the Tree of Life. Where Thor has to go and retrieve it. Only to lose it Loki and get sent to Hell himself. Where he creates his own hammer and destroys Loki bring peace again to the world. So what is wrong with this set up? Everything is wrong with it. As they never mentioned Odin's Hammer which is what Thor is known for. Secondly Odin is a God and is not easily slain by a sword.
Third Thor is not a whiny little cry baby who looks lost all the time. He is the God of Thunder and is awesome. Which is far from in this movie. He is more like the spoiled kid who didn't get his pudding cup in his lunch and then cries to himself in the corner. As his friends console him. Which leads me to this. I never thought anyone in their right mind would castrate Thor and yet The Asylum and SyFy pictures did.
He is no longer a man in their eyes but a mere Eunuch that is wimpy, pathetic boy who tries to be a man and the new King of Valhalla. Which he isn't. Now for the direction I went over this at the top. So it is really not worth mentioning anymore. Now for the graphics. I will say for a made for TV movie they are fair at best. That is if you lack a sense of realism as they look like they where pulled out of a first generation XBOX game.
With all of that done it leads the most heinous of them all. That is the acting. From the start there is no hope as Richard Grieco only makes bad movies, Kevin Nash is just a wrestler, and Cody Deal was brought in for his muscles and not his talent in acting. Even the usually decent Patricia Velasquez has a hard time with acting in this movie as the script just screams to be used as toilet paper.
Even then I am afraid it would give me paper cuts and then clog my toilet. All because of its taint. As a whole this movie is a mess and one that no one should have to endure. Especially since people will assume that it is the Marvel film Thor. Which this movie is modeled after badly. If you have doubts on the legitimacy of a movie or are just ill informed please do yourself a favor before buying or seeing these movies.
Use IMDb and the internet and find out for yourselves on these movies. Maybe call a friend who loves movies and they will guide you to a better promised land. I say that because I believe that The Asylum should be stopped and innocent people should no longer be punished and hurt for these movies. It is my cause and it is my plight as I will review every one of their movies before the year is out.
My Rating .25 out of 5 Stars
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Director: Peter Maris
Writer(s): Peter Kotis (Novel), Craig Rand
Cast: Deborah Rennard, Garrick Dowhen, Daniel Radell
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Audience
Netflix: 2.1 Stars
Land of Doom bleh more like Land of Leather or a better fitting name Land of Bore. It is a sad when I have to refer to a movie about post-apocalyptic events as a boring and sleep inducing film. But that is what this film did to me. It was slow, lethargic and full of hopeless nothingness that I felt I was watching a bad BDSM group who decided to make a movie.
Either which way you look at this paper thin plot it just sucks and it sucks bad. It is not so terrible you run away screaming. It is that kind of bad that it is a Saturday afternoon feature on your local television channel bad. You know those spots reserved for cheesy action films that you can troll past watch for a minute or two then go back to your sporting events type.
Because you can leave the movie and come back and still know what is happening. Because nothing really is as they just follow a paint by numbers script till it works itself out in the end. Yea got to love those type of God forsaken films. Because you know everyone loves them! Yea what ever. Land of Doom has a great name awesome box art and possibly the worst design team in the history of movies.
I would say that is the most heinous thing about this movie. As it takes the 80's punk movement to a level only enjoyed at your local Mistresses house as she binds you in leather straps and then whips you for being bad. It is those kind of people that will enjoy this movie as they get their jollies off seeing all the leather, chains, whips and beating of women and men.
Top it off you have the cardboard, particle board and cut aluminum on the bikes. That look so cheap and cheesy. That all you can do is laugh at how bad it is. Especially since this movie is just a watered down crapfest of the vastly superior movie Mad Max. It literally steals from the both Mad Max and Mad Max 2. As key characters and story lines are ripped from it.
It is almost as if this was a Mockbuster before they became popular. At which this movie is still a steaming pile of yeah. I wish I had something nice to say about this movie. I honestly wish I did. It just that when a story is this flimsy you can not find hope in it. So here is the synopsis of the movie.
"A feminist warrior is forced to join with a Soldier of Fortune in order to find "Paradise" in a post-apocalyptic world. As they battle motorcycle bandits and wayward souls." Yep this sounds so enticing. So let me check on when I have my next dentist appointment. Well it looks like it is right now.
So if you enjoy bad movies and are looking for a film to pop in and just have fun with. That is if you are into sadomasochism and BDSM bondage. Then this might be your next feature film to enjoy. If you are like me and do not enjoy leather bound actors who can not act. Sets made of cardboard and heartless soulless characters then you should do yourself a favor and just skip this atrocity.
My Rating: 1.25 out of 5 Stars
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Director: Mario Orfini
Writer(s): Mario Orfini, Lidia Ravera
Cast: Trudie Styler, Gregg Henry, Bill Moseley
Rotten Tomatoes: 5% Audience
Netflix: 2.2 Stars
I have a thing for movies that have two titles. That thing is I generally despise them greatly or just find them mildly annoying. Mamba (Fair Game) is just annoying. It is a over bloated mess of a movie that deserves mentioning with some of the dumbest horror movies of all time. Which does not say much for the movie and once you read this plot you will understand why.
"Gene, a clever but seriously deranged computer-game designer, has been left by his fiancée Eva. Unable to win her back, he decides to take revenge by locking Eva in her new apartment, inside which he has released a deadly mamba snake"
With a plot like that you just have to ask yourself how can they make an hour and twenty long movie out of this? I am just going to answer that. They didn't! As this movie falls into the pitfalls of low budget, bad writing and horrible directing. As the snake is everywhere and I mean everywhere as it beats the main lead to every place no matter where she left it. Which leads to some of the funniest moments in the movie as you have what I call slither cam and you see the cameraman running with the camera across the floor while shooting.
Others you have microphones that come in and out of frame. With the best one being in the forty-sixth minute of the movie. That had me stop and rewind three times. As I couldn't stop laughing. It is these type of mistakes that make up for how bad the script is. Even through all this crap there is one bright shining light and that is the acting of Trudie Styler. Who is probably most famous for being married to Sting and introducing Madonna to Guy Ritchie. As well as being the Godmother to Madonna's son Rocco.
Trudie's acting was enjoyable, fun and entertaining. As she was having fun and being a carefree artist which she is. So it was not a stretch for her at all. Once you look past her at the other two actors you pray for them to leave the screen as quick as possible. I say that with tongue in cheek as Bill Moseley is in the movie all of five minutes before being killed by Gene played by Gregg Henry.
Who is the biggest loaf of this film. The other two do their jobs and do them well. Gregg on the other hand is terrible as his brooding demeanor and over bearing persona soils everything that is being said. As he takes it to far and has no sense of making this character his own. Which Bill and Trudie both did. As each one took a poorly written character and had fun. Then I do have this say if I had the roll that was given to Gregg I would probably struggle as well.
As he is as blank as a piece of white paper and just as shallow as well. He is the only one of the three characters in the movie who has nothing of value. As he is just the villain who dies in the end under such scripted circumstances that you see it coming twenty minutes into the movie. As Trudie's character Eva say's to the camera in no exact words. That you can never lose and you always have to find a way to win.
It is that line that sets up the end of the movie. As the mamba fails to kill Eva and ultimately kills Gene. It is simple it is stupid and it is just plain boring. At the same time there are some out there that will find this movie entertaining, enjoyable and will fall for it. I am none of those. I found it as I have described just bland and boring. The moments of suspense are set stage pieces with no value and the snake is a plain Black Racer and not a mamba as they make you to believe.
Hell the snake at the start of the movie is a third of the size of the snake that ends up in the house. Which makes it even funnier. That is if you paid attention through out. Sadly most of you won't as you are laughing to hard and how over the top stupid this movie is. Which I did on more than one occasion and I see this as a comedy of failures and not a suspense horror that it bills itself as.
My Rating 2.25 stars out of 5
I apologize about the trailer it was the only one on Youtube.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Director: Shane Van Dyke
Writer: Shane Van Dyke
Cast: Shane Van Dyke, Erin Marie Hogan, Fia Perera
Rotten Tomatoes: 28% Audience
Netflix: 3 Stars
Anything attached to The Asylum and their "Mockbuster" line usually is horrid. Which is an assumption I have to eat. As I actually enjoyed this movie. It wasn't the greatest horror movie nor was it overly haunting. What it did have instead was just enough of an edge that made it entertaining.
Not to say that it had it's flaws. Which it did as the effects and the horror itself border lined on overly campy and extremely predictable if you are a fan of Horror movies. If you are not this movie might scare the crap out of you. Which it did not for me as I have been through "Paranormal Activity" and its amazing intense horror. So anything else is sorta blah-say. Which is not a knock at The Asylum or "Paranormal Entity".
It is just that bar has risen and this movie falls well short of it. Just not enough for a fan of horror movies to completely miss or discredit. Which is a huge kudos for a company that makes satires of established franchises. That often end up being total crap. Sadly this movie is just an enigma in the The Asylum production line.
As this movie mocks a independent low budget film. Which makes making a mockbuster that much easier. Which is sad as I could hold out hope that maybe just maybe they can make good films. But those hopes are like hoping that I win the Lottery. Which will never happen and occasionally I will win a scratch off and that is the kind of feeling I have with this movie.
It is a fleeting moment not worth mentioning as the whole of the company is horrible. But this is worth the scratching and enjoying at least for an afternoon. Just do not expect this kind of movie to come from "The Asylum" all to often. So enjoy them as they come.
My Rating 3 out 5 Stars
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Director(s): Mike DeVito, Jaime Norton
Writer(s): Peter Hunziker, Cynthia Riddle
Cast: Lynne Lambert, Kelli Rabke, Fred Newman, Tom Pakulski
Rotten Tomatoes: n/a
IMDb: n/a (Will be adding tomorrow to the IMDb Database)
Netflix: 2.8 Stars
The Hidden Treasure of Wompkee (Whomp-Key) Village is the sequel to the 2003 film "A Very Wompkee Christmas". Seeing as I knew nothing of the first one it gives me a movie to watch later in the year during the month of Christmas. As such I went into this movie with no thoughts other than what is a Wompkee. That loan question is still lingering.
But not in the way it originally was. They are a cross between a Butterfly, an Elf, Smurfs and a Koala? Just because they are cute and fuzzy as one. The ears look like butterflies they have eye's and care of the forest like elves and love Wompkee Berries. Which in my mind makes them just like Smurfs who love Smurf berries. That and I just want to talk about the Smurfs as they are the closest correlation to this movie.
As just like the Smurfs you have the archetypes of brainy, cute, strong, elderly plus wise and silly. All of which work out wonderfully in children s books and movies. Even movies like The Land Before Time used this formula minus the elderly influence. Which is completely understandable and has a proven track record. Now where my problem lied in is the story and how they jumped in as if no one had missed the first movie.
Which as I had not seen it made for a very confusing moment as they introduced a puddle of water with a face. Then nothing for ten minutes or so then we get a slight montage of what happened. Which they did through out in vignettes which eventually hashed out the story of who and what the puddle is. Outside of that the movie played out like a very long Smurfs cartoon.
Where the message is do your work first then you can go play and search for treasure. Which is something I expect more from a Saturday morning cartoon than a feature length film. Yet I can not hold that against this at all as it is made for children 2 to 7 years old and its soft story, bright colors, cute characters and lovable approach. Will engulf most children especially young girls as they will be drawn to the cuteness and cuddliness of the Wompkees.
For what this is worth? It is a wonderful family movie that is light on story and on time. As it clocks in at a little under an hour and is a great movie to pop in for the kiddos before bedtime. As the music, story and themes will bring happy thoughts and vivid and fun dreams for your children. It also will teach them life lessons that are needed to survive in a gentle and loving way.
It is because of this that I really enjoyed the movie. As it told a story and told it with elegance and love. Yet never insulted the viewers by dumbing it down. But by choosing to just keep it simple where both parents and children can find some enjoyment in Wompkee Wood.
My Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Director: Dale Stelly
Writer(s): Dale Stelly, Carl Washington
Cast: Dale Stelly, Sid Burston, Saafir
Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Audience
Netflix: 2.2 Stars
There are movies then there are things that are just abominations that do not classify as movies. This is the latter of the two. As it is one third of a movie shot with a single handy cam and then sold as a real movie. This type of film making makes people scream and bitch then turn to their friends and say "Hey I have this great movie let's watch it!"
As their friends sit down to watch this the devil inside comes out and they laugh inside as the torture is about to begin. Then as the movie progresses and their friend reaches for the nearest sharp object to stick in their temple. The laughter erupts and they tell them to do it as their master plan of ruining their friends life is there. Which is all this movie is worth and even then it is not worth that as Skeleton Key 2 has this one beat on the total shit meter.
Which does not say much as shit movies are shit movies and they just suck to watch. This one is a special kind of shit movie. As it uses Jesus, The Devil, The Angel Israel and four pathetic souls as pawns. Yea so here is the story The Devil makes a bet with Jesus that all the souls that he touches during the day will ultimately end up in Hell. Which Jesus does not take up the bet which did not stop the Devil as he goes out and makes the people do evil deeds.
As each of them dies the Angel Israel shows up and talks to the corpse then takes them into Limbo. Then while in Limbo he tells them to repent. As each one repents they are sent back to moments to a few hours before they did their ultimate evil deed. To relive the moment and follow in the ways of Jesus. Which honestly as stupid as Hell. Yea they are dead and they come back with no memory but they show all that they did the first time as their memories.
Which makes no sense. But the worst is that you see everything in the first half then you see it all over again in the second half as it repeats itself. As if the first play through was not painful enough with the shit script and fucked int he head acting. We get a double dose of crap. Then we get a triple dose as they all talk about their exploits at the end. As they re-show the same again for a third time.
At this point you are wanting death as you can no longer tolerate the horribleness of the movie. Nor can you handle the fact that you have to watch the same scenes over and over and once again. Even looking at this movie as individual stories it would would be a good Youtube movie group. But as a independent feature that you want people to pay for or for people to watch on Netflix.
It is a utter slap in the face. Which I know they did not intend it to be as their closing statement in the scrolling text is a prayer to all that have lost loved ones to dire and unfortunate means. Even with that I can not say anything nice about this movie. As it is a insult to Christianity, movie making and anyone of faith in general. Which leaves it as a movie to avoid and not talk about.
My Rating: Negative -5 out of 5 Stars