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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Movie Review # 148 The Telling (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Nicholas Carpenter
Writer: Joe Lessard
Cast: Holly Madison, Christina Rosenberg, Nicola Zeoli

Rotten Tomatoes: 14% Audience Fresh
IMDb: 3.3/10
Netflix: 2.4 Stars


Everyone has their favorite types of horror movies. Be it the shock horror, the gross out, monster feature or as it is for me. The compilation horror feature movie. That has multiple stories wrapped around a central point. Some of the great ones include Creepshow, Trick 'R' Treat and Tales of the Hood. Then you have the ones that deserve mention not on merit or likability but on their total awful nature.

"The Telling" is one of those movies. As it's predictable nature it's overly bad acting and unlikable characters set it up for instant failure. But that is if you can get past the first fifteen to twenty minutes of the movie. Which is not only boring and slow. It just showcases a bunch of stuck up pretty late twenty to thirty year old women. Pretending to be college girls. Seriously some of the even have wrinkles. That say's something to the casting of this movie.

The only one's in this movie who are believable are the pledge girls. They look to be about the right age. While the rest of the cast is down right scary. It is as if they went down to the Hollywood Boulevard and petitioned the hookers on the street corner to sit in for real actresses. Which in all honesty I do not put it past them. As progressive scene in the movie just get's worse and worse. As each actress fails at making you believe in what is going on screen.

None more so than the torture scene in the second story that is down right awful. It is also the scene that sticks in my head the most. But it is far from the worst of the bunch and choosing a winning candidate from this movie is like picking a winning turd. You just do not want to. Because they all are turds and none deserve a blue ribbon. On the bright side this movie has some appeal to the under twenty demographic. As it is a bunch of pretty women dressed up as sluts.

So if anything a teenage boy will find it as a moderate spank bank film. While the young girls might find enjoyment of the sorority all being killed at the end. That is if you make it there. Which most people will not all because the stories inside the movie are full of stupidity and cliched crapiness that they just deserve to be mentioned. So here are the three stories. Story one is about a murdering doll. Story two is about Undead and their making of horror films for the Undead. Number three is a story of three stuck up bitches who end up being killed by a serial killer.

So there you go. Now you know the movie and if you can just skip it. Unless you're a teen boy who just needs to see pretty blondes with their tits hanging out. If not this movie is just not worth the time or effort to watch. If anything just Que up Trick 'R' Treat and watch that. As it is the same premise as this and done so much more care and love than this pathetic excuse of a movie.

My Rating 1 out of 5 Stars

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