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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Movie Review # 43 Sherlock Holmes (The Asylum) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Rachel Goldenberg
Writer: Paul Bales
Ben Syder
Gareth David-Lloyd
Dominic Keating

Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience
IMDb: 4.0/10
Netflix: 3.1 Stars

Again with The Asylum productions movies. I swear I am becoming a vast advocate against these Mockbusters. So here I am again loathing another movie and saying just how craptastic it is. So let's just get into in to it. Instead of focusing on me just hating these movies.

This fucked up version of Sherlock Holmes takes place in the 1882. Which is all fine and dandy except for the fact that this movie plays more like a bad episode of Dr. Who than a Sherlock Holmes movie teamed with an excerpt from Pirates of the Caribbean when the Kraken takes down the Black Pearl. This is all just the opening folks and it just gets dumber from here.

Alright so a Kraken type monster takes down a Royal ship carrying gold and jewels. Then no one believes a helmsmen as he talks about it. So cut to a few scenes later and the T-Rex shows up all 6 feet tall of him and he eats a young man for no reason and appears out of thin air. So Holmes goes to investigate and gets chased for a few minutes. Only for Watson and him to be split up and they end up in a watershed that is missing the pump. So Holmes deducts that the dinosaur was used to steal the pump and the kraken was used to steal the gold. So obviously they are connected.

Seriously!? What the fuck! But I am only half done here. Skip ahead a few scenes later and they are at a foundry and guess what shows up again. The T-Rex and this time he kills another person and can shoot fire out of his mouth! Yea! This just hit the shit sandwhiche wall and made a giant splatter across it. So instead of checking the hands of the guy Holmes again deducts from a stone which came from out of thin air. That the only place it could have come from was Hells Mouth so they are off yet again.

Now at Hells Mouth and to the castle Holmes breaks in and right after they do they follow foot steps. So yay! More Tom Foolery that we have to deal with. So they get caught in a trap Holmes breaks out and then they come upon the T-Rex and Kraken both standing still in a room. Yep they are not real and are animatronic. Who knew they had that kind of technology back then! Only in these writers minds thats who. I am just not done it gets fucking dumber.

As they are looking at the monsters you see a golden man. That looks like a Cyberman from Dr. Who and guess what he is just like one. Was once human and now is more machine than man. But here is the best part he is Sherlock Holmes brother and one who has never existed before! Named Thorpe Holmes. Damn if they wanted to fucking kill what they had they just did with this. Who the Hell is Thorpe Holmes?! So once that is shown Thorpe keeps calling Sherlock Robert.

So now they have gone and written more into Holmes that never existed. Yea Neo-Steam Punk meets Dr. Who as Sherlock Holmes. Once this the pleasantries are done. Holmes runs to stop his brother and is shot dead. Cut away as if it never happened and Dr. Watson is on a table being tortured as Thorpe show cases the woman that Dr. Watson has the hots for. Oh yea I forgot about that part Dr. Watson tries to go on a date with a woman from Hells Mouth who happens to be the mechincal maid of Thorpe Holmes.

Might as well add that in. So Thorpe admits that it is because of Lestrad that he is the way he is and sets up to frame Lestrad. As they the keep talking he shows a small bomb that he then puts in his maid. As they talk he plans out everything and sends her on her way. Then Thorpe jumps into a black Neo-Steam Punk Dragon and flies of with Lestrad in tow.

Cut a few scenes later and Holmes is alive and rescuing Watson and then they are off to stop everyone. Needless say this is how it ends so you do not have to watch it. Holmes shoots his brother, Watson stops the mechanical bitch and Lestrad takes all the credit. There you go a shit movie in a few paragraphs! So what about the actors and every thing else?

I will just start with the actors as the poor sap who took on the role of Sherlock Holmes in this movie committed career suicide. As Dr. Holmes is up there with Dr. Who and the Queen of England you just do not screw with them. Sadly this poor fellow did and as such. I see Ben Syder being blackballed and only given scripts for horrible B-Films for years to come. As he partook in this travesty of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's work.

Top it off he wasn't even a good Holmes. He was whiny, snotty and competely unlikable as the astute Dr. Holmes. Watson faired no better as he was more comic relief than anything. Thankfully Watson has been portrayed like this and this is not career suicide for Gareth David-Lloyd who is best known for his role as Ianto Jones in the hit British TV Series Torchwood. So he is safe for the most part. I do wonder though if he thought he was in a badly acted Dr. Who movie?

Eh who cares if he did or didn't none of the acting was good. Neither was the special effects. Including one that was stolen straight up from another Asylum movie. That being the T-Rex from the movie The Land that Time Forgot. Honestly I wish they had forgot they had this cached as a dinosaur, kraken and Sherlock Holmes does not mix. Then again Holmes having a brother who was never there is also fucking weird as well. Grr this is really giving me a severe migraine.

This movie is just complete crap and one that people will find enjoyment in as they drink. Just not if your a fan of Sherlock Holmes or Dr. Who as this movie will piss you right off. Which did for me. If you can avoid this completely. Both on the Sy-Fy channel, the dvd rack and the Netflix Cue. This movie is not worth your time, my time and especially the mediums it is housed on. It is simply just a pile of T-Rex shit stuffed in a kraken calamari served on a hot plate of bad Sherlock Holmes cum and piss. Fuck this movie I am going to go watch a real Sherlock Holmes now.

Rating: .5/5 Stars

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