Friday, June 3, 2011
Movie Review # 95 Alien Species (1996)
Director: Peter Maris
Writer: Nancy Newhauer
Cast: Charles Napier, Hoke Howell, David Homb
Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience
Netflix: 2.2 Stars
I have a phrase that one of my favorite Video Game Reviews likes to use to describe this movie. "This movie (Game) is a shit load of fuck!" That is the most descriptive and most telling truth to this movie. No it is not politically correct nor is it social correct. I just do not care honestly as I have possible been assaulted visually and am in need of a Doctor and a Forensic Scientist. As I feel I was just mentally, and visually raped by this horrible movie.
Which says a tremendous amount about how sucky this movie is. As I feel the need to say that I feel the way I do. I feel this even more so for the great actor Charles Napier who signed on to be in this movie. As he is one of the most visually striking and auditory actors of his generation. Who has had screen stealing roles in movies like Rambo, The Blues Brothers and Austin Powers.
Even in this horrible movie. He stole his scenes as he did his usual shtick and made it work. Despite being in a movie that has gone down as one of the worst of all time. Which is even more amazing considering the ineptitude of the rest of this picture as his four minutes of airtime is the only thing worth seeing. Then like a fart in the wind he is gone and we are left with some of the worst acting ever in the history of movie making.
Which is not a stretch in the least as there are scenes that put some of the worst scenes from Pocket Ninjas, Troll 2 and Vampegeddon to the test on what is worse. When you get into those categories of what's worse you are skimming the floaters off a poop pool in hopes of finding last nights corn. You are just in a no win situtuation and one that you wish you where not doing.
It is this feeling that I had through out watching this movie. As I kept asking myself is my movie streak worth this punishment? Is it worth possibly dying holding my cat? To answer those yes it was not for enjoyment. But for the fact I am a trooper and never want to walk out on a persons hard work. No matter how terribly bad it might be. Which is horrible and no matter the descriptives I can never get the point across on just how bad this is.
As people will flock to it like flies to a turd. It just happens as we as humans love car wrecks and this happens to be one of the worst of the bunch. Just not the worst as that goes to Zombie Nation followed by Urban Menace currently. Yet all of this beckons the question. Why do I enjoy watching movies daily and reviewing them when I get stuck watching films like these? Well folks it is simple.
Someone needs to do it and I love watching and writing. That and I am unable to work at the moment and this gives me a sense of purpose and change in my pocket. That I won't see till I hit a preset benchmark but it does make a small amount. At the same time there are days like today where I feel this is not enough for the punishment I put myself through.
As these beating start to add up mentally and physically in some cases as I cringe and roll up in a ball as I watch these movies. Holding onto a self made promise of never walking out of a movie. All the while movies like this put me to the test and make me want to quit. I just can not. I know the film makers tried and worked hard on this movie with some of the sets especially.
Just when all your budget is spent on sets and the worst CGI possible you have to wonder what they where thinking? As these where the biggest selling points of the movie and when you have creatures that look like through backs to the 50's and 60's creature features. Complete with rubber skin and occasional human skin showing you just can not do anything but laugh.
Especially if you have ever seen the movie Guyver with Mark Hamill as these look like they where rented from that movie for this movie. Which is epic and all at the same time laughable. But none more so than a line spoken in this movie. "I feel like I am in a bad episode of the X-Files."
I couldn't agree more and I wish that Scully and Molder had come out and whisked this movie away to a unkown vault where it was lost to time. Instead we are stuck with this movie out in the public where it can abuse and torture all of the world.
My Rating: Negative -5 out of 5 Stars