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Friday, June 10, 2011

Movie Review # 102 The Pirates of Treasure Island[The Asylum] (2006)

Release: 2006
Director: Leigh Scott
Writer(s): Robert Louis Stevenson, Leigh Scott, David Michael Latt, Carlos De Los Rios
Cast: Lance Henriksen, Tom Nagel, Rebekah Kochan 

Rotten Tomatoes: 31% Audience
IMDb: 1.8/10
Netflix: 2.3 Stars

Mockbuster is a foul foul word in motion pictures these days. With The Asylum leading the way in making of these travesties. Which is extremely sad as there is no end in sight of these ever ending as their names and covers sell people on the movies. Only to be sucked into a small portion of Hell and spat back out mentally scarred and abused.

The fact that The Asylum always makes money on each of these movies shows one thing. That crap sells and if your budget is low enough and enough fools buy it. You turn a profit and laugh all the way to the bank as you churn out another turd that people will buy. As they think it is the real deal. This kind of thinking is completely wrong but also completely brilliant as people are gullible and sold on pretty pictures.

Which these movies cover in spades. It is also the reason most people hate these movies as the box art and descriptions often do no justice to how pathetic the movie is. Take for example this movie here. The Pirates of Treasure Island. Which is a Comedic adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's tail Treasure Island. I know what you are thinking I am crazy for writing that sentence. But I am just re-writing what was said on the official wiki for this movie.

Which I disagree with completely as this is not a comedic adaptation of a literary classic. It is straight up destruction and blasphemy. As it takes the insects from Starship Troopers and drops them in Treasure Island. Hell I would go to say they look like the evolution of the monsters from Tremors as well. Either which way you go they screwed up and ruined the story.

Which is damning to me. As I love Pirate movies and I love Treasure Island adaptations! Including the silly Muppet's, Treasure Planet and everything in between. But not this one! Oh no! This movie spits on the grave of Robert Louis Stevenson. If he could get up and be a zombie he would go after the producers, writers and cast of this movie and kill them for ruining his work.

All the while screaming "Giant bugs! Why Giant Bugs!!" as he chomped down on the brains of these degenerate hacks. Even then I do not think this would be a fitting way to kill off these people. I honestly do not know what is. Maybe making them sit through this movie and all of the Asylum pictures would be more fitting. Even then it is not enough of a purgatory to make up for the fact that I am always reviewing these movies.

I honestly just hate anything by The Asylum. I dread the movies as I see them cue up on my randomizer. Which is fine and dandy just do not ever expect me to write something nice. If you can avoid these movies do. Be it if they are on Sci-Fi, Netflix, Amazon, Blockbuster or your local video supplier. Just avoid them! Period! You have better things to do than to waste your time, life and entertainment buck on these pieces of crap.

My Rating: Negative -5 out 5 Stars

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