Thursday, June 16, 2011
Movie Review # 108 The Almighty Thor [The Asylum] (2011)
Director: Christopher Ray
Writer: Erik Estenberg
Cast: Kevin Nash, Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez
Rotten Tomatoes: 5%
Netflix: 2.2 Stars
The Almighty Bore is such a wonderful movie. It has all the loving care that you expect from a wonderful movie company. As they gleefully follow the cannon of a character and put out a wonderful and great movie. WRONG!!! The Asylum is none of that and this just like so many other of their failures is a perfect reason why they should be put out of business.
Over this 100+ reviews I have reviewed 12 over their movies including this one. Of all of them I have enjoyed three. Paranormal Entity, Moby Dick: 2010 and The Land that Time Forgot. Three out of twelve is a horrible number and I know I might be missing a few. But I do not want to go back and count. So what makes these movies as bad as they are?
Sadly it is all to simple. Acting, writing, graphics and directing. You can tell these are all shot on a short budget and put into the can as fast as possible. With terrifying results as the actors stumble over their lines, the extras act as if the are not worried and my favorites are seeing people walking into the shot and stopping. Then gawking that they see a camera and people dressed up in funny costumes.
Which happened all to often in Thor the Almighty. One in particular that comes to mind is a lady with her child that turns a corner on her cellphone and then stops. Then continues walking into a store only to flip back around and peek at what is going on. It was downright hilarious as it was not scripted and it just showed that humanity is doing what it does best and that is to be curious.
It is also the lone highlight of the movie for me. As the rest falls into the why am I watching this crap again. Now where to begin? Let's go with the plot of the movie. Loki wants the Hammer of Invincibility and comes up from the depths of Hell to get it. So he sends out his demon dogs to destroy and raid Valhalla. While Odin is called to go see the Mystics who tell him to hand over the Hammer.
Which he doesn't and his killed by Loki. But before dying he sends the hammer to the Tree of Life. Where Thor has to go and retrieve it. Only to lose it Loki and get sent to Hell himself. Where he creates his own hammer and destroys Loki bring peace again to the world. So what is wrong with this set up? Everything is wrong with it. As they never mentioned Odin's Hammer which is what Thor is known for. Secondly Odin is a God and is not easily slain by a sword.
Third Thor is not a whiny little cry baby who looks lost all the time. He is the God of Thunder and is awesome. Which is far from in this movie. He is more like the spoiled kid who didn't get his pudding cup in his lunch and then cries to himself in the corner. As his friends console him. Which leads me to this. I never thought anyone in their right mind would castrate Thor and yet The Asylum and SyFy pictures did.
He is no longer a man in their eyes but a mere Eunuch that is wimpy, pathetic boy who tries to be a man and the new King of Valhalla. Which he isn't. Now for the direction I went over this at the top. So it is really not worth mentioning anymore. Now for the graphics. I will say for a made for TV movie they are fair at best. That is if you lack a sense of realism as they look like they where pulled out of a first generation XBOX game.
With all of that done it leads the most heinous of them all. That is the acting. From the start there is no hope as Richard Grieco only makes bad movies, Kevin Nash is just a wrestler, and Cody Deal was brought in for his muscles and not his talent in acting. Even the usually decent Patricia Velasquez has a hard time with acting in this movie as the script just screams to be used as toilet paper.
Even then I am afraid it would give me paper cuts and then clog my toilet. All because of its taint. As a whole this movie is a mess and one that no one should have to endure. Especially since people will assume that it is the Marvel film Thor. Which this movie is modeled after badly. If you have doubts on the legitimacy of a movie or are just ill informed please do yourself a favor before buying or seeing these movies.
Use IMDb and the internet and find out for yourselves on these movies. Maybe call a friend who loves movies and they will guide you to a better promised land. I say that because I believe that The Asylum should be stopped and innocent people should no longer be punished and hurt for these movies. It is my cause and it is my plight as I will review every one of their movies before the year is out.
My Rating .25 out of 5 Stars