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Friday, June 17, 2011

Movie Review # 109 Taintlight (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Chris Seaver
Writer: Chris Seaver
Cast: Meredith Host, Kurt Indovina

Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience 
IMDb: 2.9/10
Netflix: 1.5 Stars

Thinking back to the first day I started my grand adventure. I had high hopes and lofty dreams. Of watching great movies and finding some hidden gems. With occasional bad movies along the way. What I was not expecting are movies that borderline on mental torture and abuse. Sadly that is what this has become torture and not so much fun kind of torture.

Take this recent movie. Which goes into the Pits of Hell and finds the worst writing, directing and cast possible. Then makes a spoof on Twilight. Which is a book and movie series I do love. But I do just want to say that is not going to cloud my judgement of this movie. Taintlight takes the first movie of the Twilight series and turns it upside down and then dunks it in the toilet for a chocolate swirly.

Then after that is down they go in for a second dip just to be safe. It is just a putrid movie filled with incest, glittering boners that shoot out bubbles and a Michael Jackson dancing werewolf.As bad as all of these are they can not top the horrible acting in this movie. That ranks up there with the worst of all time. We are talking nearing Skeleton Key 2 bad.

Hell this entire movie ranks up with Skeleton Key 2 on crappiness. As they are both written to be horrible and the reason this is not close to Skeleton Key 2. Is it is only an hour long and it is a painful hour to say the least. With one wonderful cock bubble scene that actually made me laugh so hard my cat freaked out. As it is so unexpected and outlandish it is all you can do.

Outside of that one highlight there is nothing else here. Now for all the wrongs in this movie. Fake mustaches, glued on hair, cock bubbles, Mime driving, horrible acting, father jerking off over his daughter, constant talk of periods and stereotypes. That right there is your plot. I know what you are thinking wait that can't be the plot! I wish I could tell you I was kidding but I wouldn't be.

Because that is everything in this movie. There is nothing else. There is the mock of Twilight but it is so hidden under all of that crap listed. That you never get into the story. Which is just a loose interpretation of the Bella and Edward love triangle from the first movie and book. With obvious name changes in this one. Stella, Edgar and Jack. Just so they don't get in trouble you know.

Even as a satire this movie is not worth anyone's time. If anything this should be shown to film students as a teaching tool on how to no make a satire. As it fails on delivering any of what the original good. It is this kind of low budget crap that gives B-Films such a bad name and I just wish I could rid them off the face of the planet. As they are bad for filmmakers, bad for audiences and most importantly bad for the actors involved.

My Rating Negative -2 out of 5 Stars

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