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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Movie Review # 120 Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009)

Release (2009)
Director: Scott Wheeler
Writer: Shane Van Dyke
Cast: Shane Van Dyke, Bruce BoxleitnerJennifer Rubin

Rotten Tomatoes: 7% Audience
IMDb: 2.3/10
Netflix: 2 Stars

I think I just watched the most amazing movie ever! Not only was I blown away by the acting and special effects. It was simply just an amazing joy to watch this film. It is the best film ever and the Oscar's should be called The Asylum! Because that is where you will end up if you have to watch any of these piece of crap movies. I usually do not hate on people. Yet Shane Van Dyke deserves it and honestly if I was Dick Van Dyke or even Jerry I would have aborted this bastard of the Van Dyke lineage.

As he deserves nothing that his Uncle and Father did. Not only does he shit on their reputation he does it in a way that makes even the most cruelest of dictators hide in fear. As he chooses to insult the masses instead of building them up to love him. He instead chooses to out do the likes of Uwe Boll and Ed Wood. Whom both did bad movies. But as bad as they are you can laugh at their horrible nature.

Not like this movie or some of his other movies like Titanic 2. It is just damning that he is related to one of the Golden Ages of acting greats Dick Van Dyke. How this man is even related to them is beyond me. I know this is harsh and I know this is demeaning to the works he has done. But let's just be honest and clear he folks. He can not write, act or even produce good movies. He chooses to be a copy cat hack that makes money on unsuspecting filmgoers.

Take this movie as example A. It is a play on Transformers with robots coming down to destroy the world. But that sounds like Terminators! Yeah it does but the Alien technology we gained in Roswell, New Mexico is what brought us into the computer age. So all the computers and anything with a computer chip was destroyed. That lead to the invasion of the alien robots. That in turn forced us underground so that we could survive. All the while we are stuck watching as actors fumble lines, bad effects and horrible black tape on all vehicles.

Yes you read that right in one scene you will see the emblem of the car, truck or suv covered in black tape. Only to see the next scene it isn't and then it is is again. That or you will see a human driving a car that is supposed to be driven by no one. Maybe you want lines like this "Put the phone in the gun box. Put it in the glove box." Like you couldn't remember your lines their Bruce Boxleitner! I know you saved Babylon 5 and are the infamous and sexy Tron!

But do me a favor Bruce and stay the hell away from anything else by the Asylum. You are to good an actor to have to continually be in these movies. Seriously just focus on the next Tron sequel and the money you make from that and forgo these pieces of monkey crap. Even that is a compliment as I can not think of pieces of crap that deserve to be ridiculed like this movie does. Gah! I just hate these movies but I watch them so others do not have to.

Sadly my voice does not get out far enough to say not to watch these films. It falls on the Internets deaf ears. Which I can not change. If anything you my gentle reader can spread the word to avoid these movies. But I fear most of you use this blog as a means to scar your life and your friends life as you seek out some of these turd sandwiches I review for your own sadistic pleasure. You know that is fine. I can not change that but what I can change is this. I can remove all other Asylum pictures from my randomizer for the next month and then put them back in.

Just so I can get a break from them. I honestly can not look at another one with out wanting a pencil through my temple feeling. So enjoy this stay of films as I won't watch or review another Asylum picture till sometime in August!

My Rating: Negative -2 out of 5 Stars

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