Movie Review # 8 The Maiden Heist

Release:
Director: Peter Hewitt: (Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, Garfield, The Borrowers
Writer: Michael LeSieur (You Me and Dupree)
Cast: 
Morgan Freeman (Batman: Dark Knight, Glory)
Christopher Walken (Deer Hunter, Catch Me if You Can)
William H. Macy (Fargo, Pleasentville)
Marcia Gay Harden (Mystic River, Miller's Crossing[1990])


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 34% Fresh (Audience Only) http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/maiden_heist/
IMDB: 6.0/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1107860/
Netflix:  3.2 Stars


Review:
The Maiden Heist is a film you either fall in love with or are going to hate instantly. For myself I fell in love with the bumbling, stumbling trio of Charles, Roger and George. Played by Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken and William H. Macy respectably. The story is simple each man has a piece of art that they love more than they love anything else in life. The art is their life they fantasize about it they dream about it. It is just what they have become.

So when the new Curator played by Todd Weeks decides it is time to refresh the Museum and move out all the old works of art. The men each of whom had no previous connection except being Museum Guards decide that going to Denmark to see their favorite works is to far and set out to steal the works. Which honestly is a riot as none are proffesional thiefs and that is where this film's humor lies. It is a traditional slapstick complete with all the bell's and whistles.

I guess that is why I liked this movie. It reminded me of a reverse Private Eye's who starred the late Don Knott's and Tim Conway. Instead of finding a killer and a thief. These bumbling men are trying to figure out how to steal the works. Alah! Night at the Museum which Morgan Freeman also starred in. Again three guards wanting to steal artifacts from the Museum. That is where the charm is. Each of the lead have their own works that they love. Which they each sculpted their lives around and you fall for them.

But where the film is weakest is how they do it. It seem's almost juvenile yet somewhat befitting the story. It is not a serious film and should never be viewed at that. But just as a good movie to sit down with and enjoy. Peter Hewitt who directed this film did a wonderful job in setting up of shots and editing this film. It was high class all the way. The saddest part of this film is not the film itself but what happens all to often in Hollywood. The Studio that produced this movie the Yari Film Group went belly up.

Which caused this movie to be delayed and ultimately to DVD. It is sad as I see this a film that could have brought in 40 to 80 million at the box office. It is just that enjoyable at least to me. But take my word on this give this film a shot. The rating might be all over the place and it just shows one thing. Audiences and critics can not make choices for you. So give The Maidens Heist a shot and you might just find your inner artiste.

My Rating for this film. 3 Stars out of 5

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Maiden_Heist

Movie Review # 7 Kung Fu Mummy

Director: Randy Morgan (40 Year Old Virgin[Art Department])
Writer: Randy Morgan
Cast: Who give's a flying fuck they all sucked and are nobodies!!!!


IMDB: 1.4/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0939630/
Rotten Tomatoes: 11% Fresh (Audience Only)http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the-kung-fu-mummy/
Netflix 1.6 Stars


Review:
HOLY FUCKING HELL!!! I am just going to open with this. If given the choice of watching this piece of shit again and taking two rusted out razor and broken glass dildos up my ass and my pussy I would choose the later and forgo the mental anguish that this piece of smelly dog shit delivered. If I believed in a God I would be praying that Randy Morgan who wrote, directed and starred in this would be delivered straight to Hell where his sentence would be to watch this film 24hrs a day for an eternity.

Damn it! This review is so not going North but heading South where all that is vile will come out. But let's put this Shit in the stack and rate it against some of the worst of the worst. Here is what is more enjoyable than this fucking thing. Baby Geniuses 1 and 2, Pocket Ninja's, Turkish Star Wars and Troll 2. Yes folks this makes all of those films seem like Oscar worthy productions. At no point and I mean at NO POINT do I recommend this film to any fans of bad films. I just can not. There is not amount of weed, crank, crack, pcp, angel dust, beer or alcohol that can save this film.

The entire thing is shot on super 8 and maybe one dv. I understand low budget but seriously the fact that they put in footage of a guy on vacation in Europe, Mexico and even in Las Vegas. You got to be fucking kidding me. But the biggest thing is the God forsaken toy guns. Seriously they put toy guns to peoples heads. They have plastic guns running rampant. The only time you see a real gun is sitting on a table and the actor who has to pick up seems to scared to. Yet he is supposed to be some super cop! REALLY!? A cop who is a pansy ass that won't pick up a gun!!!

So here is the story and yes I usually skip spoilers but this needs to be spoiled so no one in their right mind watches it. It deals with a Peruvian mummy who has $200 million in jewels inside him. Who the world wants only to be found by a jewel thief under a piece of plywood with the words do not disturb. Yes you read that right under a piece of plywood. Hell he is in the middle of a field and all it is a man with ace bandages wrapped all around him. The fucking mummy is even wearing sneakers.

Later he is brought back to life by a scientist and then he is seen skateboarding away again in sneakers a plastic wristwatch. Fuck it hell this movie as I have stated is a pile of shit on shit and less toss in a whole fucking ton of whale and elephant shit to make the point. Gah I can't not think of why I wasted 90 minutes of my life on this. Hell why would someone waste time in even making this pile of shit. Anyways what is redeeming about this NOTHING. THATS WHAT!!! NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!!!

It is just shit all around a warehouse is supposed to be a bar. Same warehouse is a sex toy factory where the opening fight starts. All the actors play multiple roles. But the biggest slap in the face with their Mummy Penis!! IS the fact that the mummy who is supposed to be from Peru is a white man with blue eyes and light brown hair. Yes folks they stuck their Mummy Penis in our eyes and said the mummy is a white man. Fuck the fact that Peruvians look more like Indians and Mexicans. Really oh fuck. Shit I am just going to wrap this up. I can not stand talking or writing anymore about this vile piece of film failure.

So here it is. My rating! This film has made me start a new scale with 1 being the middle ground and -5 being worst possible rating. This film gets a perfect negative score. There you have it folks the movie that broke the scale and will more than likely be the worst film of this year that I have to review Kung Fu Fucking Mummy.

My Review NEGATIVE 5 Stars out of 5


Since their is no trailer or video just get on Netflix and watch at your own risk.

Movie Review # 6 of 365 Consecutive: Keith

Release: April 11, 2008 Palm Beach International Film Festival
Director: Todd Kessler (Blue's Clues, Blue's Clues Big Musical Movie)
Writer: David Zabel (Screenplay) (ER, Detroit 1-8-7, Dark Angel)
              Ron Carlson (Story)
Cast: Jesse McCartney (Alvin and the Chipmunks, Horton Hears a Who)
          Elisabeth Harnois (A Single Man, Ten Inch Hero)
          Ethan Phillips (Star Trek: Voyager, Glory, The Island)


IMDB: 7.5/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435679/
Rotten Tomatoes: 77% Fresh (Audience only)
Netflix: 3.9 Stars


Review:
Well here it is day 6 and I was supposed to review Pokemon: Rise of Darkrai but sadly my roomy decided that today I should watch a film of her choosing. Which happened to be Keith. I will honestly admit I hate films like these as they force you to relive a moment of life you don't want to. That or they make you think about something else that you don't want. Either way it is the don't want to part that makes me choke up. I can not say what that is as it will ruin the film.

What I can talk about is the acting of Jesse McCartney at times he was brilliant others it seemed as if his mood was forced. The same can be be said of Elisabeth Harnois. She had moment's of brilliance and times of bleh and that just goes for the entire cast. The only part that made me giggle is every time Ethan Phillips was on screen as all I could picture was the Rinaxian known as Neelix prancing around teaching chemistry instead of a cooking class. Yes I just admitted that I am a Trekker or is a Trekkie? Either which way yes I am. Since I am admitting my faults I am also a Star Wars geek and a Pokemon Dweeb. There the cats are out and running free. Just be careful where you step they do occasionally leave bombs on the lawn.

Now back to the movie. Todd Kessler made a huge jump from Blue's Clues to this film. I mean seriously a happy go lucky children's show to this deep, thought provoking and emotional roller coaster. Yet for the most part he seemed at ease with it. As if this film was close to his heart in some way. Which I wouldn't doubt and again I won't spoil the movie.

Now my only complaint in this film was the editing and some of the shots as they seemed either staged and set up. The editing at times jumped from one scene to another with no real transition. Even with that it could not take away from this story. With everything that I disliked the story was amazing and it deserves a look for it alone.

Now on a side note and closing. I have no idea if anyone even reads this. It doesn't matter my friends think that I will give up on this blog like I do on everything else. Which I will not 365 days of reviewing movies is a lot of work and a lot of hours. But it is something that I want to prove to myself that I can do something other than be in more or less constant pain. I just hope that some of you along the way leave a comment. If not I will just keep toodling along writing every day for my own pleasure and enjoyment.


My Rating: 3.75 Stars out of 5


Movie Trailer:

Keith (Film)Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_(film)

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)

Movie Review # 5 Pokemon: Lucario and the Legend of Mew

Release: 2005(Japan in Theaters) 2006(Worldwide DVD)
Director: Kunihiko Yuyama
Writer: Hideki Sonada
Cast: (English)
Veronica Taylor 
Eric Stuart
Ikue Ootani


Rotten Tomatoes: 80% (Audience no reviews) http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/pokemon-lucario-and-the-mystery-of-mew/
IMDB: 7.0/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0875609/
Netflix: 3.8 Stars out of 5 


Review:
Yeah I know why the hell am I reviewing a kids movie. Especially a Pokemon movie. Well guys and girls and those people who are undecided. I am reviewing this purely on the fact that I love Pokemon and its the weekend Pokemon Black and White are released here in the States. So if you want to skip this review and tomorrows be my guest as it will be back to back Pokemon movies. So on to the Gotta Catch Them All Review!!

Pokemon: Lucario and The Legend of Mew is possibly the strangest Pokemon movie on record outside of Pokemon The 3rd Movie with the Unknown running rampant. Even with that said its a Pokemon movie where you shelve your belief of reality at the door and just sit back and enjoy what is honestly entry level Anime. Which does not mean this movie is crap. Because it is not. It is sillier and does not follow the cannon of the show and you can tell that For Kids Entertainment really didn't care how their writing ruined what was a beautiful story. But that is just what For Kids did.

From changing the titles of movies to changing cannon story lines. This is no different. The basis of the story is around a great protector who sacrificed himself in order to save his adopted home and his best friend Lucario. Only Lucario upon release thinks that his Master betrayed the land and ultimately him. This tear jerking and moving story had everything there for a great feature. Sadly the re-writes by the American's ruined it as they added in humor where humor should not have been.

Again I just roll around to blaming For Kids. So I will just drop this bad egg and focus on what makes this movie good. Which is voice acting, art and the beauty that is Pokemon. Lucario and the Mystery of Mew I would put in the middle of the Pokemon pack with Pokemon the First Movie and Pokemon Mewtwo returns one and two. Sadly since I have not seen all the films. Including tomorrows film Darkrai I can not really rate this film up against those. But as a individual film if you can look past the fact that the show goes one way and this movie goes another. It is worth sitting down and viewing as Pokemon fan.

If you are not the flaws and the re-written script will make you want to vomit as it is a sugar coated mess. Sadly to me this movie is something I can not hate. But it is not the first in my list of Pokemon Movies to watch. But if you haven't seen it then it is worth the 1hr and 40 mins to sit back and catch it at least once. As Ash Ketchum and Pikachu save the world again from destruction. Seriously he is Superman in Pokemon he is always at the right place at the right time to save the world and Pokemon from imment doom. Yeah Ash is a demi-God just like Hercules or Perseus and with that I am off to bed.

My Rating: 2.75 Stars out of 5

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon:_Lucario_and_the_Mystery_of_Mew

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)

Movie Review # 4 City Island

Release:  2009 (
Director: 
Raymond De Felitta (The Thing About My Folks, Two Family House)
Writer:
Raymond De Felitta
Cast: 
Andy Garcia (Oceans 11, Oceans 12, Oceans 13, The Godfather Part III, The Untouchables)
Julianna Marguilies (Snakes on a Plane, ER, The Good Wife)
        
Reviews: 
Rotten Tomatoes: 81% Fresh Rating (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/city_island/)
IMDB: 7.5/10 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1174730/)
Netflix: 3.7 Stars out of 5

Review:
First off I want to apologize for yesterday's movie review. I honestly feel I did not give due justice to the Hebrew Hammer. But I won't be going back and changing it as this is a challenge to do one movie review every day for a year. I mean seriously 365 days of watching one movie and then writing a review. Has this been done before? Seriously anyone know? If it hasn't then its totally awesome. Anyways on to the review for City Island.

Raymond De Felitta who wrote and directed this film showed more than just passion for his work. He showed that B-Films and Indie films are where the heart and soul of cinema is today. I say that as this movie confronts you the viewing audience with one question at the begining of the film. "What is your deepest darkest secret?" and at the time of that line coming out you have no idea why such a line would be the context of a feature film. Then as the layers peel away and you see the people and all their faults. All their desires and how they each are hiding one thing or several things.

It makes you feel for the characters as each comes to terms with their secrets. Be it being a Feeder, a Stripper, a dead beat father or just feeling as if you are no longer sexy enough for your mate. It covers everything and it covers it beautifully. What is amazing is that this movie did not catch on as other indie films did like Little Miss Sunshine, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and even as recently as (500) Days of Summer. As it has the same factors that made each of these films mega-blockbusters. Strong characters, amazing story and a heartfelt message that rips at your heartstrings.

I know that this film is possibly one of the best I will watch in this year long Exodus and at the end of the year. I will put out my top 10 films I watched and my bottom 10. Thankfully I do not have to relive Troll 2, Pocket Ninjas or even Turkish Star Wars. Sadly though I also can not enjoy films like this one and Exam which is an amazing movie. That is just part of this journey I am expanding my viewing and going after films I have never seen. Which I am thankful for as I possibly would have never watched this film. Which to date in this 4 day exodus is the best one by far. I just hope that some of you sit back and take a chance on this movie.

My Rating 4.25 Stars out of 5

City Island Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/City_Island_(film)

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)

Movie Review #3 The Hebrew Hammer

Release: 2003 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/)
Director: Jonathon Kesselman
Writer: Jonathon Kesselman
Cast: Adam Goldberg (Saving Private Ryan, Deja Vu, A Beautiful Mind)
          Andy Dick (NewsRadio, The Cable Guy, Less Than Perfect)
          Judy Greer (Three Kings, The Village, What Women Want)

Reviews:
IMDB: 6.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes: 52%
Netflix: 3.1 Stars
     
Review:
The Hebrew Hammer wow. Yeah this is possibly one of the most offensive, politically incorrect films I have ever seen. Which honestly I do not mind in the least. But to show you how bad this film got. The Anti-Defamation League brought this film up on charges to no avail. As art trumped Political Correctness.  That in itself sets this film apart from it's peers. But is it worth viewing? What movies does it steal from?

Now that is the real question. The Hebrew Hammer who is played Adam Goldberg is part Austin Powers part Jason Bourne and a tiny bit of Batman. Where instead of his family being killed that brought out the anger in him. It was his Hanukkah dreidel and that is really where the story picks up. This film never delves into who and what makes the Jewish Dark Knight. Is he a Private Dick as his door to his office reads? Is it he Jewish version of Batman or just some schmuck who is just rough enough around the edges to make others go "He is so cool!"

I guess he is a little of all of that. Now for the main story Damien the son of Santa Claus kills his father and is hellbent on destroying all that is not Christmas. Which means the Jews must combat an evil Santa Clause who is played by Andy Dick. In possibly one of his better roles. Complete with him poking fun at his drug past or is it his present. Who the fuck knows anymore. This guy was Charlie Sheen after Charlie Sheen got clean only to disappear and well yeah. I am off track here. So Damien wants to drub out Hanukkah damn that is bitch to write out. Again I am off track. Grr I blame the fact I am so tired on this being more dribble than informational. Anyways yeah!

So the film revolves around The Hebrew Hammer who must save Hanukkah from evil Santa Claus. It's high points is that it takes cue's from movies like Spaceballs with its tongue in cheek humor of security systems, Austin Powers in its sex scenes and Ernest Saves Christmas or even Elf in it's message of believing and you will succeed. All in all once you put aside your PC hat and sit back with your I don't give a fuck hat this film stands as a decent way to waste 2 hours of your life. Is it a film to put along Bad Santa, Elf, Fred Clause, 8 Crazy Nights or any other holiday film that is over played at Christmas?

I would say possibly.But for myself it is a no for the most part. It just was not my kind of movie and if I want to watch a super Jew kick ass. I will just watch Adam Sandlers film. Don't Mess with Zohan as it has more appeal and honestly was a lot funnier than the Hebrew Hammer as it just went below the belt and stayed there long enough to circumcise the viewing audience.

My Rating 2.25 Stars out of 5

 

The Hebrew Hammer Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hebrew_Hammer
The Hebrew Hammer Rotten Tomatoes: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/hebrew_hammer/

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)

Movie Review # 2 Trick 'r Treat

Release: 2009 made in 2007 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0862856/)
Director: Michael Dougherty (Superman: Returns, X2)
Writer:    Michael Dougherty
Cast:       Dylan Baker (Spider-man 2, Spider-man 3, The Cell)
               Brett Kelly (Bad Santa, Sandlot 2)
               Anna Paquin (True Blood, X-Men, Fly Away Home)
               Brian Cox (Troy, Bourne Identity, Braveheart)


Online Ratings: 

Netflix Rating:  3.3 Stars

IMDB Rating: 7.0/10 Stars

Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Review:
Trick 'r Treat is a fascinating film. That Takes cues from comic books and great horror films like Tales from the Crypt, Creepshow and the Twilight Zone movie. All the while making it all it's own in a Pulp Fictionesque fashion. From beginning to end there are 4 intertwined stories that seem to have no rhyme or reason and have nothing to do with each other. Only to come a head at the end where it is all wrapped up in a nice bow for your viewing consumption. Unlike yesterday's film where I really fought back and kept my review clean. All because I hated it this one has brought out a certain inner maniacal killer inside me. 


As I smirked each time the someone died an untimely death which often was never shown but only implied. It is because of this Trick 'r Treat hits on what made the 80's horror films so great. Which was sell the campy nature, don't take yourself overly serious and sell the featured gore scenes but not be overly gory. The Torture-porn genre brought on by movies like Hostel and Saw have come and gone. But classics like Halloween, Friday the 13th have staying factors as they do not make the audience want to hurl as you watch in graphic details someone being cut to bits. 


That is just not for me and same can be said for most of society. It can no be said about all and that is what makes art films like Trick 'r Treat so much fun. They fill the void of classic horror that a majority of people can enjoy. Michael Dougherty who not only wrote this but also directed. Shows that he cared about his medium unlike Heatseekers Albert Pyun. This film flowed and never dragged as each story was told in a beautiful fashion with each having a intriguing and often fun end. 


Now some would I watch this film again? Most defiantly it is a film that I can kick back to and enjoy just like I do for my annual Creepshow viewing. Do I recommend this film defiantly. If you are sick of the Porn-torture films and long for the days of classic horror that is partly comedy part silly cliche then Trick 'r Treat is the film for you.


My Rating: 3.25 out of 5 Stars


This film is souly owned by Legendary Pictures and Warner Premier. All rights belong to them.

Trick 'r Treat Rotten Tomatoes: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/trick_r_treat/
Trick 'r Treat Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trick_'r_Treat

My Review Criteria: Must be a film I have never seen and available on Netflix (Streaming or DVD). Must be a B-Film, Indie Film or Foreign Film. Must have not been released in mass to Theaters in the USA. Feel free to submit any movie you would want me to review. I am game for anything.

(Goal to write 365 movie reviews in 365 days. Damn I am nuts!)