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Monday, March 7, 2011

Movie Review # 7 Kung Fu Mummy

Director: Randy Morgan (40 Year Old Virgin[Art Department])
Writer: Randy Morgan
Cast: Who give's a flying fuck they all sucked and are nobodies!!!!

IMDB: 1.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes: 11% Fresh (Audience Only)
Netflix 1.6 Stars

HOLY FUCKING HELL!!! I am just going to open with this. If given the choice of watching this piece of shit again and taking two rusted out razor and broken glass dildos up my ass and my pussy I would choose the later and forgo the mental anguish that this piece of smelly dog shit delivered. If I believed in a God I would be praying that Randy Morgan who wrote, directed and starred in this would be delivered straight to Hell where his sentence would be to watch this film 24hrs a day for an eternity.

Damn it! This review is so not going North but heading South where all that is vile will come out. But let's put this Shit in the stack and rate it against some of the worst of the worst. Here is what is more enjoyable than this fucking thing. Baby Geniuses 1 and 2, Pocket Ninja's, Turkish Star Wars and Troll 2. Yes folks this makes all of those films seem like Oscar worthy productions. At no point and I mean at NO POINT do I recommend this film to any fans of bad films. I just can not. There is not amount of weed, crank, crack, pcp, angel dust, beer or alcohol that can save this film.

The entire thing is shot on super 8 and maybe one dv. I understand low budget but seriously the fact that they put in footage of a guy on vacation in Europe, Mexico and even in Las Vegas. You got to be fucking kidding me. But the biggest thing is the God forsaken toy guns. Seriously they put toy guns to peoples heads. They have plastic guns running rampant. The only time you see a real gun is sitting on a table and the actor who has to pick up seems to scared to. Yet he is supposed to be some super cop! REALLY!? A cop who is a pansy ass that won't pick up a gun!!!

So here is the story and yes I usually skip spoilers but this needs to be spoiled so no one in their right mind watches it. It deals with a Peruvian mummy who has $200 million in jewels inside him. Who the world wants only to be found by a jewel thief under a piece of plywood with the words do not disturb. Yes you read that right under a piece of plywood. Hell he is in the middle of a field and all it is a man with ace bandages wrapped all around him. The fucking mummy is even wearing sneakers.

Later he is brought back to life by a scientist and then he is seen skateboarding away again in sneakers a plastic wristwatch. Fuck it hell this movie as I have stated is a pile of shit on shit and less toss in a whole fucking ton of whale and elephant shit to make the point. Gah I can't not think of why I wasted 90 minutes of my life on this. Hell why would someone waste time in even making this pile of shit. Anyways what is redeeming about this NOTHING. THATS WHAT!!! NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!!!

It is just shit all around a warehouse is supposed to be a bar. Same warehouse is a sex toy factory where the opening fight starts. All the actors play multiple roles. But the biggest slap in the face with their Mummy Penis!! IS the fact that the mummy who is supposed to be from Peru is a white man with blue eyes and light brown hair. Yes folks they stuck their Mummy Penis in our eyes and said the mummy is a white man. Fuck the fact that Peruvians look more like Indians and Mexicans. Really oh fuck. Shit I am just going to wrap this up. I can not stand talking or writing anymore about this vile piece of film failure.

So here it is. My rating! This film has made me start a new scale with 1 being the middle ground and -5 being worst possible rating. This film gets a perfect negative score. There you have it folks the movie that broke the scale and will more than likely be the worst film of this year that I have to review Kung Fu Fucking Mummy.

My Review NEGATIVE 5 Stars out of 5

Since their is no trailer or video just get on Netflix and watch at your own risk.

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