Movie Review # 68 The Fallen Ones (2005)

Release: 2005
Director: Keith VanHook http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0889099/ 
Writer: Keith VanHook http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0889099/ 
Cast:
Tom Bosley http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0098014/
Robert Wagner http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001822/
Casper Van Dien http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000680/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 25% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/fallen_ones/
IMDb: 3.6/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0421199/
Netflix: 2.6 Stars


Review:
Genesis 6:4 "There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown."


That Bible Passage is the main plot of this movie. Where the fallen "Angel of Death" Amman the smiter of Gamora has laid with women and had children. All of whom became giants but one and how he protected them from God's wrath before he flooded the world. By moving each one of the to the four corners or the world. Alright I admit I am not a a fan of the Bible. 


But this movie seriously puts anyones faith to a test. As it is not following the Bible for one and breaks what is written. Two it is just insulting and the third even as action movie. It just falls flat and that is with what is seemingly a low to mid-range all star cast. Tom Bosely (Happy Days), Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers) and Rober Wagner (Austin Powers 1-3). So no real expense was held back on this straight tv Sci-Fi original.


Wait I just answered my own question. It is a Sci-Fi TV Original movie. These are always terrible and this one is no exception. With plot holes the size of the 42 foot mummy, to the horrible acting. Especially by Scott Whyte (Might Ducks 2&3) who has lines so bad. That deserve mentioning up with with "Look they are eating her. Then they are going to eat me." from Troll 2. In just how bad they really are.


Which in this reviewers sick little mind made me laugh. All in the good way as this movie is terrible but in that so bad its awesome kind of way. Unlike Recon 2022 which I just reviewed. This movie is a fun bad. Not selling soft core porn in order move a movie forward. Which this one has none. Yes they imply that Amman wants to have sex with the main female lead. So that he can populate the world with giants and rule over all.


But outside of that it is all talk and completely PG. Even the fighting is PG and at most will hit the PG-13 rating. Even that still is a vast stretch. As this movie is more about simplicity and not focusing on bad special effects. Which there are a few scenes with them. Just not enough to ruin the movie. Instead they focused more on live actors in mummy suits. That look as if they where borrowed from the Mummy Franchise itself.


But who cares. They are mummies and they are goofy. Especially the 42 foot tall one. Who likes to hurl boulders at a jeep. It is this scene alone that makes this movie. The acting is so bad by all the actors in the it. That it just deserves mentioning. Especially since its Casper Van Dien, Robert Wagoner and well Scott Whyte who can not act his way out of a paper sack.


No wonder his spoken lines in Might Ducks 2 and 3 where so small. He is just good looks and terrible acting. Yes thats harsh but I am allowed my opinion. As a overall I honestly can think of worse films to watch. Is it one that I can see again? No not unless I am drinking with friends and just want to get shit faced while we make fun of a movie. 


Then again that is fun. If you need a movie to get drunk to or just need a movie to poke fun at. Then this might be your solution to your dilemma as it offers you all the calling cards for bad movies. Bad acting, horrible script, horrible effects and lame ending. It is the perfect movie for all bad film fans. So have fun enjoy and catch you back here tomorrow.


My Rating: 1/5 Stars

Follow me at @aikira21 on Twitter.

Movie Review # 67 Smokin' Aces 2 Assassins' Ball (2010)

Release:2010
Director: P.J. Pesce http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0675894/
Writer(s):
P.J. Pesce http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0675894/
Olatunde Osunsanmi http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1069989/
Olumide Odebunmi http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1343147/
Tom Abrams http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0009248/
Joe Carnahan http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0138620/
Cast:
Tom Berenger http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000297/
Tommy Flanagan http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0281107/
Clayne Crawford http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0186728/
Vinnie Jones http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005068/
Ernie Hudson http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001368/

Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 24% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/smokin_aces_2_assassins_ball/
IMDb: 5.0/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1319743/
Netflix: 3.1 Stars


Review:
Sequels are a hit or miss proposition. Especially for a movies like the orginal Smokin' Aces where everyone pretty much was killed. So what or who can Smokin' Aces 2 bring back? How about none of it and call it a prequel. Yes a prequel to a hit that happened before the Buddy Israel hit. Sounds interesting if they left off the number 2. Because they should have as this film should have stood alone from the original and not be called a sequel.

But they didn't and well they should have. As this movie soils what made the first one so grand. Which was the characters and their stories. Not just the marks story. Which this one focuses on a lot. Which is fine except that it steals almost word for word of the vastly superior The Usual Suspects. Where a guy fabricates a story in order to off everyone.

That's your entire plot right there in a sentence. I know it might be hard for you to believe. But I am huge fan of the first Smokin' Aces. This one I am not as it is overly slow and lethargic to the point of tedium. Till you get to the end of the movie and wham its petal to the metal action. That it is so over the top and silly that it is fun. But still falls flat compared to the first one.

I know that this is a straight dvd release. Still they could have done the fun shots that made the first one great. As action for the most part is easy to shoot. Instead we get three exploding clowns, a man who wears the faces and hair of his victims, a black widow, a surgeon and the rednecks that blow shit up. None of which has the panache or like ability of any of the original cast.

As each falls squarely into a stereotype and they never leave it. Which is probably the reason that this did not make it back to the big screen. Not saying that the first was a box office success. Because it was not it was practically a flop. But what it lacked in the big screen it made it up for on the dvd racks. Where it became a cult favorite amongst the action fanatics.

But that have been the reason there to on why this went straight to dvd. Either which way this is just a flawed movie. That has only half the heart beat and action of the first one. Which is extremely sad as this movie series could have been something more. Instead we are stuck with what is Smokin' Aces 2.

My Rating: 2.75/ 5 Stars

Movie Review # 66 Mr. Accident (1999)

Release: 1999

Director: Yahoo Serious http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000635/

Writer: 

Yahoo Serious http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000635/

David Roach http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0730000/

Cast:

Yahoo Serious http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000635/

Helen Dallimore http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0197940/

David Field http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0275913/

Ratings:

Rotten Tomatoes: 17% and 30% Critics and Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/mr_accident/

IMDb: 3.9/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156807/

Netflix: 2.9 Stars

Review:

"Why so serious?" that famous line spoken by the Joker. Is one thing you can not say about Yahoo Serious and his movies. As they are more cartoon than real life. With the amount of slapstick, fall gag's and insane amount goofiness that entails his movies. But for most of you out there. You only know Yahoo Serious for his one shining moment in America.

Which is role in the movie Young Einstein. Well I should say anyone who was raised in the 80's knows this one movie. As it was a pop culture phenom and even brought people copying his hair from the movie. Well at least it did at my school. So if anything he did have some kind of influence of the children of the world. Even just for a fleeting moment. I know you are going when will she get to the review?

How about right now. Mr. Accident is written/directed and acted in by Yahoo Serious. Which if any of you out there have read my reviews. I hate when this happens. As it usually entails horrible movies that make me wish for a railroad spike and a hammer to drive it through my temple. Thankfully that was not needed for this movie in the least. 

As it gave me the feel of watching a old friend. Not just an old friend but an old friend who happens to be a live action cartoon. Yea that is how I would describe this movie. A live action cartoon complete with all the cartoon gags. From exploding ironing boards, to refrigerators teetering on the edge of disaster. It is all here. It even has a villain that is right out of cartoons as well.

Now what to start with? I will start with the cartoon villain played by David Field. Who reminds me of the Wolf in the old Droopy Dog movies. Complete with the suits hair and everything and you would have Duxton Chevalier. The chain smoking evil mastermind of the movie. Who will do anything to make you addicted to cigarettes or more importantly nicotine. Now for his evil plan? He offs his brother who owns and operates Australia's largest egg producer. 

Then he starts feeding the chickens feed laced with nicotine. That comes out in the eggs and makes them not only bad for you. But completely addicting. Yea evil genius one oh one there folks! It is just simple brilliant. We all know that for every villain there is a hero and ultimately the woman he loves. So we are onto Sunday Valentine. The chicken sexing smart dumb girl from Bucket Australia. No I did not write that sentence wrong folks. That is her literal name and description.

She is a idiot savant who loves UFO's and discovering if indeed we are alone in the universe. As well as a former chicken sexer. Not in my many years of writing did I ever thing I would write chicken and sex together. Anyways Sunday starts out as the dumb blonde of Duxton who abuses her and mistreats her. Which causes her to leave and go the apartment building that her friend Constable Rikki lives. When she gets confused on the room number on the key.

Thinking it is ninety one instead of sixteen. Which causes her to barge on and fall for the hero of the movie Roger Crumpkin. We now put two and two together and we get eggs. So many eggs. I am sorry I had to do that. After all the eggs are the reason for this movie. Anyways so Roger and her start dating and ultimately have a falling out. That leads to a Buxton finding out about Roger and her and more hilarity ensues. I just won't say what though. It is to goofy to talk about to much.

Now we are on to Roger played by Yahoo Serious. Who is a man who never uses his imagination and is simply a parts and repairman. Who states so oddly that he only takes things apart. But somehow he repairs all the things in the egg factory. You figure that one out folks. Maybe its a bit of movie magic or just a simple slight of hand that they hoped I would miss or hell all of us would miss. But I didn't and it is this one thing that sours it for me just a smidgen. 

But not enough to ruin it in anyway possible. So back to bad luck Roger. Who has had a hard life. His father through him out in the rain for doing a drawing of the family. I know what you're thinking thats harsh. So let me just write what the father say's. "We Crumpkins are parts people! Always have been. Always will be. We do not use our imagination for anything. We just take things apart!" Which poor Rodger took to heart and it is because of this he has a hard time being part of society.

As with his unnatural clumsiness and constant taking of part of things. He just listed as a weird chap. All of that changes though when Sunday Valentine comes into his life. Well mostly as Sunday believes that all Roger's bad luck is brought on by her. When it wasn't it was just Roger being Roger. With that I am done spoiling the egg. Wait did I just do another egg reference!? Yes I sure as hell did.

One egg in the hand is better than two in the bush? This is eggcellent? Okay okay kill me I am sorry. Mr. Accident is a fun family comedy. That is part of a lost era of movie making. As it pulls from straight slapstick and uses all the gag's to perfection. As comedies now day's focus more on spoken word or gross out jokes. This one chooses to use all that made comedy through the ages golden.

It is also the reason I enjoyed this movie so much. As it took me back to the 70's and 80's.The era of comedy classics like Young Frankenstein, Pee Wee's Big Adventure and Three Men and a Baby. All of these movies share something in common with this one. They all are silly and each one of them uses not special effects. But sight gags and real comedy. Which is so severely missed in today's big budget movies.

If you are wanting a fun classic comedy then this might be for you. But I strongly emphasize the but here. If you are not a fan of older comedies. This movie will not only disappoint you it will not be enjoyable at all. As it is not the type of movie most Americans will enjoy. But for Canadians and Brits this will be. As it has the same qualities of Monty Python and Kids in the Hall. 

So once again "Why so serious?" I know I am not. Now what about you?

My Rating: 3.5/5

Trailer found here. 

http://www.reelzchannel.com/trailer-clips/24627/mr-accident-trailer/

Movie Review # 65 Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident (2007)

Release: 2007
Director: Christian Viel http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0896714/
Writer(s):
Christian Viel http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0896714/
John Fallon http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0266424/
William Alexander http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1636121/
Cast:
Andy Bradshaw http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0103462/
Heidi Hawkins http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1169798/
Deke Richards http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1883229/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 5% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/recon_2022_the_mezzo_incident/
IMDb: 3.0/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0791142/?licb=0.4202167885378003
Netflix: 1.8 Stars


Review:
There glorious pieces or crap and decent pieces of crap. But this one is a heinous turd amongst turds. I say that with a sharp tongue and soulless reprieve. As this movie is just that soulless. As if the entire group that made this movie decided that we all deserved a poop facial. While we watched a movie that has no plot and uses nudity to keep you watching.

I wish I was joking but I am not. There are I think five to seven topless scenes, a scene where a guy is getting a blow job from a machine. A scene with a man covered in Nickelodeon green slime as they zoom in on his small penis. Another scene with a cyborg Asian Chick that has a boob that knocks people out. Oh and the last one a woman strapped to a table covered in the the same green slime that we saw the penis in.

Yea great movie magic here. But let's not forget the blatant stealing of a beholder from Dungeon and Dragons. It is as if the people who did the special effects opened up their Monster Manual and said this works out great and oh what about this as well. Which is said of every creature in this movie! Seriously I thought it was a bad Dungeon and Dragons meet's screwed up Sci-Fi movie. Which it isn't.

It is just a horrible sci-fi movie that steals material because they can not come up with their own stuff. Grr. I know I am being harsh. I just can not help it when people can not even follow a paint by numbers sci-fi, sci-fi horror or sci-fi thriller coloring pad. They not only colored so badly outside the lines they made a mockery of the genre. Which in some cases is excusable if the money wasn't there or the script was lacking.

But this one had money thrown into it. The effects where better than what you see on most Sy-Fy movies. The movie was shot in HD and it still is horrible. Especially when I hold this one up against a recent movie I saw just a few weeks ago Hunter Prey. Another independent sci-fi movie. Which used character building and character progression to make a movie. NOT SEX SCENES!!!

I know that's the second time I went back to that or is it the third? Hell I do not know anymore. This is just tasteless. You can tell it is by the way the actor's treat the script. With rolling eyes, sighs and even monotone reading of a teleprompter. I know I can not blame the actors for flubbing these lines or just doing them half ass. That falls on the directors shoulders. If he doesn't care then why should they and believe me when I say they do not.

But the most damning is that this movie is the second of three. Yes you read that right. There is Recon 2020: The Caprini Massacre otherwise known as Power Corps. which is just the prequel to Recon 2022. Like it needed one but they made it and they made a direct sequel Recon 2023: The Gauda Prime Conspiracy yep sounds like I have my work cut out for me. Two more razor filled turds to watch and review.

Not to say I want to but in this movie blog marathon it is just inevitable. I know I won't like they and will go in with prejudice. So I will just wait a month between viewing each one. As I dive into the third one next and finish with the prequel. I am starting to think that all these bad movies are going to be the death of me. But at least you guys and gals find it entertaining.

Despite all my complaining I do enjoy this. I just warn against seeing this movie. I really do and if you need a sci-fi movie fix. Go watch Hunter Prey or Enemy of Mine, Star Wars or even Star Trek. Just avoid this if at all possible. Sadly though as you read I won't be avoiding the other two for to long. As they will eventually find their way into my viewing cue and ultimately in a review.

My Rating: 0/5 Stars

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Movie Review # 64 Scorpion King: Rise of the Warrior (2008)

Release: 2008
Director: Russell Mulcahy http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0611683/
Writer(s):
Randall McCormick (story) http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0566595/
Stephen Sommers (characters) http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0814085/
Cast:
Randy Couture http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1330276/
Michael Copon http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0178757/
Karen Shenaz David http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1314042/
Simon Quarterman http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0702945/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 31% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/scorpion_king_2/
IMDb: 3.8/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104123/
Netflix: 3 Stars


Review:
Everyone has those movies they avoid. It is not for any reason particularly other than you are afraid that it will soil another movie you enjoyed. Well Scorpion King: Rise of the Warrior is one of those movies to me. I chose to never see it because I enjoyed the first Scorpion King. It was cheesy, it was silly and for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson it was his Conan moment. Where we found out he could do more than just wrestle.

Just as Arnold could do more than just pose with his muscles. But this prequel doesn't have the Rock at all. Not in a cameo, not in a montage nothing. If you didn't have Scorpion King in the title you would have thought you where watching a movie not related in the least to the Scorpion King. But a starter movie to a new tv series brought on by the producers of Xena or Hercules.

Which is not bad but neither is it to good. As no character in the script has much volume to them. Mathayus has the most and his life is bent on vengeance against Sargon. Who is played rather pathetically by Randy Couture. I know that his days in the Octagon are over. But I am just going to be honest. He can not act at all. Even in the Expendables he couldn't. He reminds me more of Dolph Lundren let me shoot, fight and blow up stuff so I do not have to speak.

Which in today's society can make you a marginal star. Just not one that I really care much about. The bright spot outside of Randy every other actor and actress where good to passable as whole. Which is really hard to find in made for dvd movies or even made for tv movies. Despite all of this I did find some enjoyment in this movie. Does it fill a whole in the Canon of the Scorpion King? No it does not and should not be seen as a prequel.

Same can be said of the new Scorpion King movie coming out this summer Scorpion King: Book of the Dead. As just like this one has no mention of the Rock nor does it have the same Mathayus in it. I swear it is as if they do not care who plays the Scorpion King anymore. Sadly I just find that damning and saddening as this could have been the Conan Series for the Rock. But they didn't give him the chance for it.

But what do you expect from a spin off series of The Mummy? It got what they thought was best straight to dvd filth that does nothing but tarnish a good summer movie. Even as I say that I did enjoy it but I will never classify this or the next one as sequel or prequel to the Scorpion King movie. As they stand they are mockbusters of a established and beloved franchise to many people. So because of that they deserve what ever mockery they get from the fans and critics.

My Rating: 2/5 Stars

Movie Review # 63 2010: Moby Dick [The Asylum] (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Trey Stokes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0003776/
Writer(s):
Paul Bales http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0050097/
Herman Melville (story) http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0578479/
Cast:
Barry Bostwick http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000960/
Renee O'Conner http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0640488/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
IMDb: 2.7/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1694508/
Netflix: 2.5 Stars


Review:
If there is one thing that I have learned during this marathon of movies. Is that nothing is off limits for The Asylum and I mean NOTHING!! I swear if given half the chance they would make a mockbuster of The Passion of the Christ or a movie that depicts Muhammad as a Rock Star. Not saying that either would be bad honestly and more than likely would be greatly entertaining to a vast majority of us out there. But sadly they do not do movies like this.

Instead what we get are movies that are shot in High Definition that play out like badly acted children's plays. Complete with the little boys going bang bang and then saying your dead. Only to see their friend fall down and say "Okay!" Which in all honesty does not bode to well for me as I sit down and watch yet another of their films. But this where this one sort set itself apart. Because I kinda enjoyed it.

Well I enjoyed it more than most of their films I have seen. Which does not say much at all as this is just a modernization of the Classic Moby Dick or is was originally called The Whale. Which is fine and dandy as most children will not be reading the classic story and this movie despite all its faults. Does follow the book pretty well. As it switches a submarine for the whaling vessel.

Outside of that not much else is different. Which is what I found beyond surprising. It as if they wanted to more or less pay homage than destroy a literary work. I am not saying that they did not tarnish it. Which they did. But what we got was a enjoyable movie that got its point across. No more and no less.

As for the tarnishing aspects. Honestly they are not even worth mentioning. As they do not leave loopholes, they do not change the story. They are best just questionable and very silly. Outside of that I have no real qualms about this movie. It is just a simple popcorn film to sit down to on a Friday or Saturday evening and shut off your brain to. As it fills it will silly nothingness and fulfills that duty perfectly.


My Rating: 2/5 Stars

Movie Review # 62 Happily N'Ever After 2 (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: 
Steven E. Gordon http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0307139/
Boyd Kirkland http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0456631/
Writer: Chris Denk http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0219270/
Cast:
G.K. Bowes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2696897/
Kelly Brewer http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3062719/
Helen Niedwick http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3394470/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 24% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/happily-never-after-2/
IMDb: 3.4/10 Stars http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1235837/
Netflix: 3.3 Stars

Review:
Happily N'Ever After is a movie of two halves or let's just say "The Mirror only tells half the story." Which is a literal line in the movie by Queen Grace who happens to be Snow White's mother. It is also the best analogy of this film as a whole. As the first half is hard to make it through as it is part Mean Girls meet's A Cinderella Story. But with out all the fun and enjoyable bits.

While the second half of the movie played out like a traditional fairy tale complete with a heart felt message. Which honestly is a role reversal for most movies. This one lost its script for the first act and found in the second. When it usually the opposite for most movies. They start out amazing and end with such a dud that you wonder what happened. Thankfully this one turned it around and was enjoyable once you got about 40 minutes into the 70 minute long movie.

It is also where the real story takes place. As the first half of the movie is slow and painful as you see a stuck up Snow White doing her best to be Paris Hilton. Complete with the backstabbing brought on by a truth serum apple. Instead of the well known poison apple of the old fairy tale. Which they even describe in a humorous and somewhat enjoyable manner. That a little gossip can be poison to one's ego and friends. Which it was.

So that is the first half of the movie. Now for the second half it revolves around Snow White learning about herself and ultimately what made her mother amazing. Which was her compassion and caring of  the little people and with the help of the 7 Dwarves not only did she learn this. She ends up opening up a Snow White Help Center. So it adds a little touch of cuteness to the movie. But no fairy tale is complete with out a villain and well I have I think a short sentence or at the least a short few sentences to describe this woman.

She is a peasant who wishes to be pretty who goes to a evil witch. Finds a magic mirror that makes her look like the dead queen and then tries to take over the kingdom. That's her story and is storybook as they come. Which is fine as this is not written to be more than it is. Which is a story of a strong female lead written for little girls to fall in love with. I say that as most boys will get up and walk out. But there are those special ones that this movie will talk to and become part of who they are.

Which is really what this movie is. Accepting of who you are and knowing that no matter what you do you can change. That you can be different in a positive way no matter your up bringing. It is movies like this that give hope to our kids that they can be the difference if they put forth the effort. It is also one that I have no problem showing to my own kids when I do have them.

It just a simple good movie that has a heart and pulse even if it happens half way through it. That makes for a enjoyable family experience. Which is all that we can ask for in this day and age of fast paced, explosion filled movies.

My Rating: 2.5/5 Stars

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