Movie Review # 44 Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Tom Whitus http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0926603/
Writer: Tom Whitus http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0926603/
Cast:
Luke Perry http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000580/
M. Emmet Walsh http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001826/
Katherine McNamara http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3031063/
Jacob Hayes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2566554/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
IMDb: 5.3/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1436577/
Netflix: 2.9 Stars

Review:

Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency or as it is on Netflix just Jr. Detective agency. Is a youngster twist on the 40's Noir Detective movies. Complete with a running gag on inner monologues that at first is funny then it just gets annoying. Maybe it was the fact that Sam Steele Jr. played by Jacob Hayes seems almost monotone in his reflection as he speaks during these scenes which is way to often.

So what's the story? A burglar played named "The Cat" played by Luke Perry is going around stealing artifacts, jewelery and expensive jewels in middle of no where Iowa. Oh I mean Des Moines still middle of no where. His M.O. is he never wears gloves, never leaves prints and always knows the weak points of every security system. Yep sounds like the perfect cat burglar does is not? Well he isn't to perfect as on the first case we see he leaves a foot print.

Which like the story has no meaning what so ever. As they never talk about it again. So let's get pasted "The Cat" and focus instead on Sam Steel Junior. Whom the movie is named after he runs a Junior Detective Agency with the help of his trusty dame and secretary Lenore Case played by Holly Reimer. Who is aloof and in love with Sammy (Sam Steele Jr.) up until she moves out of the neighborhood leaving him her clubhouse. Which he can rent all for a kiss. Which is one very awkward moment. Way to awkward honestly.

So after she moves a new girl named Emma Marsh (Katherine McNamara) moves into the neighborhood and Sammy falls head over heels for her. But unlike Lenore she wants to be equals and not just the secretary and puts Sammy in a odd situation. But seeing how he doesn't want to be alone he agrees to it. That is the majority of the story except for Sammy Steele Sr. the head detective for the Des Moines PD. Who is trying to crack the case of "The Cat" and with the help of his stupid and inept partner loses the case.

So that is the cast of characters and brief into's for each. So now the verdicts on everything. The writing is spot on for a child of 12 or younger as they will empathize with Sammy and Emma. As they go on their adventures. Which is a good thing since this movie is not written on any level for anyone over that age bracket. As an adult I found this movie kiddie, silly and often times horrible. Which is understandable as I am not the core audience for this movie what so ever.

So I have to take it for what it is worth. Which is a kid's film and I just wish Hollywood would do a better job of making children's movies. Just like I wish video game makers would do the same for children's video games. They just do not care as if the kids want to see it and it sounds cute enough. The parents will cave in and buy it. Then once the dust of the game of movie settles they go online and in many cases of these children films blast the living crud out of it online.

Which these movie does not deserve. It is something I would show my kids for a good afternoon movie. I would not make my beer drinking friends watch it. But for children this movie is great as it keeps the kids engaged and does not insult them or resort to toilet humor at any point. Which is refreshing as most kids movies now days have one poop or fart joke in them. Thankfully this one does not. But what it does have is a heart and not such a believable story.

Not like kids will care as they watch two kids save the day. Then become heroes and you know what? I can honestly think of far worse things than this movie that kids watch these days. So yea so what if your sour about kids films. This is for them not us as parents or critics.

My Rating 2.75/5 Stars


Trailer only available on Vimeo http://vimeo.com/7871423

Movie Review # 43 Sherlock Holmes (The Asylum) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Rachel Goldenberg http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2079484/
Writer: Paul Bales http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0050097/
Cast:
Ben Syder http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3662789/
Gareth David-Lloyd http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1496173/
Dominic Keating http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0444098/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 29% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/sherlock_holmes_2010/
IMDb: 4.0/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1522835/
Netflix: 3.1 Stars


Review:
Again with The Asylum productions movies. I swear I am becoming a vast advocate against these Mockbusters. So here I am again loathing another movie and saying just how craptastic it is. So let's just get into in to it. Instead of focusing on me just hating these movies.

This fucked up version of Sherlock Holmes takes place in the 1882. Which is all fine and dandy except for the fact that this movie plays more like a bad episode of Dr. Who than a Sherlock Holmes movie teamed with an excerpt from Pirates of the Caribbean when the Kraken takes down the Black Pearl. This is all just the opening folks and it just gets dumber from here.

Alright so a Kraken type monster takes down a Royal ship carrying gold and jewels. Then no one believes a helmsmen as he talks about it. So cut to a few scenes later and the T-Rex shows up all 6 feet tall of him and he eats a young man for no reason and appears out of thin air. So Holmes goes to investigate and gets chased for a few minutes. Only for Watson and him to be split up and they end up in a watershed that is missing the pump. So Holmes deducts that the dinosaur was used to steal the pump and the kraken was used to steal the gold. So obviously they are connected.

Seriously!? What the fuck! But I am only half done here. Skip ahead a few scenes later and they are at a foundry and guess what shows up again. The T-Rex and this time he kills another person and can shoot fire out of his mouth! Yea! This just hit the shit sandwhiche wall and made a giant splatter across it. So instead of checking the hands of the guy Holmes again deducts from a stone which came from out of thin air. That the only place it could have come from was Hells Mouth so they are off yet again.

Now at Hells Mouth and to the castle Holmes breaks in and right after they do they follow foot steps. So yay! More Tom Foolery that we have to deal with. So they get caught in a trap Holmes breaks out and then they come upon the T-Rex and Kraken both standing still in a room. Yep they are not real and are animatronic. Who knew they had that kind of technology back then! Only in these writers minds thats who. I am just not done it gets fucking dumber.

As they are looking at the monsters you see a golden man. That looks like a Cyberman from Dr. Who and guess what he is just like one. Was once human and now is more machine than man. But here is the best part he is Sherlock Holmes brother and one who has never existed before! Named Thorpe Holmes. Damn if they wanted to fucking kill what they had they just did with this. Who the Hell is Thorpe Holmes?! So once that is shown Thorpe keeps calling Sherlock Robert.

So now they have gone and written more into Holmes that never existed. Yea Neo-Steam Punk meets Dr. Who as Sherlock Holmes. Once this the pleasantries are done. Holmes runs to stop his brother and is shot dead. Cut away as if it never happened and Dr. Watson is on a table being tortured as Thorpe show cases the woman that Dr. Watson has the hots for. Oh yea I forgot about that part Dr. Watson tries to go on a date with a woman from Hells Mouth who happens to be the mechincal maid of Thorpe Holmes.

Might as well add that in. So Thorpe admits that it is because of Lestrad that he is the way he is and sets up to frame Lestrad. As they the keep talking he shows a small bomb that he then puts in his maid. As they talk he plans out everything and sends her on her way. Then Thorpe jumps into a black Neo-Steam Punk Dragon and flies of with Lestrad in tow.

Cut a few scenes later and Holmes is alive and rescuing Watson and then they are off to stop everyone. Needless say this is how it ends so you do not have to watch it. Holmes shoots his brother, Watson stops the mechanical bitch and Lestrad takes all the credit. There you go a shit movie in a few paragraphs! So what about the actors and every thing else?

I will just start with the actors as the poor sap who took on the role of Sherlock Holmes in this movie committed career suicide. As Dr. Holmes is up there with Dr. Who and the Queen of England you just do not screw with them. Sadly this poor fellow did and as such. I see Ben Syder being blackballed and only given scripts for horrible B-Films for years to come. As he partook in this travesty of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's work.

Top it off he wasn't even a good Holmes. He was whiny, snotty and competely unlikable as the astute Dr. Holmes. Watson faired no better as he was more comic relief than anything. Thankfully Watson has been portrayed like this and this is not career suicide for Gareth David-Lloyd who is best known for his role as Ianto Jones in the hit British TV Series Torchwood. So he is safe for the most part. I do wonder though if he thought he was in a badly acted Dr. Who movie?

Eh who cares if he did or didn't none of the acting was good. Neither was the special effects. Including one that was stolen straight up from another Asylum movie. That being the T-Rex from the movie The Land that Time Forgot. Honestly I wish they had forgot they had this cached as a dinosaur, kraken and Sherlock Holmes does not mix. Then again Holmes having a brother who was never there is also fucking weird as well. Grr this is really giving me a severe migraine.

This movie is just complete crap and one that people will find enjoyment in as they drink. Just not if your a fan of Sherlock Holmes or Dr. Who as this movie will piss you right off. Which did for me. If you can avoid this completely. Both on the Sy-Fy channel, the dvd rack and the Netflix Cue. This movie is not worth your time, my time and especially the mediums it is housed on. It is simply just a pile of T-Rex shit stuffed in a kraken calamari served on a hot plate of bad Sherlock Holmes cum and piss. Fuck this movie I am going to go watch a real Sherlock Holmes now.

Rating: .5/5 Stars

Movie Review # 42 Comic Book Villains (2002)

Release: 2002
Director:
Writer:
Cast:
Donal Logue http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006610/
Michael Rappart http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001650/
DJ Qualls http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0702809/
Natasha Lyonne http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005169/
Cary Elwes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000144/
Eileen Brennan http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0107281/
Danny Masterson http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005194/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 30% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/comic_book_villains/
IMDb: 5.5/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0287969/
Netflix: 2.9 Stars


Review:
Comic Book Villains is a film of two halves. One part is amazing, engaging and enjoyable. The other a travesty of bad writing and cheap thrills. Which is terribly sad as this movie had all the right makings of being in my good graces. Which sadly I can only say half of the film is worth viewing and that is just the first fifty to 60 minutes of the movie.

So here is the story a middle age man dies of a heart attack leaving behind a mountain of books. Making for a scramble as one person heard of the collection and set up the two rival comic shops on who will win out and get the comic collection. This part was fine and dandy as they played off each other and set up for comical and enjoyable moments. But all of that changed when the story took a turn for the worse when another character who had not been part of the original cast. But just a side part became the main villain.

As he sets out to steal the comics and honestly it just did not work. I say that because the movie had a set up where Archie (DJ Qualls) was going to be given the comics. Instead we are left with a mess of murder, bad action and horribly written dialogue as everyone dies. Yea folks everyone dies except for one character who happens to be the narrator. All the while you are asking yourself why did they screw up something so fun?

I have no answer honestly. It is just sad as this movie had the Fanboys vibe all the way till the entire crime murder death spree. If they had just stuck to that this movie would be a instant classic amongst comic fans and collectors the world over. Instead what we have is a great cast in a half bad half good film. When I say good cast I mean a good cast with DJ Qualls (Road Trip, The New Guy),  Donal Logue (Grounded for Life),  Cary Elwes (Princess Bride, Saw), Natasha Lyonne (But I'm a Cheerleader), Eileen Brennan (The Sting, Clue) and Danny Masterson (That 70's Show).

With a cast like this of familiar faces it is easy to fall for this movie. Which I did at first but in hindsight I can only say watch the first half of the movie. Then turn it off because what it leaves you with a sour taste that you can not part with very easily. I just wish I could as I really wanted to love this movie and it took my heart out and stomped on it with a horrible ending.

My Rating 2.25/5 Stars

Movie Review # 41 The Cutter (2005)

Release: 2005
Director: William Tannen http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0849587/
Writer: Bruce Haskett http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1761013/
Cast:
Chuck Norris http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001569/
Joanna Pacula http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001586/
Daniel Bernhardt http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0076780/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 37% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cutter_the/
IMDb: 5.0/10 Stars
Netflix: 3.1 Stars


Review
If there is one man who transcends through all of pop culture it is Chuck Norris. Despite his popularity the man can not act or make movies and this movie is a prime example. The Cutter takes place in Spokane, Washington and deals with a Auschwitz survivor who happens to be a exemplary jewel cutter. Who has been kidnapped (if you can say that about an 80 year old man?) to cut stolen gems from a mummy's tomb.

Yea this sounds stupid and lets toss in that the people holding the cutter captive are Neo-Nazi's and you have a trifecta  of total crap upon crap. All of which is made even more unbearable with bad writing, acting and horrid transitions between shots. Often with nauseating effects like speed up time shifts of a flying scene that start and stop abruptly. Which serve no purpose other than show off the industrial district's of Spokane, Washington. I swear this movie was shot by a teenage male who thought that showcasing Chuck Norris would make him popular.

Honestly it didn't and all this did is show the ineptitude of the director. As there are glaring holes and here are a few examples. Headlights and grill in a fan get shot up and the next scene they are mint again. The main villain gets shot in the chest and then the bullet hole isn't there. Only show back up again as an ink stain. Yep way to go special effects team and director. You guys shot for the lowest bar on the film continuity scale and somehow whiffed on a bar the size of Texas.

But you did and I had to watch it. Which I wish I had not. But it is Chuck Norris and I am supposed to love it. So that is my only excuse for the high rating on IMDb.com as fans of the Chuck thought he was amazing and awesome! Guess what folks he is an aging actor who was nothing more than a B-Film action star. Who only became popular in pop culture through a commercial and a horrible TV series. Which this movie reminded me of.

Yea this was a 90 minute excuse to revive Walker Texas Ranger and it still sucked!  But no matter what I say the Die Hards for Chuck will still stay true to him and give this pile of crap a glowing review. Which I can not. I much rather smother my face in steaming pile of dog shit than sit through this again.

My Rating: 1/5 Stars

Movie Review # 40 DIE-ner (Get It?) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Patrick Horvath http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1767139/
Writer: Patrick Horvath http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1767139/
Cast:
Joshua Grote http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3072715/
Parker Quinn http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1983705/
Liesel Kopp http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1380586/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 17% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/die_ner/
IMDb: 5.2/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1260570/
Netflix: 2.1 Stars


Review:
DIE-ner (Get It?) is about as B-Film as you can get with out going over the edge to complete crap. I say that as a compliment to the movie. As it is short to the point and a connect the dot movie. It is also not a standard Zombie film in that the main antagonist seems bent on playing with zombies instead of killing them. Which is amusing for a while. It is just not the real meat and potatoes of the movie.

That would be his relationship with a couple who happen into the diner that he is in. So whats the story here? A serial killer comes into a diner kills the cook and waitress and then as he is wrapping up a couple shows up. Who are obviously fighting about marriage and are on rocky terms. So as the movie progresses the couple fall back in love. The psycho keeps being psycho and it is just the paint by numbers script for movies shot in a single location.

Never swaying, never really expanding it just follows along at a rapid pace. Which leads to predictability, annoyance and ultimately boredom as you feel insulted that the writer/director Patrick Horvath never really cared about his work. Outside of the actors doing a good job of acting. Even then thats a stretch as zombie close ups show them breathing or fidgeting before they are ultimately zombies. Which adds a bit of trash to the trash heap. It is these moments that just scream B-Film and ultimately what dooms this movie.

As it can not stand on its to legs. It tries to be a thriller, a comedy and a horror film. It is not a single one of them. As it is just a art piece that is heartless and with out any flavor or texture. Which is sad as there could have been a better movie here. Like a bad guy turning good or the couple turning bad and getting out. Instead we are left with such an unpleasing ending that it makes you ask "Why in the Hell did I watch this!?" As the credits start rolling at the end.

DIE-ner is a mess of a movie and one that is best forgotten or at the very least watched with fellow bad film fans and no one else. As the general populace will not enjoy it or find solace in the enjoyment of this movie. Just as my room mate put it "Michelle this movie SUCKED!" She could not have put it better for the general populace which this movie was not made for.

My Rating: 1.5/5 Stars

Movie Review # 39 Super Capers (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Ray Griggs http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2050708/
Writer: Ray Griggs http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2050708/
Actors:
Ray Griggs http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2050708/
Justin Whalin http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0923529/
Danielle Harris http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0364583/
Tommy "Tiny" Lister http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001474/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 0% Critics 26% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/super_capers/
IMDb: 3.7/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1161064/
Netflix: 2.6 Stars


Review:
Oh the Super Hero movie. Oh how I love thee! Sadly this is one that should not be loved except by bad movie fans and direct rip off/spoof fanatics as it heavily leans on Batman, Star Wars, Back to the Future, Mystery Men and a little bit of bad courtroom movies. Yep this movie is a complete mess as a satire and as an action comedy. Despite all these flaws it can be enjoyed it can be watched.

It is just not one I can honestly say I can watch again. So here is the story of Ed Gruberman who has lost his family and is love with the Dark Winged Vesper (Batman clone) and how he decides one night to stop a lowly crook from assaulting a woman. Only to find out that she has super powers as she stops the crook and all he does is hit the poor guy with a 2x4 sending him through a window. That makes you think that he has super strength when he has nothing. Yep talk about mis-information as that poor sap is shot across the street though an alley into a crooked lawyers window.

So that leads to what the real story. Him learning to become a Super Hero with a group of misfits. That remind me of Mystery Men but with real powers. Yep lovely so that is the basis of the movie and it is as paper thing as rice paper and just as fragile. As you see everything coming and nothing is off limits. As weapons, set pieces and even lines are ripped from A-Class films like Star Wars, Batman, Back to the Future and Mystery Men. All the while you groan as these blatant rip offs keep getting puked out of the actors mouths.

Which to me was nauseating but there is a glimmer here. The acting at least was somewhat believable and that is the single highlight of the movie that and the music. The set designs, the costumes and everything else just screams B-FILM!!!! Which this movie definitively is and one that falls in the middle of B-Film fair. Not good not awful but worth one viewing just to say you watched it.

My Rating 1.75/5 Stars

Movie Review # 38 Rock Slyde (2009)

Release: 2009

Director: Chris Dowling http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0235822/

Writer: Chris Dowling http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0235822/

Cast:

Patrick Warburton http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0911320/

Andy Dick http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004873/

Renae Sofer http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0812133/

Ratings:

Rotten Tomatoes: 39% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/rock_slyde/

IMDb: 6.1/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1258154/

Netflix: 2.8 Stars

Review:

Rock Slyde is a movie you will love or hate instantly. As it is a period piece set in modern times. That period being the 40's Detective films complete with all the cliches and silliness of the times. Which for this reviewer was alright as I enjoy the old Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes, or even the classic Charlie Chan movies. But this movie does stretch further than those. With it drawing a little from the movies Clue and Murder by Death. 

With some of the twists and turns that pop up through out. So here is the story. Rock Slyde (Patrick Warburton) is a out of luck Private Eye. Who is ashamed of his past and never talks about it. As his life has fallen apart but unlike most men. He chose to not resort to drinking. But having his vice be Hot Tamales candy. In one of the goofiest product placements I have ever seen in a movie. So now that we know about Rock the story evolves around the group of Bartology trying to make Rock sign over his lease.

Which he chooses not to. Which he chooses not to only to have a woman come into his life. Who claims to have people follow her. So Rock sets out to find who and what. From this point on everything is straight out of how to write a Private Dick movie. Except for the entire lets poke at Scientology aspect of the movie. Where you excerpt Bartology in it's place. But who cares it is a direct kick in the nuts to that faux religion and proves one thing. If someone dreams it and has the charisma to pull it off. Anyone will buy your bullshit and the people who follow Scientology need to have their head examined or to quit eating the cookies. 

But that is just my opinion and it stands for all religions. But back to the movie. There is nothing special here, nor is it overly memorable. What it is just a fun movie to watch with friends and enjoy. Especially if you are a Patrick Warburton fan or even a Andy Dick Fan. Just do not come into this thinking it is going to have loads of violence, fighting, or blood. Because it does not. 

What it does have is a refreshing and sadly overlooked quality of movies today. Which is a fun story and character set up and it is because of this. That most people will hate this movie. As it is a throw back to a lost genre of film making and one I wish would come back. I enjoy the big block busters as much as any one out. I just want more simple films like this to hit main stream. As they showcase acting and not graphics and who can spend the most. That is just my two cents.

My Rating: 3.5/5