Saturday, July 23, 2011
Movie Review # 140 Vegas in Space (1992)
Director: Phillip R. Ford
Writer(s): Phillip R. Ford, Doris Fish, Miss X
Cast: Doris Fish, Miss X, Ginger Quest
Rotten Tomatoes: 63% Audience Fresh
Netflix: 1.9 Stars
I want to open with all of the pleasantries I can before I absolutely destroy this movie. So here is everything nice I have to say. Writer, actress, Set Designer and a myriad of other roles Doris Fish. Had great aspirations, hopes and dreams. Which fulfilled over the eight year process of making this movie. As she built the sets, made the outfits, helped with make up and fronted most of the costs of the movie.
She literally turned this movie into her passion as she died of AIDS. It is this that makes this review so hard as she passed away right before this movie was released upon the public at large. So she never saw the backlash, laughs and complete terror. That she induced onto celluloid. Which I am thankful for as the reviews alone would have put her in grave. But now she can rest in peace knowing that she made herself a wonderful movie. Even if the rest of us hate it.
Those two paragraphs alone detail enough to make most people stop and go I do not want to see it. But for you others here is the full glory of this shiny flamboyant piece of crap. The movie is the story of Space Marines who to go to the Planet Clitoris and to help the Queen Empress Nueva Gabor (Ginger Quest) get her crown jewels back. Yet there is a catch. Only woman are allowed on the planet and the men have to take pills to become women to complete their mission.
This is also where the plot ends as the movie goes into a fashion nightmare of cliched hell. Which say's nothing about the movie itself or its effects. As the city of Clitoris is nothing more than painted water, perfume bottles, a dildo and other phallic objects. Then you have the butt plug space ships, a vibrator space ship and my favorite Slurpee cup lid space ships. All of which are supported by string and fishing line. Which is far worse than the Ed Wood effects of the 50's and 60's.
I can literally say that I was longing for a "Plan Nine from Outer Space" space ship instead of the butt plug that was used as a ship. I guess because I prefer pie tins over butt plugs? Maybe it is just a personal preference either which way it was just horrible. Sadly it was not the worst thing in this movie. I would either say character costumes, make up or maybe the set pieces all made of cardboard. Would be the ultimate killers of this movie.
Even then they are as bad as a butt plug space ship. I can not believe I can not get that image out of my mind. Hell I am going to have dreams about it. Captain we are heading to the planet Uranus and heading into the space port Sphincter 1. Followed by the Captain replying is the Space Port lubed and ready Lieutenant? As the Lieutenant replies Yes Captain she is K-Y'ed and ready for us to land.
Just this alone scares me more than all of the acting, bad props and horrible script. Because I will never get this sight out of my head ever. I know Doris Fish meant well and loved making this movie. As you can see her passion in finishing this movie. But what she unleashed on this world is just plain awful. It is so awful that this became the first movie in the history of my movie review that I actually got drunk watching.
I could not tolerate it. I hated it and I wanted more than anything for it to end. Which when it did left me with a feeling of thanks. Then a follow up of OH SHIT! As the movie laid the groundwork for a sequel that will never come as Doris Fish is dead. So if there is a silver lining it is this. Doris Fish is dead and this movie and all sequels died with her. The flip side Doris Fish's death was a blessing as people can not tell her how shitty her movie is.
Either which way you look at this. It is not a happy ending for her or for us. If you want to do yourself a favor just avoid this movie. But if you want to see a bunch of drag queens who can not act and look as if they are in horrid Halloween costumes. Dancing, singing and playing around in cardboard sets. Then by all means enjoy your personal torture. But do me a favor do not come bitching at me if you like my hate your life after you watch this or you go to the bottle for liquid courage to finish.
It is your fault at that point. So adieu and peace.
My Rating: The scale is broken for crappy movies. I just can not put up a number that equals the low point of this movie. So be creative and come up with your own number.