Movie Review # 53 Titanic II (Titanic 2) (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Shane Van Dyke http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0886749/
Writer: Shane Van Dyke http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0886749/
Cast:
Shane Van Dyke http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0886749/
Brooke Burns http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004786/
Bruce Davison http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001117/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 16% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/titanic_2/
IMDb: 1.9/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1640571/
Netflix: 2.5 Stars http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Titanic_2/70139488?trkid=2430625#height1604


Review:
Another day and another Asylum picture. I am starting to wonder if any reviewer out there has seen every one of these travesties? I am just going to say and who knows I might be the first to watch each of these films and put type to page and it will not be something I am proud of. As The Asylum makes films for no one but themselves and helpless sap's who are non-informed people.

Well that and for the Sy-Fy Channel which is where all of their movies show up. This one included and it makes me question more and more the Sy-Fy Channel if they are serious about movies or do they just put these up to fill dead spots in a otherwise strongly weekly line up of programming? I would say it is the later and not the former. Which is sad because there are some great B-Film Sci-Fi movies out there that could go in these places like Hunter Prey or Monsters.

But alas Sy-fy chose this bed to sleep in and we are stuck watching terrible movies that deserve to be on the mantle of shame. None more so than Titanic II which is by far one of the dumbest movies ever written. The unfortunate part of this travesty is the lineage Shane Van Dyke comes from. His grandfather is Dick Van Dyke and his Great Uncle is Jerry Van Dyke. Two of the greatest comedians of the 1950's through the early 1990's. But unlike them he chose the path of his father Barry which is B-Film mediocrity at best.

Mediocrity is a stretch for Shane as he has paired with The Asylum on more than on occasion. Those movies being Paranormal Entity and Transmorphers: Fall of Man just to name a few. Both of which will be reviewed in the near future and both I am dreading as a reviewer. As both are mockbuster's of Transformers and Paranormal Activity respectively. It is as if Shane has decided to be a hack instead of branch out and make a name for himself in a good way.

He chooses to put in the least effort and stamp his name all over it. From acting, writing to even directing he has chosen to be the laughing stock of Hollywood and totally crap on his family name. It is sickening to see such a hallowed name run through the mud. But alas it has and this movie is a prime example of it. From the time it starts to the time it ends it is a joke. Taking cues from the movie Day After Tomorrow where a father comes to the rescue of his kid.

To the fact that they have no real sense of ocean science as the tsunami they put in is 100 ft tall in the middle of the Atlantic ocean it makes you want to throw your remote through your tv. It is insulting, it is degrading and it is just not worth viewing. I know these are made to be made fun of but when the movie is so terrible and has no fun bits to really chew on for bad movie buffs. All it leaves is a bad taste in your mouth and a headache to follow.

I for one love B-films and bad films in general. The Asylum pushes my buttons as they are just knocks on established franchises that need to stop. Which they never will and since I am the glutton for visual punishment I will watch each successive film they release. As I must become the reviewer to have seen all The Asylum productions and ultimately be crowned the historian of the Asylum. If and when that day comes I fear that I will be brain dead. But hopefully you the reader enjoyed it as these movies put me to a early grave.

My Rating: 1.25/5 Stars

Movie Review # 50 Raptor Island (2004)

Release: 2004
Director: Stanley Isaacs http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0410570/
Writer: Dean Widenmann http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1173520/
Cast:
Lorenzo Lamas http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001444/
Steven Bauer http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000874/
Haley DuMond http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0241611/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 13% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/raptor_island/
IMDb: 2.4/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401742/
Netflix: 2.5 Stars 


Review:
If there is one gleaming light about this movie blog. It is that Sy-Fy formally Sci Fi Movies. Will always give me at least two to three new films a month for me to review. Not that a single one of them will be enjoyable beyond the fact that they themselves are torture devices or prime pickings for your own Mystery Science Theater 3000 night of enjoyment. Even then if you are that depraved of a life and have to resort to these movies for enjoyment you are missing something in your life.

Hell I am missing something as I am watching these. It is called a brain as I had to shut it off just to make it through. In a cumulative onslaught bad acting, worse writing and special effects that deserve a mantle as some of the worst in history. It is up to the individual on what is the most heinous. I just can not pick just one as they are all equally awful. The story alone is something where you must shut your brain down. A airplane from China goes down with American nuclear waste.

Which causes a chain reaction on the island. As the animals mutate into dinosaurs in less than forty years. Brought on by the incubation of volcano. This sounds more like a video game than a movie doesn't it? Honestly it would have been a better game as the movie plays out like one. Complete with cheesy set pieces of the raptors surrounding the main cast. Only for them to shoot their way out. But never really seem to run out of ammo. Hell they can't even shoot straight as they spray bullets all across the screen and barely hit anything.

None of these moments is more heinous than the end of the film. Where a trained Navy Seal can not shoot a man who is 15 feet away. Seriously? Well it is Lorenzo Lamas I am sure that man shoots blanks in bed as well. If he can even get it up with out the help of Viagra. Even as I say that this movie could have used Viagra from start to finish it is plagued by slowdowns, bad editing and even worse transitioning.

I know it was made for tv. But seriously there is no excuse for hard cuts and having action that leads to nothing. That or even scenes that have no rhythmic reason to follow each other. As if you missed a transitional scene all because you had to make sure it fit into your block time. That 30 seconds of footage would have been more beneficial than what you presented us. Which is a a how to guide bad film making.

I harp and harp on these things. It is just that movies are art and when you see art abused you feel bad for it. Just like video games you see where it could have been and gone. Sadly they just go the opposite and make a awful autricity of a film. Sadly this is Hollywood and this is Sy Fy. Who in all intent and purposes has lost their way. As they push for more reality television and wrestling.

But that is just how life is these days. When you can fill your coffers with cheap entertainment and not have to worry about television shows or making bad films like this. Then you should jump on it. Sadly though they still make these and for every Tin Man or Alice there are a Sherlock Holmes and a Raptor Island. But that is just a stretch I would say its a 10 to 1 bad movies to good movies for Sy Fy.

My Rating: .5/5 Stars

Movie Review # 49 The Gunfighter's Pledge (2008)

Release: 2008
Director: Armand Mastroianni http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0557857/
Writer: Jim Byrnes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0126327/
Cast:
Luke Perry http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000580/
C. Thomas Howell http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001367/
Kim Coates http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0167649/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 17% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1195618-pledge/
IMDb: 5.4/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1146439/
Netflix: 3.2 Stars


Review:
The Gunfighter's Pledge or as it is found most often The Pledge. Is a made for TV Western for the Hallmark Channel. But unlike most made for TV movies this one surprised me by not being totally worthless and showed that on occasion no matter the cookie cutter movie. That they can have a heart and soul even it is barely registrable which this film is.

For what this movie is worth. The acting wasn't bad and had enough cheese on it make you smile. The writing could have come from a country song. Sheriff loses his family, set's out for revenge. Accidently kills a man looking for help and returns the body to the ranch. Then decides to stay and falls in love. Yep that sounds like a country song or at the very least a daytime serial for a made for TV movie which this. I honestly can not complain about this at all.

It was not entirely entertaining and the end of the movie is a huge let down. But that is just how TV movies go. Well I need say that is how westerns go as they usually either have a giant climatic scene or they choose to wimp out. Then one wimped out and fizzled. Not enough though for fans of westerns to skip. Which I am and with the lack of real westerns coming to the big screen finding even a half way decent one like this is a God send.

Now my only wish is that more westerns where made. I just do not see it happening and as such when I get to whet my appetite on films like these. I should and shall and never hope for the best. At least everything was shot properly and they had a wonderful set. So all in all it is just decent and fun. Long live those cowboys of the wild wild west.

My Rating: 2.5/5 Stars

Movie Review # 44 Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency (2009)

Release: 2009
Director: Tom Whitus http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0926603/
Writer: Tom Whitus http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0926603/
Cast:
Luke Perry http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000580/
M. Emmet Walsh http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001826/
Katherine McNamara http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3031063/
Jacob Hayes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2566554/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
IMDb: 5.3/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1436577/
Netflix: 2.9 Stars

Review:

Sam Steele and the Junior Detective Agency or as it is on Netflix just Jr. Detective agency. Is a youngster twist on the 40's Noir Detective movies. Complete with a running gag on inner monologues that at first is funny then it just gets annoying. Maybe it was the fact that Sam Steele Jr. played by Jacob Hayes seems almost monotone in his reflection as he speaks during these scenes which is way to often.

So what's the story? A burglar played named "The Cat" played by Luke Perry is going around stealing artifacts, jewelery and expensive jewels in middle of no where Iowa. Oh I mean Des Moines still middle of no where. His M.O. is he never wears gloves, never leaves prints and always knows the weak points of every security system. Yep sounds like the perfect cat burglar does is not? Well he isn't to perfect as on the first case we see he leaves a foot print.

Which like the story has no meaning what so ever. As they never talk about it again. So let's get pasted "The Cat" and focus instead on Sam Steel Junior. Whom the movie is named after he runs a Junior Detective Agency with the help of his trusty dame and secretary Lenore Case played by Holly Reimer. Who is aloof and in love with Sammy (Sam Steele Jr.) up until she moves out of the neighborhood leaving him her clubhouse. Which he can rent all for a kiss. Which is one very awkward moment. Way to awkward honestly.

So after she moves a new girl named Emma Marsh (Katherine McNamara) moves into the neighborhood and Sammy falls head over heels for her. But unlike Lenore she wants to be equals and not just the secretary and puts Sammy in a odd situation. But seeing how he doesn't want to be alone he agrees to it. That is the majority of the story except for Sammy Steele Sr. the head detective for the Des Moines PD. Who is trying to crack the case of "The Cat" and with the help of his stupid and inept partner loses the case.

So that is the cast of characters and brief into's for each. So now the verdicts on everything. The writing is spot on for a child of 12 or younger as they will empathize with Sammy and Emma. As they go on their adventures. Which is a good thing since this movie is not written on any level for anyone over that age bracket. As an adult I found this movie kiddie, silly and often times horrible. Which is understandable as I am not the core audience for this movie what so ever.

So I have to take it for what it is worth. Which is a kid's film and I just wish Hollywood would do a better job of making children's movies. Just like I wish video game makers would do the same for children's video games. They just do not care as if the kids want to see it and it sounds cute enough. The parents will cave in and buy it. Then once the dust of the game of movie settles they go online and in many cases of these children films blast the living crud out of it online.

Which these movie does not deserve. It is something I would show my kids for a good afternoon movie. I would not make my beer drinking friends watch it. But for children this movie is great as it keeps the kids engaged and does not insult them or resort to toilet humor at any point. Which is refreshing as most kids movies now days have one poop or fart joke in them. Thankfully this one does not. But what it does have is a heart and not such a believable story.

Not like kids will care as they watch two kids save the day. Then become heroes and you know what? I can honestly think of far worse things than this movie that kids watch these days. So yea so what if your sour about kids films. This is for them not us as parents or critics.

My Rating 2.75/5 Stars


Trailer only available on Vimeo http://vimeo.com/7871423

Movie Review # 41 The Cutter (2005)

Release: 2005
Director: William Tannen http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0849587/
Writer: Bruce Haskett http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1761013/
Cast:
Chuck Norris http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001569/
Joanna Pacula http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001586/
Daniel Bernhardt http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0076780/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 37% Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cutter_the/
IMDb: 5.0/10 Stars
Netflix: 3.1 Stars


Review
If there is one man who transcends through all of pop culture it is Chuck Norris. Despite his popularity the man can not act or make movies and this movie is a prime example. The Cutter takes place in Spokane, Washington and deals with a Auschwitz survivor who happens to be a exemplary jewel cutter. Who has been kidnapped (if you can say that about an 80 year old man?) to cut stolen gems from a mummy's tomb.

Yea this sounds stupid and lets toss in that the people holding the cutter captive are Neo-Nazi's and you have a trifecta  of total crap upon crap. All of which is made even more unbearable with bad writing, acting and horrid transitions between shots. Often with nauseating effects like speed up time shifts of a flying scene that start and stop abruptly. Which serve no purpose other than show off the industrial district's of Spokane, Washington. I swear this movie was shot by a teenage male who thought that showcasing Chuck Norris would make him popular.

Honestly it didn't and all this did is show the ineptitude of the director. As there are glaring holes and here are a few examples. Headlights and grill in a fan get shot up and the next scene they are mint again. The main villain gets shot in the chest and then the bullet hole isn't there. Only show back up again as an ink stain. Yep way to go special effects team and director. You guys shot for the lowest bar on the film continuity scale and somehow whiffed on a bar the size of Texas.

But you did and I had to watch it. Which I wish I had not. But it is Chuck Norris and I am supposed to love it. So that is my only excuse for the high rating on IMDb.com as fans of the Chuck thought he was amazing and awesome! Guess what folks he is an aging actor who was nothing more than a B-Film action star. Who only became popular in pop culture through a commercial and a horrible TV series. Which this movie reminded me of.

Yea this was a 90 minute excuse to revive Walker Texas Ranger and it still sucked!  But no matter what I say the Die Hards for Chuck will still stay true to him and give this pile of crap a glowing review. Which I can not. I much rather smother my face in steaming pile of dog shit than sit through this again.

My Rating: 1/5 Stars

Movie Review # 24 High Hopes (2005)

Release:
Director: Joe Eckardt http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1836968/
Writer(s): 
Cecily Gambrell http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0303879/
Colby Kane http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1022833/
Cast:
Jason Mewes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0582939/
Edward Furlong http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000411/
David Faustino http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004910/
Andy Dick http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004873/
Danny Trejo http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001803/


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 24% Fresh Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1209964-high_hopes/
IMDB: 3.7/10 http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5547798684833737318
Netflix: 3 Stars


Rating:
High Hopes is a comedy I had high hopes for. Sadly my High Hopes where lowered so greatly that I felt that was watching a movie that a group of frat guys came up with. Not to say that it was awful or even bad. It wasn't it just was a stereotypical B-Film jaunt that never lived up to its cast.

The cast consisting of Jason Mewes, David Faustino, Andy Dick, Danny Trejo and Edward Furlong. As well several other cameos through out. Is quiet honestly a great cast for a film. With most of them being some of the better films in the past 10 years. Sadly though this film is not one of them. Choosing to stick to middle ground of bad films that get made. Only to make you go what the fuck where they smoking? In this case it was the M-100.

Since they where obviously smoking during the making of this film. Here is the run down of the movie. A drug dealer gets a case of medical grade cronic. Then the man that gave it to him dies only for a group of misfits wanting to make a movie works out a plan just like Ocean's 11. In order to obtain it. Yep a heist and stoner flick all wrapped up in a craptastic package. Which is honestly sad very sad.

This movie had great potential as a film. Especially with the cast only if they tightened things up. Maybe even gone in and done some rewrites for this film. But as it is. It is just a flawed movie that had great potential.

My Rating: 2/5 Stars

Movie Review # 19 Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai

Release: 2007
Director: Kunihiko Yuyama
Writer: Hideki Sonada
Cast:
Michele Knotz
Ikue Ootani
Sarah Natochenny


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 79% Fresh Audience
IMDB: 5.5/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226251/
Netflix: 3.8 Stars


Review:
Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai is possibly the best Pokemon movie outside of the first one. As it takes parts from other established franchises like Godzilla and Hayao Miyazaki's epic tail Nausicaa of the Wind (1984). Then melds them together to form a wonderful and enchanting tail. Yet keep it completely Pokemon. From beginning to end it is entertaining, funny and enjoyable enough for adults and children over 7.

I say that as moments in this film are scary for younger kids. Which is alright in most parents books. But I do recommend you viewing it first and making the judgement on it before letting your young ones watch it. As this  is the darkest of all the released Pokemon movies. It is also the reason that this film is amazing. It took a more adult theme and went with it. As it respected the aging audience of Pokemon.

So here is the story synopsis Palkia and Dialga two Pokemon that should have never met. End up meeting then creating a battle. As they are both thinking the other invaded and are protecting their lands. Now for Darkrai I will not break that story bullet point as it is a main plot line for the film. As for everything else? Honestly it is Pokemon so you will love or hate it dependent on that.

But if you are a teeter then this might one of those Pokemon films that  you might actually enjoy. It is not like a lot of the others. Where Ash saves the world etc etc. In this one he helps out but is not the main hero. Which was refreshing and great. Now we move on to acting, art and music and per the usual they are all good. Which is what you come to expect from these movie releases.

With saying that here is my verdict. Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai is a great Pokemon movie. It is entertaining, dark and magical. It can stand alone outside of the franchise and be enjoyed by Pokemon fans and non-Pokemon fans. That is just my take and I hope all of you come back tomorrow for my next movie review.

My Rating 3.75/5 Stars

Movie Review # 18 Monsters (2010)

Release: 2010
Director: Gareth Edwards
Writer: Gareth Edwards
Cast: 
Whitney Able
Scoot McNairy


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 71% Fresh Critics 49% Fresh Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/monsters-2010/
IMDB: 6.5/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1470827/
Netflix: 3.1 Stars


Review:
Monsters is a movie that takes bits and pieces from other established franchises and then tries to make it their own. Try as they might the movies they stole from where a lot better and are much more preferred to this one. Not saying that this Independent film is awful by any means it is just no Mist or Cloverfield. Both of which where used as a source material for this film. Some might add in a little bit of District 9 with the creatures being stuck on Planet Earth thanks to a downed probe.

But that might be the farthest stretch for this film in general. So here is the story. A probe is sent to scavenge some alien artifacts found in our galaxy. One the way back it crashes down in Mexico and these monsters come to life once the are on Earth. This is paper thin as single ply toilet paper and just as flimsy. But what can I say this sorta story is what Hollywood Sci-Fi is built on. Aliens crash land and all hell breaks loose yada yada.

As with classic alien monster movies. You have two to for people who make a difference in the general scheme of things. But that is where this film is different as there is no closure nor is the a real story. It is all about two people trying to get back to America from Mexico and honestly it was drab and boring to put it best. The monster animations where amazing and reminiscent of Cthulu creatures. Which is awesome in my books. Just that at no point do you feel dread, scared or even remotely any suspense. That is a downer and one that gets massive negative points from me.

So the story sucks and yet there is a positive. The acting and the direction of the film was honestly really good. Well not really good as I felt I was watching one of those old made for tv horror movies. Yeah, it was bad all around but in that good fun way. So what are the positives of this film? Acting wasn't to horrible, music was pretty awesome, animations where cool. The story seems like it was written on a used piece of toilet paper. Outside of that I liked this B-film.

If you have time or just need an afternoon off from reality. There are far worse movies than this to watch. If you are fan of the Mist, Cloverfield or even classic Alien crash landing movies. This is one you should pick up and watch at least once. Who knows maybe you will be just like me and like it just because it bad enough to be awesome.

My Rating 3.25/5 Stars

Movie Review # 17 The Chaperone (2011)

Release: 2011
Director: Stephen Herek (Mr. Holland's Opus, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
Writer: S.J. Roth
Cast:
Paul "Triple H" Levesque (Blade: Trinity, WWE)
Yeardly Smith (The Simpsons, Maxium Overdrive)
Kevin Corrigan (Superbad, Pineapple Express, The Departed)


Ratings:
Rotten Tomatoes: 25% Fresh Reviewers 51% Fresh Audience http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_chaperone/
IMDB: 4.1/10 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1663187/
Netflix: 3.9 Stars


Review:
I do not know what it is about WWE production movies. But I seem to enjoy them. The Chaperone which stars Triple H as Ray "Ray" Bradstone is an ex-con who spent the last 7 years in prison trying to get to know his teenage daugter. All the while he has his past haunting him through out the film. It is honestly a bit of cat and mouse and often juvienile in its approach to things.

Especially at the end but hey if we can put disbelief that wrestling is not staged then you can with this film. At no point do you see this other than what it is. A good and fun movie to watch with the kids. Triple H does an admirable and at times amazing job in acting. As much as I love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin both whom have branched out to acting. They do not hold a candle to Triple H as he can honestly really act. The only other one who showed this kind of talent on screen is the "Big Show" Paul Wright in Knucklehead.

Which honestly was the funniest movies I have seen in years. Sadly I saw it before I started this blog and won't be writing about it. Now back to The Chaperone it is a happy go lucky film. Where good triumphs over evil and is filled with more cliche's about cops and robbers than you can imagine. But I honestly could not stop watching it. Maybe I long for sugary coated movies that are just silly enough to make me laugh. But so overly done that they make me sick.

That or I just enjoy movies that have a heart and pulse. Like this one does. It is not amazing nor is it terrible it lies in that middle ground that proves that B-Movies are not always terrible. But sometimes surprisingly good despite what IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes saying that this is terrible. So give it a shot especially if you are a wrestling fan or just a fanatic for Triple H.

My rating 3.5/5 Stars


Trailer for the film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKZfReufnzw&playnext=1&list=PL067CA3510B810C26